Excerpts from the Diary of Princess Ursa
by Karalora
Summary: Sequel to Lucky to Be Born. Follow the thoughts of Princess Ursa of the Fire Nation as she copes with the joys and stresses of new motherhood...and watches her husband's slow slide away from her into the madness of ambition.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is the sequel to my fanfic "Lucky to Be Born"—please read that one first if you haven't already! Not only will it clarify some things in this 'fic that might otherwise be confusing, but I consider it one of the best things I have ever written._

_About the dates: I have written them in a format suggesting the use of the Chinese lunar calendar, but to make it immeasurably easier on myself, the actual months and days are those of our modern Gregorian solar calendar: hence, "10th Day, 7th Moon" means July 10th. The zodiacal year I figured out mathematically_—_in "The Library," we find out through Sokka's setting the dials in the planetarium that the current year in the series is the Year of the Monkey; if we assume that Zuko has or will turn 17 this year, that puts his birth in the Year of the Hare. Further, according to the official Fire Lord timeline revealed by co-creators Mike and Bryan in a recent interview, Azulon reigned for 75 years, and Zuko was 11 when the old man died. This puts Zuko's birth in the 64th year of his grandfather's reign. (Yes, I know the above information contradicts the eulogy given in "Zuko Alone," but I trust Mike and Bryan to know what they're talking about over a writer who may not have had access to the official information when drafting the script.)_

_That is all. Enjoy!_

Excerpts From the Diary of Princess Ursa

10th Day, 7th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

Future readers may wonder about the gap of nearly three weeks between my last entry and this; the reason is that this is the first day since the birth that I have been well enough to get out of bed and write. I could, I suppose, have forced it before now, but my lord husband is quite insistent that I be careful. He has not quite forgiven me for coming so close to death.

I remember little of the birth itself, save flashes of immense pain and, worse, the despair of thinking that my baby and I would both die, and he without first living. But Dr. Chung has proven himself to be, possibly, the finest surgeon in all the capital, and we are both alive, and my son is as healthy and beautiful as ever I could have hoped for. My lord husband has named him Zuko—a fine, strong name. May he bear it well as he grows.

The truth, however, is that my son will be my heart's joy no matter what he becomes. While I was pregnant, I often tried to imagine what it would be like to hold my child in my arms…but my fantasies never anticipated the reality. One cannot truly imagine mother-love until one has experienced it for oneself. I know now that I would die for Zuko without a moment's hesitation. But even more than that, I want to _live_ for him—to be a strong and healthy mother upon whom he can rely for all forms of nurture.

I must laugh—as if he knows what I am writing, he has awakened and begun to cry for my breast. I shall continue this entry when I have finished nursing him.

…

My lord husband came to visit us while I was feeding Zuko. He made a half-hearted attempt at scolding me for getting out of bed, but as Dr. Chung has authorized it, he has little justification for preventing it. Instead, he expressed vague disapproval at my choice to suckle Zuko myself instead of hiring a wet nurse. But this, too, the doctor has recommended; he says it will speed my healing. My lord husband believes this is obvious nonsense, but it is not he who has a medical career spanning decades. I am sure that Dr. Chung has the right of it, for my feeling of well-being when I am nursing my baby is quite profound.

I think the truth of the matter is that Ozai is envious of Zuko, who requires and receives so much of my attention. Though he did not often seek out my company before the birth, he at least had the assurance that it was his for the asking, an assurance which he has no longer. The day before yesterday, I had Su-Lin turn him away from my chambers because I did not wish to be disturbed while holding my sleeping baby. He kept his temper, but the look on his face so alarmed Su-Lin that I dismissed her for the evening.

I shall close with that, for I have other work to do. I mean to petition Fire Lord Azulon to award Dr. Chung an official acclaim for saving Zuko's life and mine, and I must draft the letter of request.


	2. Chapter 2

13th Day, 7th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I am saddened and angered. The Fire Lord has refused my petition, on the grounds that Dr. Chung only fulfilled his duty and no more. Moreover, my lord husband has done nothing but defend his father's decision. The Fire Lord's word is law and none of us has the right to protest his pronouncements, but among ourselves we are free to agree or disagree, and I am aggrieved that my lord husband agrees with such a callous dismissal of a man's exemplary work. To twist the knife further, when I asked whether he wasn't pleased to have Zuko and me alive, he said:

"Of course I am pleased to have you alive."

"And Zuko?" I pressed.

He was silent for a long moment, whereupon he said, "It is no pleasure for me to have a son who nearly killed my wife."

My face must have been quite appalling, because he made a stammering attempt at apologizing, but I was too angry to hear any of it. We were in the solarium at the time, and I fled his presence and returned to the nursery and held my son close for over an hour. I only just put him back down in his crib before sitting down to write.

If I must love him twice as hard to make up for the love he lacks from his father, I shall!


	3. Chapter 3

14th Day, 7th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

It is still early. When I awoke, Su-Lin had a letter to give me from my lord husband. It contained a most eloquently phrased apology for his careless words of yesterday. In particular, he had written, he did not mean to give me the impression that he hates our son, but he cannot love him just yet.

I have written a return message on the back of the same scroll, suggesting to my lord husband that perhaps the problem is that he barely knows Zuko yet, and that we should remedy this imbalance starting today. I must confess that I have been selfish with my baby, and I am ashamed because I acknowledged, just two days prior to his birth, that he is not mine alone. Now I await Ozai's reply.

…

My lord husband did not write again; instead, he came himself to my chambers, preceded by servants bearing breakfast platters. After we had eaten and the servants took the leavings and dishes away, my husband said, sounding embarrassed, that he wished to hold the baby. Zuko was still asleep, but I was feeling so charitable toward my lord husband that I could not refuse. Zuko did not appreciate being awakened so abruptly; he cried so loudly that Su-Lin looked in to make sure everything was all right. But he quieted down shortly. It seems my lord husband's lingering disapproval of his son is one-sided, for Zuko felt comfortable enough to fall asleep again, there in his father's strong arms.

"Can you love him now?" I asked.

"Perhaps, in time," was my lord husband's answer. It may not be fair of me to hope for more. The softer emotions do not come easily to him; I even doubt whether he truly loves me. His concern for my health and safety could just as easily be mere possessiveness. I can be content with that for myself, for he is generally good to me and of course there is no material thing that I lack, here at the Palace…but for my son, I desire more. I wish for him to have from his family all the love and care that will almost surely be denied him from the rest of the world, because of the deeds of that same family. I am not so naïve as to believe that the other nations will follow us cheerfully once we have won the war, and it may well be regarded a crime, in the lesser lands, merely to be born to the royalty of the Fire Nation.

I must stop. My eyes are tearing as I write.


	4. Chapter 4

20th Day, 7th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

Today was Zuko's First Moon celebration, and I am exhausted with entertaining the nobles and military officers who came to visit for the occasion. My brother-in-law Iroh was not able to attend, much to my disappointment, but he sent a bolt of fine Earth Kingdom silk as a present. I shall have it dyed scarlet and make a new bunting for Zuko, with golden feng-huang embroidered on the back panel. He is growing so quickly that he will soon need it!

Lu Ten, dear boy that he is, also gave us a present. Apparently, he cajoled his tutor into ending his lessons an hour early and accompanying him out into the city market so that he could buy it with his own money. It is a wonderful floral arrangement, and I have no doubt that he selected the largest one he could carry. He is thrilled to have a little cousin.

One of the Fire Sages—named, I believe, Deng, although I cannot swear to it—came from the temple here in the capital to invoke Agni's blessing upon Zuko and cast his horoscope. His Reverence foretold great things for my son, but his wording was classically vague, and in any case I cannot help but think he was only telling us what we wanted and expected to hear. It would benefit neither his career nor his health to predict a dull and pointless future for a child of royal blood!

Over supper, Lord Hong announced his engagement to General Xiu's daughter Haku. She is a lovely girl, but I did not care for the way my lord husband almost immediately suggested arranging a betrothal between Zuko and their first daughter. Fortunately, neither did Fire Lord Azulon, who reminded Ozai that it was neither the time nor the place for such a discussion.

There is much more to say, but I am very tired. I will continue tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

21st Day, 7th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I do not feel quite at my best. I must have overeaten at last night's feast.

Re-reading yesterday's entry, I have cause to recall the occasion of my own engagement to Ozai. Before the meeting between our two families to finalize the arrangement, I had never encountered any of the royals face-to-face, although I had visited the Palace on one or two State occasions and had seen them from a distance. I only vaguely remembered the prince as a tall man; being introduced to him in person, I became aware of just how tall he was, and how broad in the shoulder. I found him simultaneously alluring and alarming, because his temper was legendary, and the same arms that I imagined holding me securely, I also imagined throwing me across the room in a fit of pique.

But he was gracious enough, and it was obvious from the start that he was fascinated with me. As is our custom, I was given the opportunity to refuse the match, but the minor objections I entertained were swept away in the face of Ozai's flattering attention…and I could not avoid the fact that I was being offered the most advantageous marriage possible. I accepted at once, and before the day was over we had already began making preparations for the wedding, six months hence.

Has it really been only a little over two years since that day? I feel in some ways as though the girl who blushed when the Fire Lord complimented her beauty was someone else, and not me. I am no longer a girl but a woman, a mother. I am astounded at how much my perspective has changed. There is not a waking moment when I do not think of Zuko on some level; I evaluate everything in terms of how it will affect him, both now and in the future. It is almost as though I was not truly alive before I had him. His birth was also my own.

My lord husband has arrived at my chambers. I remember now: we had planned to walk in the gardens, with Zuko. Some of the guests stayed overnight, and should we encounter them, we can exchange pleasantries without standing on ceremony, as we were obliged to yesterday.


	6. Chapter 6

12th Day, 9th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I have not written in several days, but it could not be helped. Zuko has become ill, and although it is nothing serious, he is feverish and fussy, and neither of us has slept much in the past week. Because he is so young, the only way I can give him medicine is to put it on my nipples before nursing him. I have done this, and it helps as much as can be expected. The only thing that will cure him is time.

My lord husband asks why I insist on taking charge of Zuko's care myself, since it is so wearing on me. Does he not see? Even if I entrusted him to another, I could never rest for the worry of wondering how he fared without me. I hate thinking of his discomfort, and at least when I am with him, I can see exactly how bad it is and have the satisfaction of trying to soothe him myself. Since his birth, I have been with him for most of every day, and I think my absence would distress him more than the fever.

I must stop now, for he is crying again.


	7. Chapter 7

13th Day, 9th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I can hardly write, I am shaking so with anger and shame. Ozai and I had a terrible row this morning, regarding Zuko and his cold. I had gone to eat breakfast with my husband, but warned him that I could not linger long because of the demands made on my time by a sick child. My husband acted perfectly disgusted, and when I asked him what was wrong, he accused me of spoiling Zuko with love!

"No good can come of encouraging a child's dependence on his mother!" he said. "This pampering of yours will only make our son weak!"

I felt the blood rush into my cheeks. "My lord husband, he is ill—"

Ozai interrupted me. "Yes, he is, isn't he? And why do you think that is? I'll tell you why—it's because you coddle him instead of forcing him to grow strong!"

I was already irritable from lack of sleep, and his harsh words pushed me over the edge. "He's not even three months old yet!" I shouted, rising from the table. "Only a barbarian would expect _strength_ from a little baby!"

"How dare you speak to me in such a fashion?" he snarled, also rising so that I was forced to stare up at him. "Apologize at once!"

"I will not!" I refused. "You are in the wrong, Ozai! Maybe I would not have to mother Zuko so constantly if you would be a proper father to him! You've resented him ever since he was born, and I won't have it anymore! If you don't stop treating him like some kind of intrusion on your life, I'll…" I broke off, lost for words.

It might have ended there, had Ozai not looked so smug. "You'll what?" he said evenly.

"I'll take him and leave this place," I said calmly.

"You would not dare to do anything so rash. I would send soldiers to bring you back, bound hand and foot if necessary. You are my wife, Ursa, and Zuko is my son, and both of you belong here. You are not some peasant woman who can do as she pleases with her worthless children. There is too much at stake in this family for you to continue spoiling the boy and raising him to be weak. I want a successor, not a spineless brat tied to his mother's apron strings."

I was holding a cup of breakfast tea, and at that point I quite lost control and threw it in his face. No one was more surprised than I, and I ran away at once, hearing his bellow of rage behind me. I had never been genuinely afraid of my husband before, and now I was quite terrified, so much so that I begged the guards I passed in my flight to protect me from him. It made it all the worse to know that I was very much responsible for his fury.

When I reached my chambers I shut the door and bolted it behind me, and told Su-Lin that I wished to see no one for the rest of the day. After some time, I began to recover my composure and regret my unbecoming outburst. I fed Zuko and gave him his medicine, and if he sensed my upset, he did not show it.

But it was not yet ended. During the afternoon someone knocked at the door, and Su-Lin returned very apologetic, informing me that I had been summoned to appear before Fire Lord Azulon immediately, without the baby. I was filled with dread, but as there was no way I could oppose a direct order, I neatened myself as much as I could on such short notice and followed the guard who had been dispatched with the message.

My fear was lessened slightly when I saw that Ozai had also been summoned. There were still blotches of redness on his face where the tea had scalded him, and I felt a strange mix of triumph and guilt. I had not meant to injure him. We knelt together before the Fire Lord and received his chastisement for our behavior. (He had not been present at breakfast, but gossip travels fast.)

"The members of this dynasty," he said coolly, "are the destined rulers of the world, and I expect them to conduct themselves with the dignity and self-control that such status demands. There is no room in my Palace for childish arguments and tantrums. What have you two to say for yourselves?"

"I accept your rebuke and humbly offer my apology, Sire," I said hurriedly, anxious to get back to Zuko. "My behavior this morning was inexcusable. I allowed my emotions regarding my son to overwhelm my judgment. I swear it will never happen again."

"I too apologize," said my husband. "I goaded Princess Ursa when I could see that she was already upset. I swear it will never happen again."

"Good," said the Fire Lord. "See that it does not, both of you. To ensure that the rest of today, at least, is peaceful, I am having both of you confined to your chambers until midnight. The guards who summoned you will escort you back and stand watch outside your doors. I expect you two to be reconciled tomorrow. You are dismissed."

As much as it galls me to be sent to my room like a little girl, I must admit that it is a suitable punishment for my childish actions. Actually, I had planned to remain here for the rest of the day anyway. My only concern is that it is getting to be evening now and I am growing hungry. I must hope that the chaperone my father-in-law has assigned will permit me to send Su-Lin for some supper.


	8. Chapter 8

15th Day, 9th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

Zuko's fever broke last night, and not a moment too soon, since now I seem to be catching his cold. Fortunately, I do not think it will be as hard on me as it was on him. He is already doing much better; this morning he gave me his first smile since he became sick.

My husband has hardly spoken to me since our quarrel, and this troubles me. I try to console myself with the thought that he is only keeping out of my way while I tend Zuko, but I fear this may be wishful thinking.

Surely he does not really think my love will make our son weak! I think of the Komodo rhinos, the strongest and fiercest of all our animals, and remember the time I went down to the stables and saw a female with her calf. She nuzzled and licked it the whole duration of my presence, and no one seemed to think it would make the calf unsuited to carry soldiers into battle when it had grown up. Perhaps Ozai does not know this about the rhinos. Perhaps his concerns are merely a mistake. I shall bring it up the next time I see him, if I can do so in a way that is not too intrusive.


	9. Chapter 9

18th Day, 9th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

My lord husband is warming up to me again at last. I think he must have considered the outcome of our quarrel a defeat for him, and had been avoiding me in order to spare further harm to his wounded pride. But today he invited me to walk with him in the Lotus Garden, and to bring Zuko along. I almost declined out of fear that he would make an issue of my cold—how odd that he should be so protective of my health and yet so dismissive of Zuko's!—but I could not bring myself to spurn a sincere attempt at reconciliation, and so I put on extra powder to disguise my flushed cheeks, wrapped Zuko in an extra blanket to ward off the autumn chill, and went to meet my husband.

He must have noticed that I was not completely well, but he was polite enough to pretend not to hear my occasional coughs and sniffs. We talked of so many things as we walked, and when the conversation inevitably turned to Zuko, I remembered to mention the rhinos.

"Perhaps you are right," said my lord husband, but he didn't sound convinced. His own childhood, I know, was one of severe contrasts between the opulence of the Palace and the militaristic austerity of his training as a Prince and a firebender. And he was quite young when Lady Ila died. The whole concept of drawing strength from love is, I think, foreign to him. Nor is it my place to educate him against his will. If only he were not so proud and so stubborn!

He is trying, however. When he saw me admiring the lotus pods in the pond, he went at once in search of a gardener and, when he found one, ordered him to cut several of them for me. (They are drying over my hearth right now. I hope they hold their shape.) While the poor man ran to obey the command, my lord husband drew up close behind me, and I could feel his breath on my hair.

"It has been too long," he said in a voice that was like a purr, draping one hand over my shoulder so that he was almost touching my bosom.

"Remember decorum, my lord husband," I said playfully. "We are not alone out here." And I adjusted my hold on the baby, so he could see that I was _not_ speaking of the gardener.

"You can't hide behind him forever," said my lord husband, and I could not tell whether he was being playful or not. "Tonight, then?"

"I don't want you to catch my cold," I excused myself. The truth was that I didn't feel well enough to spend a night in his bed, but I didn't wish to insult him by saying so out loud.

"I'll take my chances," he said in my ear, and I began to feel uncomfortable.

"Please, my lord husband, do not ask this of me. Not today," I said, trying to sound as tired as I could. "Tomorrow…tomorrow night I will be yours, I promise. Can you wait that long?"

He turned me around, slowly so that there would be no risk of me dropping Zuko, and looked me in the eye, saying, "Do not tease me, my wife."

"It is no tease," I replied. "It is a request." I put on a smile. "You cannot possibly want me as I am, with my nose dripping. Allow me some time to rest and improve myself for you."

He made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a growl, but as the gardener was returning to us with an armload of cut lotus pods, there was no graceful way for him to continue the debate. "As you wish," he said with a small bow. "But know this: nothing as trivial as a dripping nose could turn me away from the most beautiful woman in all my father's domain. Good day, Princess."

With a parting word like that, I cannot help but give him the benefit of my doubts. My lord husband has always been able to sway me with words, whether his aim is flattery or cruelty. Perhaps he _does_ love me, in his fashion. I cannot imagine what it would gain him to feign fondness such as he demonstrates, if none of it was genuine. If I am a fool to hope, then so be it—better by far to be foolish in hope than wise in despair!


	10. Chapter 10

20th Day, 9th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

This is not intended to be a "pillow book" such as some noble ladies like to keep, so I will not divulge details…I will say only that my lord husband was _very_ demanding of me last night, and I am wearied and a little sore from it, but also filled with the deep contentment that comes only in the aftermath of ecstasy. He was not gentle with me—he never is—but I was able to withstand him, and my pleasure was none the less for being accidental on his part.

He was right when he said in the Lotus Garden that it had been too long since we last partook of one another in such fashion; this was the first time in many months, since my pregnancy really began to show in fact. It is too easy to forget, now that I am a mother, that I remain also a wife and lover. My preoccupation with Zuko had shielded me from noticing that I too felt bereft of the joys of the marital bed.

We both lay in very late this morning, and by the time I was motivated enough to return to my own chambers, Su-Lin was nearly at her wits' end with trying to keep Zuko quiet. He was so ravenous when I suckled him that he savagely pinched my nipple with his mouth, and in an instant of carelessness I compared him to his father. So now Su-Lin, who is a hopeless romantic in these matters, has not been able to look at me all day without giggling. She is lucky that I am still feeling so tranquil, or I would surely give her a tongue-lashing for it.

Above all else, it is a relief to have my lord husband appreciate me as a woman again. I had feared, following our quarrel, that he would want nothing more to do with me ever again. But whatever it is that he feels for me, be it love or something less noble, at least it is stronger than a petty grudge born in a moment of ill temper. It gives me hope—a true hope, not just a fond wish—that we can yet become a close family.


	11. Chapter 11

4th Day, 11th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

It has been storming all day, in the typical manner of late autumn storms over the city: little in the way of rain, but a nearly constant cold wind, and frequent thunder that is not very loud but seems to come from the entire sky at once. It is the noise that is the problem, for it comes right through the roof and walls and frightens Zuko terribly, no matter how I try to reassure him that it is harmless. He is brave and only whimpers rather than crying aloud, but I can see the fear in his eyes as I hold him on my lap and try to distract him.

It has been several weeks since I spent an entire day playing with him like this, and so it is only today that I have noticed that his eyes are now losing the grey color they had when he was newborn, and turning to an amber-hazel shade. His hair is also coming in more thickly now, and I think there will soon be enough of it to try tying into a small topknot.

As I noted some days ago, he has begun his first attempts at crawling about, and today he apparently made some kind of breakthrough, because he has been achieving a turn of speed that I would not have thought possible yesterday. He is still considerably slower than my walking speed, but it hints at what the near future will bring. I shall have to have a playpen built, so that I can leave him to his own devices from time to time instead of dancing attendance upon him every moment. And once he begins walking—good grief!

Su-Lin has suggested that it is his fear of the storm that has inspired the improvement in his ability, so that he can find hiding places on his own, without relying on me. I doubt it, since his first instinct when the thunder peals is to cling closer to me. But I agree with her that he must be very frustrated with his idiot of a mother, who cannot understand that there is a noisy monster outside, waiting for the right moment to tear the Palace asunder and devour us all.

In any case, I can't in good conscience put him in his crib to sleep tonight. I shall keep him in my bed with me instead. With any luck, the storm will have blown over by morning.


	12. Chapter 12

5th Day, 11th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

Yesterday's storm has not yet ended, and there is a biting chill outside. I know this because my lord husband insisted that we all eat lunch on the eastern veranda, right in the face of the wind. I protested, and relented in the end only on the condition that _all three_ of us would dress warmly. He is not the only one who can make demands! This meant the quilted bunting with the hood for Zuko, and an extra wrap for myself, and a cloak for my husband. He would not say so, but I think he was glad I had made that stipulation, because it was chilly indeed on the veranda, and with the frequent gusts, our food and tea grew cold far too quickly for our liking.

"How disappointing," I said meaningfully, setting down my cup. "If _only_ there were a firebender present to warm the kettle."

My lord husband frowned. "That's not what firebending is for."

"And why not? At the moment, I can't think of a better use."

"It's a warrior's art, not a drudgery tool," he grumbled. "Would you use a fine sword to chop vegetables for dinner?"

"If it had to be done and there was nothing else to use, certainly," I replied.

He sighed and shook his head, but he summoned a small flame to hand and held it to the brass teapot, which soon steamed again. Zuko babbled urgently and reached out toward the heat.

"Yes, it _was_ very kind of Papa, wasn't it?" I said. "Someday, you'll be able to do that, my sweet."

"This is foolishness," my husband muttered.

"Your brother wouldn't think so," I said, hoping to raise his mood again. Before the conversation could play out, there was a growl of thunder from above, and Zuko began to fret. I bounced him in my lap to distract him.

"What's wrong with him now?" my lord husband asked.

"Nothing. The thunder frightens him," I explained.

"Ah. Well, we'll soon break him of that."

"I'm certain he'll grow out of it on his own, once he realizes that no harm comes of it. That's how it was with me when I was little."

It began to drizzle at that point, and although the veranda is canopied, the wind blew the rain in upon us. I pulled my wraps closer around Zuko and myself, and even my husband shivered. The flurry lasted only a few minutes, and we weren't so wet by the end of it that we couldn't stay and finish our lunch.

"So," my lord husband said, "when do you think he'll be ready to start learning firebending?"

"Not for some time, I'm sure," I answered. "He can't even stand up yet, my lord husband."

He was undaunted. "Maybe he'll be a prodigy."

"He'll be what he'll be. You and I can guide him, but we cannot change what he is in his soul."

"You're right. Unfortunately."

I had to sigh at that. "My lord husband, with all due respect, you must make peace with the fact that there are things and people in this world that are out of your control. You will be doomed to a life of frustration if you do not."

He fell silent, and did not speak again until another rumble of thunder had Zuko pressing his face to my bosom. "He's not going to start crying, is he?"

"It seems not," I said, lifting the baby up to my shoulder. "He fusses, but he actually doesn't cry much, unless he is hungry, or in pain."

"That's good."

It thundered again, a real clap this time, and Zuko made a pitiful mewling sound against my shoulder.

"Give him to me," said my lord husband. "I'll show him there's nothing to fear."

Zuko didn't want to leave me, but I suspected what his father had in mind, so I passed him over. As I supposed, my husband walked to the veranda railing and lifted Zuko up toward the sky.

"Please be careful, my lord husband!" I said, seized with a sudden alarm.

"I won't drop him, Ursa," he said. "Do you take me for so clumsy?" Then he addressed the baby, as the thunder continued to sound. "Don't be afraid, my son. You are a prince of the Fire Nation, and there is no room in your heart for fear. You are stronger than the storm. One day, you will be stronger than anyone and anything foolish enough to stand against you."

My heart fluttered, both in nervousness at seeing my child held out so precariously, and with a sort of thrill at hearing my lord husband's magnificent words. It was the first time I had ever heard him praise our son, and I only regretted that Zuko was too young to understand and remember. Or maybe he did understand a little, because he became quiet despite the noise from the sky.

With a satisfied smile, Ozai returned Zuko to me. "There," he said. "That is how you stop a child from being afraid: by forbidding the fear."

"You should speak that way to him more often," I said. "It's much better than calling him weak and spoiled."

On that note, we concluded the meal. Now it is late evening, and the storm has only intensified all afternoon…yet Zuko sleeps soundly in his crib, unbothered by the thunder. It seems his father's words have had the desired effect. Su-Lin thinks differently; she says it is only that he is used to the noise by now. But I hope she is wrong. I want my lord husband to have an incentive to treat our son with kindness and confidence.


	13. Chapter 13

11th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I write this with a certain amount of relief. Suckling Zuko has been uncomfortable for both of us for the past several days, and today I finally discovered why. Despite his obvious hunger, he resisted taking my breast for nearly half an hour, and when he did, I felt a horrible pinch and pulled it right out again on pure reflex. He howled with anger, and that's when I saw it—the tiny white ridge of his first tooth!

What ensued then was like something out of a comic play. I must have called out very loudly in my excitement, because two palace guards rushed into my chambers with their pikes at the ready. Of course they noticed right away that not only was there no intruder, but I was in a state of partial undress, and all three of us screamed in utter mortification. I tried to pull my gown back up—no easy task as I was still holding Zuko, and he was still screaming as well. By that time, of course, Su-Lin had arrived to see what all the fuss was about. She panicked when she saw the two guards, thinking they were there to assault me, and in a moment of supreme courage and loyalty, she took my vase of lotus pods and smashed it over the head of one of them. (He is now recovering in the Palace infirmary.)

Things sorted themselves out after that, due in no small part to the honorable behavior of the uninjured guard, who dropped his pike and averted his eyes from both Su-Lin and me in order to see to his companion. In the brief lull, I recovered enough of my composure to do up my gown again, and send Su-Lin to find someone to help. Then I put Zuko down in his crib and crouched next to the stunned guard.

"Please forgive us, Your Highness!" the other man wailed. "We heard you cry out and thought there was trouble!"

"You have my forgiveness," I said. "I know you meant no harm. I only hope _he's_ all right." We avoided the issue of how much either of them had actually seen, and I assisted him in getting the other man's helmet off and making a damp compress for the lump that was forming on his head. By the time Su-Lin returned with another pair of guards to carry the stricken man to the infirmary, he was coming to but was still confused. I saw them as far as the hallway and then finally returned to the business that had started it all.

Zuko was still very upset about the whole affair, but he quieted down quickly once I offered him my breast again. Then I only had to contend with him biting me in the process of nursing, and with Su-Lin's flustered state as she cleaned up the broken vase and lotus pods, apologizing over and over. Eventually, it occurred to her to ask why the guards rushed into the room in the first place, and I showed her Zuko's budding tooth.

"Oh, how wonderful!" she exclaimed. "But you must tell His Highness your husband!"

"He'll find out soon enough," I said wryly. "Once the word reaches him about what happened in here, he'll come bursting in to make sure I'm all right, and I can show him."

"He's going to want something to chew on," said Su-Lin, and for a moment I thought she meant my lord husband! But then I realized that she was referring to Zuko.

"What should I give him? Nothing he can chew to bits and swallow, obviously."

"My mother gave us these things that were leather rolled up tight and sewn into a cloth cover. I'll make one for you if you like, my lady."

"Oh, thank you, Su-Lin!" I said. "That would be wonderful!"

As I had predicted, my lord husband came to check on us before the day was out, and I joyfully showed him our child's newest development. He was pleased, though not, I think, as pleased as I was when I discovered it. He certainly didn't cry out and attract the attention of anxious guards!

I should have expected what came next: he brought up the old topic of hiring a wet nurse again. "After all," he said, "there's no sense in being bitten three times a day when you can pay someone else to suffer it."

"It's not that bad, really," I said, setting Zuko down on the floor so he could crawl. "Besides, I'm his mother and he's used to me. If I turned him over to some other woman now, he would think I'd abandoned him. I couldn't do that to him."

"You really do spoil him, you know," said my husband, but without conviction. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Completely sure," I told him. "If you want to worry about someone, worry about the poor man Su-Lin hit over the head." That was more-or-less the end of the visit.

One thing is certain: this has been one of the most _interesting_ days I've had in a while!


	14. Chapter 14

15th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

Su-Lin's little construct of leather and silk is working like a charm. Every evening, I soak it in water and leave it on my balcony railing, and by morning it is nearly frozen and stays cold for hours while Zuko chews and sucks on it. His mouth must be hurting him quite a lot, because he does little else between nursings. The spot beside his tooth is red and hard where its neighbor is pushing through, and I expect to see it any day now.

Now that his teeth are coming in, I have begun to give him small amounts of solid food. It was Su-Lin who reminded me that it would be needed; there is so much about mothering that I still do not know! Once a day, she mashes a little rice and fruit together with warm water, and then we argue with Zuko over whether or not he'll eat it. He seems to like the taste, but he is unused to this way of eating, so he does a fair amount of arguing with himself over the matter as well. Thus he ends up swallowing about half of it, and spitting or throwing the rest around the immediate area. The laundry staff must be getting quite sick of hearing from me!


	15. Chapter 15

20th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

There is wonderful news! Today letters arrived from my brother-in-law Iroh, who has just won a great victory in the Earth Kingdom and will be returning home in time for the New Year to celebrate and receive honors from the Fire Lord! There is to be a parade and three nights of feasting, and I have been put in charge of ordering entertainment for all three evenings. On top of that, I am having a new gown made for the occasion and must attend fittings, so I shall be very busy for the rest of the year! I'm afraid that I will have little time for Zuko except when I am feeding him. I only hope he does not put too much of a strain on Su-Lin in my absence.


	16. Chapter 16

22nd Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I had quite a scare today! I had been interviewing potential performers for the feast nights all morning, and returned to my chambers to give Zuko his mid-day feeding, only to discover that he was not in his crib or in his playpen! I called for Su-Lin while searching the room for him, and when she did not appear, a terrible dread seized my heart and I nearly fainted.

As soon as I regained my wits, I called a search for both of them, and in a matter of minutes, it seemed as though there was not a single person in the Palace who was doing anything else. Su-Lin turned up soon enough, sobbing hysterically and pleading for forgiveness. I had to throw water in her face before she became coherent enough to explain what had happened. She had set Zuko down in his playpen and left the room for only a few minutes, then returned to find him gone. She had neither seen nor heard any sign of an intruder, and all she could think was that he must have somehow climbed out and gone looking for me. I'm afraid I shouted at her more severely than she deserved, so intense was my fright.

In due time, of course, Zuko was discovered in the literature library, along with the person responsible for his disappearance—none other than Lu Ten! He was frankly appalled to learn that he had done anything wrong and caused such a stir, and his apology to me was tearful and bursting with youthful sincerity:

"I'm sorry, Aunt Ursa! I didn't mean any harm! I only wanted to play with him! He's six months old today and everyone was too busy to do anything about it! I promise I didn't mean any harm! I'll never do it again!"

"I know you didn't mean any harm, Lu Ten," I said, clasping Zuko close to me. "And I'm happy to let you play with Zuko, but you must ask someone first!"

My husband was not so charitable toward the boy; his fury was something to behold. "This irresponsibility is no way for an heir to the throne to behave!" he roared. "You should be beaten for such carelessness!" Lu Ten flinched at these words, but he stood bravely on his feet.

"Oh, no, my lord husband, surely not," I said. "He meant no harm, and in fact he _did_ no harm. Inadvertently giving us all a scare is not so terrible. I'm sure he's learned his lesson."

"I have!" Lu Ten said immediately.

So it ended well, and oddly enough, Zuko was the least perturbed of anyone by the incident. My lord husband was still very agitated, so I invited him back to my chambers to have some mild sake while I fed the baby.

"You let that boy off far too easily," he said once we were alone.

"He made an honest and harmless mistake," I said. "He's a dear child."

"He should know better at his age."

"Whether he should or not, there's something else you ought to consider."

My husband poured himself another drink and swallowed it before continuing. "Oh? And what's that?"

"Your brother will be home in a few days. What would he think if the first news he got from his son was that Uncle Ozai had him beaten for playing with his baby cousin?"

He said nothing, which is his usual response when he is losing a point but is too stubborn to concede it. He had a third drink and then excused himself from my chambers.

I have spent the rest of the day with Zuko, because Su-Lin is still very upset and is convinced that she is unfit to mind him, and I haven't been able to retain another lady's maid on such short notice. Sometimes I really wish that girl were not so fragile! Hopefully, she will be back to herself by tomorrow and I will be able to resume conducting interviews.


	17. Chapter 17

23rd Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I have been so busy with paperwork for the last few hours that I can hardly bring myself to willingly take on more writing, but yesterday's events have come to a pleasant resolution that I feel I should record.

It was late afternoon, and I was reviewing my notes from the interviews of today and yesterday, and weighing the pros and cons of the various entertainers, when there was a knock at the door to my chambers. Su-Lin (who has, thankfully, returned to her normal competence) went to answer it, and came back looking humorously prim.

"My lady, the kidnapper is here to see you."

I was only too glad to set aside my paperwork for a moment. "Send him in," I said.

Lu Ten looked very sheepish as he entered. "Good afternoon, Princess Ursa," he said with a bow.

"Good afternoon, Prince Lu Ten," I responded, bending slightly in my chair. "What is the occasion for this visit?"

"I want to say sorry again about what happened yesterday," he said, bowing a second time, more deeply than before. "And also, thank you for not letting Uncle Ozai beat me!"

"I don't think he meant it," I fibbed. "He was just wound up because you scared him."

"And I brought you this," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a lotus pod, surely one of the last of the year. "You like them, right?"

I took it from him. It was small and cracked and certainly no better for having been in his pocket, but the gesture warmed my heart. "I like them very much, Lu Ten. Thank you."

He fidgeted for a moment and then said, "Aunt Ursa, am I really a kidnapper?"

"Maybe by accident," I reassured him, "but I won't hold it against you."

"Are you gonna tell Dad about it when he gets home?" he asked, twisting his sash in his hands.

"I think I should. He deserves to know what his son has been up to."

"Do you think he'll be mad at me?"

"Oh, is that what you've been worried about? I'm sure he won't be mad. He'll probably think it's very funny that we turned the whole Palace upside-down looking for Zuko when he was safe with you all the time."

"Yeah, he probably will," Lu Ten agreed, grinning. "Can I play with Zuko now?"

"Actually, it's about time for his nap," I said. "You can put him in his crib if you like."

He did so, and I was impressed by how instinctively careful he was with my child, holding him securely with both hands and supporting him in the right way. Zuko had already fallen asleep in his playpen, and he stayed asleep during the transfer. Lu Ten even had the presence of mind to put one of the soft toys in the crib with him.

"Thank you, Lu Ten," I said. "What a wonderful big cousin you are." I sighed. "I should get back to my paperwork now. You'll let me know if Uncle Ozai tries to be hard on you, won't you?"

"Yes, I will," he said, bowing once more. "It's been very nice visiting with you, Aunt Ursa." And he left in an energetic hurry.

Su-Lin clicked her tongue. "That boy moves like a cat," she said. "No wonder I didn't hear him come in and take the baby yesterday."

"He's sweet," I said. "He must get it from his father."

We conversed idly for a few more minutes, until I forced myself to return to my work. Tomorrow I shall have to come to a decision about which troupes to hire for the feast.


	18. Chapter 18

Excerpts From the Diary of Princess Ursa

10th Day, 7th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

24th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

All the decision-making has given me a headache, so I must be brief. The performers I decided on include two troupes of musicians, a band of comic jugglers, a pair of women who are identical twins and dance with the broadswords, and a singer/storyteller from one of our occupied territories in the Earth Kingdom. I have no doubts but that Fire Lord Azulon will be bored with all of them—very little seems to impress him these days—but I hope Iroh will find them entertaining. I was certainly very amused by the jugglers!

My new gown is nearly finished, though I wish now that I had insisted harder upon having it trimmed in the braid without gold wire thread. The thing must weigh forty pounds, and that is not even taking into consideration all the jewelry that I will be expected to wear as well! At least—and I say this with more regret than relief—at least I will not also be carrying Zuko on top of it all, since it is considered unseemly for a noble lady to hold her own child at a State occasion. That task will fall to Su-Lin, if she doesn't have a total nervous breakdown between now and then!


	19. Chapter 19

27th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

Iroh arrived today! There is so much to say that I hardly know where to begin. I was practicing my calligraphy not long after lunch when I became aware of a commotion in the halls, which proved to be the reaction of the Palace staff to his appearance. He was weary from traveling, but all smiles and eager to see and speak with all of us. He was the gladdest to be reunited with Lu Ten, of course, but also very excited to see Zuko and myself.

"You're well, I hope?" he asked me as soon as he was done whirling his son around for joy.

"Of course I am," I replied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Consider it from my point of view, Ursa. The last time I saw you, you were barely able to sit up in bed. It's a relief to see you've made a full recovery." He turned his attention to the baby. "And is _this_ my nephew? Great Agni, he's enormous! What in the world are you feeding him?"

I had to laugh. "Milk, mostly. Solids once a day, now that his teeth are coming in."

Iroh was hardly even listening, because he was too busy tickling Zuko under the chin and making the most ludicrous noises at him. Zuko, for his part, didn't know what to make of the attention, and made a brief, half-hearted attempt at crying before he settled for punching his uncle in the nose. Iroh made a shout of surprise and jerked back, while Lu Ten burst into laughter.

"Zuko, no!" I scolded him. "We don't hit Uncle Iroh!"

"It's perfectly all right, Ursa," he said, rubbing his nose. "It doesn't even hurt; it just startled me. We'll have to watch out when he gets bigger, though!"

"At least he didn't bite you," I remarked.

"He can't bite; he's got no teeth yet."

"Oh, yes, he does, Iroh. I just _said_ that his teeth are coming in."

"What, already? But he's only four months old. Isn't he?"

"No, Dad, he's six months old," Lu Ten offered. "It's winter now."

"It is? I thought the trip seemed awfully cold. It's so hard to keep track of time out in the field. I'm sorry, all of you. I tried not to be gone so long this time, but that Earth Kingdom General Yao is very _stubborn_!"

"Uncle Ozai says the Earth Kingdom soldiers are all unworthy, uncivilized cowards," said Lu Ten.

"I beg to differ," said Iroh sagely. "General Yao fought very bravely and with much skill…he simply lost to a better man!" He roared with smug laughter. "So, Lu Ten, have you been good while I was away?" Even before the boy answered, he looked at me and repeated the question. "Has he been good?"

"For the most part," I said. "He dabbled in theft and kidnapping for a little while, but he's over that phase now." And I related what happened the day Zuko went missing.

Iroh, as I had predicted, laughed about that too. "Nice work, son! If I ever need to take a high-profile hostage, I know who to ask!"

Lu Ten looked embarrassed, and on his behalf I changed the subject. "You must be so tired from your trip, Iroh. Why don't you go have a nice hot bath and some decent tea, and we'll all finish catching up later?"

"I suppose I should," he chuckled. "I must smell like a rhino stable." He beckoned one of his valets. "Shin, go draw me a bath. And lay out my good tea set, the one with the lotus pattern. I'll be along in a few minutes." The young man bowed and hurried off to do his master's bidding. "I'm lucky to have relatives who take such good care of me," Iroh added. "I'll meet you all in the Bamboo Garden in two hours. And Ursa, drag that sourpuss of a brother of mine along, if you can manage it."

"I'll do my best, but I can't promise anything," I said.

Unfortunately, my husband wanted nothing to do with the gathering, and seemed annoyed that I did. I suspect that he feels he lives in Iroh's shadow, and resents his brother because of it. But that is neither here nor there, and doesn't bear writing about in what I mean to be a pleasant account of the happy hours I have spent today with my genial brother-in-law. I shall move ahead to when the four of us assembled in the Bamboo Garden.

It took us several minutes to find each other among the winding paths and tall, thick stands of bamboo, and I think that perhaps Iroh was playing a minor prank on me when he named that as the location. But as a meeting-place on a winter's day, it was much to be preferred over any outdoor spot! I don't know if my brother-in-law was truly any more rested than when he first arrived, but at least he was cleaner!

Lu Ten and Iroh were already together, sitting on a bench, when I found them. As I approached, Lu Ten jumped to his feet and exclaimed, "Yay! She's here! Can I have it now?"

"Have what?" I asked.

"His New Year's present, of course!" said Iroh cheerily. "I figure we'll all be so busy with the parade and everything that we won't have time on New Year's Day."

"But that's not fair!" I protested. "I don't have anything to give either of you!"

"It's okay, Aunt Ursa," said Lu Ten. "You didn't know." And he looked at his father expectantly.

Iroh had something covered with a cloth on his lap, and with a dramatic flourish he whipped the cloth away to reveal what I took for a green and gold bowl, turned upside-down. I said as much: "A bowl?"

"No!" Lu Ten squealed gleefully, grabbing it. "It's an earthbender's helmet, isn't it, Dad?"

"That's exactly what it is!" Iroh confirmed. "I took it off the battlefield after our victory." He glanced at me mischievously and continued, "When I found it, the earthbender's head was still in it, but I left that behind because I knew it wouldn't keep well on the trip home."

"_Wow!_" said Lu Ten, but I could feel my stomach turn at the mere thought.

"Iroh! Don't say such revolting things!"

"Why not?" he grinned. "My son isn't bothered. Is yours?"

"I don't believe for a second," I averred, "that you picked up a helmet with a man's _head_ in it to give to your eight-year-old child as a New Year's present."

"I love it! Thanks, Dad!" said Lu Ten, and of course he put the helmet on his own head and ran around for a few moments pretending to be an earthbender. Then he changed his mind, took it off, and set it on a boulder beside the path. "Look! The soldier spent so much time earthbending, his head turned into a rock!"

"Actually," said Iroh, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "he did look something like that. Only more lifeless, of course." Lu Ten giggled, picked up the helmet again, and resumed running around with it.

"Really now, that _is_ enough," I said. "What kind of man will my Zuko grow into, if the men in his family talk like that around him?"

"I'm sorry, Ursa, I intended no offense. I have something for him also, but since he's so little, I'll have to give it to you for now. Won't you sit down?"

I did so, propping Zuko up in my lap. He was preoccupied with the fastenings on his clothes and didn't even appear to notice. "Does this present have a ghastly story attached to it also?" I asked Iroh.

"Not ghastly, no, but I would like to give you a little background on how I came by it. Our victory was at a small Earth Kingdom town called Tien Shang. That is, it _was_ a town when we got there. Now it's more of a historic ruin. The Earth Kingdom citizens should thank us for adding to their cultural heritage. But I'm getting off the point. Tien Shang was a small town, as I said, but very prosperous, and we were able to get a fine tribute from the local gentry, including many valuable works of art. I figured it wouldn't do any harm if I took _this_ before it was all catalogued."

He slipped his hand into the opposite sleeve and brought it out again holding a figure of a cicada-nightingale, made of gold and so delicately wrought that every feather and wing-vein was in place. I couldn't help drawing my breath in sharply. "Oh, Iroh, that's absolutely beautiful! It looks like it might come to life and fly away!"

"You think so?" he said impishly. "You'll really like this, then." He closed his hands over it and did something I couldn't quite see, and when he showed it to me again, the wings were vibrating, driven by some clockwork mechanism. After our conversation, I fully expected the thing to rise up into the air and fly, but what happened instead was almost as good: it sang! Not like a real cicada-nightingale, of course, which would have been too wonderful for words, but like a set of very tiny gongs all being struck at once and continuously.

I was speechless with delight, but Zuko wasn't—he cooed and clapped his little hands. I don't think I've ever seen him as charmed as he was in the few moments before the device wound down, and it brought slight tears of happiness to my eyes.

"I'm glad to see the gift is well received," said Iroh.

"It's magnificent," I replied. "You're too generous—I can't possibly accept it without something to give you in return."

He pretended to be affronted. "Princess, I think _that _decision lies with the recipient." He bent over and began tickling Zuko again—remembering, I noticed, to keep his face out of reach of my son's arms. "What do you say, nephew? What's more important, some boring old protocol, or your pretty toy?" He held the figure out to Zuko, who reached for it, making little whimpers of urgency.

"Iroh, don't let him grab it," I said. "He'll start chewing on it."

"Well, I'd let you take it for safekeeping, but then who would hold the baby?" he said suggestively.

I sighed. "You're hopelessly sentimental, you know. Come on, Zuko, let's let Uncle have his jollies." I passed my son over to my brother-in-law and took the figure in return. It was lighter than I had expected, but I quickly realized that it could not be solid gold—for one thing, it was partly hollow, and for another, the mechanism that produced the music would have to be iron or another hard metal, or it would wear out far too quickly. I gave it a cursory inspection, trying to figure out how to wind it, while Iroh bounced Zuko on his lap and Lu Ten finally grew tired of his game and came to sit on the ground near our bench.

Not long after that, I heard someone approaching. It was my husband, looking put out.

"Ah, brother!" Iroh greeted him. "You decided to join us!"

"On the contrary," he grumbled, "I am here to inform you that Father commands us all to assemble in the dining hall in an hour's time, to eat supper together. Apparently, I am his message-bearer now."

"How nice!" I remarked. "We haven't all been together for supper since just before Zuko was born."

Lu Ten pouted. "If it's in an hour, that means we have to go get ready _now_."

"Don't you worry, son," Iroh said warmly, returning my baby to me and leading the boy by the hand. "We'll have plenty of time to spend together, just the two of us. I'm giving myself two months' leave, starting…" At that point, he and Lu Ten moved out of earshot.

"Come along, Ursa," said Ozai.

"Of course, my lord husband. Just a moment," I said, juggling Zuko and the cicada-nightingale figure.

"What is that?" my husband asked, eyeing the trinket.

"Would you mind taking it for a moment while I stand up?" I asked, and he did so. "It's a present your brother brought back for Zuko. It sings, but I haven't had a chance to figure out how to wind it yet. Isn't it lovely?"

"What's the purpose of it?"

"To be pretty and amusing, of course," I said, able to stand now that I could use both hands to steady Zuko. "Does it need any other purpose? Zuko loves it."

"How frivolous," said my husband flatly, handing it back to me. "Now come get ready for supper. I want us to make an elegant showing for Father tonight. You've got a bamboo twig in your hair." He pulled it out and flicked it away.

Of supper itself, there is little to tell. Fire Lord Azulon was in an abnormally good humor, due no doubt to the recent success of his eldest, and was cordial and pleasant with all of us. Zuko got his first taste of plum sauce, and didn't like it. (I suppose it was too strong for his tender tongue.) My lord husband was withdrawn and said little.

Goodness! I said at the beginning of this entry that there was much to say, but I didn't realize how much…or how long it would take me to set it all down! It's gotten very late, so I will close now.


	20. Chapter 20

29th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

I have often noted in these pages that Lu Ten is a charming child…but there are times when his natural exuberance is a trial to me! I thought when the seamstresses brought my finished gown to me today that I would have no more formal responsibilities to worry about until the celebrations themselves began, but then the boy came to my chambers with a request.

"I know what I want to give Dad for New Year's, but I need your help. Will you? It can be from both of us."

The greater fool I, I agreed at once. "What did you have in mind, Lu Ten?"

"I want to do a firebending demonstration on one of the feast nights! Master Zhi says I'm progressing quickly, and I want to make Dad proud by showing everyone what I can do!"

It was then that I realized what I was getting into, but having already agreed to help, I couldn't very well go back on my word. So now I shall have to shuffle the entertainment schedules in order to make room for Lu Ten. Twenty minutes should suffice for him to display his skills, but that means cutting down on other performances for that night, and I fear the performers will be insulted.

On the bright side of things, I have discovered how to wind the golden cicada-nightingale. The key is cleverly made so that it folds down flush with the creature's body, and there is a trick to lifting it up that I unfortunately can't explain with words alone. It is also difficult to describe all the quirks of its song, which is not very loud but nonetheless carries throughout my chambers. It is very pleasant to hear a few times a day…making it a pity that Zuko wants to hear it many dozens of times a day! Why did no one ever tell me that infants are so particular about their entertainments?


	21. Chapter 21

30th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Hare (Azulon 64)

The combined festivities of the New Year and Iroh's victory have begun at last, and thus far they have been an inspiring success. The worst thing for me was waiting for the parade, which was staged to appear as though Iroh and his troops were just arriving home from their victory, so started at the city gates and ended at the front steps of the Palace, where the rest of us had to stand and wait the entire time. And I in my weighty gown!

It was an impressive procession, however, with several thousand men and their beasts and vehicles, and the firebenders periodically sending blasts of flame toward the sky in perfect unison. Iroh, riding an elaborately caparisoned rhino at the head of the column, did a bit of shameless showboating with his mount, which he has trained to rear on command and walk a few steps on its hind legs before crashing back to earth. It gave Zuko quite a fright when he did it close to the Palace steps, but Su-Lin was able to calm him quickly.

Then Iroh formally presented "the Earth Kingdom town of Tien Shang and its wealth" to Fire Lord Azulon, in a brief scripted exchange that nonetheless impressed the commoners very greatly. Then my lord husband and I, and Lu Ten, bowed to Iroh and praised him—again, as scripted—and the Fire Lord gave him his honors. Iroh turned to the assembled crowd, and _they_ all fell silent and bowed, the movement sweeping rapidly down the street and giving me the impression of a grassy plain when a wind comes along. The sudden realization that all this pomp and circumstance was in honor of _my_ family was dizzying…or maybe it was just fatigue from standing for hours in my heavy garments. In any case, I was glad when the signal came that released us all from our obeisance, and the reverential silence erupted into a cheer. There were firecrackers and music, and then it was over, and we returned to the confines of the Palace.

Supper was lavish indeed—I have never seen so many roasted ducks at one time in my life! I quickly lost track of how much I was eating, and I hope I did not embarrass myself. When it was time for the entertainers to perform, Fire Lord Azulon made a point of informing the guests that it was I who had arranged them…so they would know whom to blame if they didn't like the shows, I surmise. Fortunately, they were generally well received. Even the Fire Lord seemed to enjoy them—though he showed no outward signs of enjoyment, which would have diminished his mystique, he was attentive throughout. Iroh, though, had no such qualms, and it gratifies me to remember how loudly he applauded the troupes I hired. I can hardly wait for tomorrow evening, when Lu Ten will be putting on his demonstration.


	22. Chapter 22

1st Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

Happy New Year! Out with the Hare and in with the Dragon!

It is late morning. I meant to write last night, but inasmuch as it was New Year's Eve, I was kept up well past midnight by my obligations as a hostess, and could not bring myself to stay up yet later in order to keep my routine. Being the only lady in our royal household brings me much flattering attention, but also many burdens, and I would gladly lose some of the former if it meant a lightening of the latter! On a more heartfelt note, I simply wish I had gotten the chance to meet Fire Lady Ila and Princess Choren. I cannot help but wonder what they were like in person, as opposed to the reminiscences about them…and whether I could have been close with either of them.

Lu Ten's firebending demonstration last night was most impressive for one of his tender years. I know little about the forms of the art, but I was able to recognize that he was performing original variations on one of the basic katas. His specialty seems to be in distance. At one point he sent a flame nearly the whole length of the dining table—just as Lord Hong was leaning over it to take more sweetmeats! I thought the man would faint when he realized that the fire was brushing his hat! Iroh had been a bit at the sake and didn't know whether to laugh or applaud or weep with pride, so he did all three at one and the same time. It was most gratifying for me as the one who scheduled the performance. Even old Azulon favored his grandson with a small smile and nod as the boy finished and took his bow.

Later today will be the gift exchange…between those of us who have not already done so, that is! With all my duties, I have not had time to acquire a material gift for my lord husband, but I have sent word to the cooks that they are to serve all his favorite dishes for lunch today, and I will compose and recite a poem for him while he eats.

Tonight is, of course, the third and last feast night. I hope our luck holds, and it is as successful as the celebration has been so far!


	23. Chapter 23

2nd Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

It is very quiet in the Palace today—almost too quiet, in comparison to the riot of our three-day celebration. A lot of little lulls have added up to one big one. The Fire Lord has been sequestered in private meetings with various ministers and officials for most of the day, and I have not seen him at all. And, of course, there is the fact that the ever-boisterous Lu Ten is absent: Iroh has taken him on an all-day outing, and they are not expected back before sundown.

I don't think my lord husband thought much of my extemporaneous poetry yesterday, but then he has never much cared for the fine arts that I know of, and at least he appreciated my gesture of ordering his favorite foods for lunch. His gift for me was a jewelry box that is so intricately ornamented as to nearly qualify as a piece of jewelry itself. It is made of hardwood, covered in embroidered beaded silk, and the embroidery and beadwork make patterns that seem to shift if I look at them too long. It is very fitting, since I often have the same impression of my husband!

Zuko is still quite taken with the cicada-nightingale and will not let me go half an hour without winding it for him. I will have to have words with Iroh about that! Maybe I'll lean on him to come up with a new amusement—one Zuko can operate by himself!


	24. Chapter 24

9th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

It is now a week since the New Year's festivities ended, and I still have seen very little of Iroh, so occupied is he with spending time with Lu Ten alone. Of course I understand and accept that his own son comes first, but if he is going to continue to be away for six months at a time, I must insist upon enjoying his company while he is here. It is for that reason that I intend to corner him the next time I see him and not release him until I have his promise that we will indulge in a family gathering before a second week has passed! Zuko needs to grow accustomed to his uncle's face.

My husband is no help at all; he has been downright sullen since his brother returned. What ails him is obvious enough: he envies Iroh the Fire Lord's favor, and when Iroh is home he is faced with a constant reminder that he is second-born and second in Azulon's esteem. I have made some efforts to distract him from his resentment, but the results are not encouraging. For his own health and happiness—not to mention the unity of our royal household!—I hope he is able to overcome this sense of competition.


	25. Chapter 25

11th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

What a day I've had! My brother-in-law came through magnificently on his promise of a fine time for all of us, and I think even my lord husband feels more warmly disposed to his elder brother now…for the time being, at least. (I must be realistic.)

It was barely dawn when I was abruptly awakened—and although dawn comes late in the winter, it does not come late _enough_ to justify how cheerful Lu Ten was when he came hammering on the door to my chambers, "in the name of the Crown Prince." He must have found it quite the lark to have the authority to command his aunt to rise at such a brutal hour; nonetheless, I doubt he would have tried such a method with my husband, authority or no!

I dressed myself and Zuko and we followed my nephew out into the carriage yard, where my husband and his brother waited by a plain coach. "What's going on?" I asked.

"If I told you, it would spoil the surprise," said Iroh matter-of-factly.

I looked questioningly at my lord husband, but he only shrugged. "I am as ignorant as you are," he said, offering me his hand in order to help me into the carriage. I got as far as putting one foot on the running board before turning to address Lu Ten. "_You_ know what this is about, don't you, you little imp?"

"No, Aunt Ursa," he said frankly. "Dad woke me up and told me to go wake _you_ up. That's all I know."

"Why so impatient, sister-in-law?" Iroh grinned. "You'll find out everything in due time. Get in the coach."

I did, and my husband followed, and within a matter of minutes we were underway. The coach windows were small and obscured by draperies, and I could make out only the vague outlines of buildings as we passed out of the Palace complex and into the city. A sudden whimsy struck me and I clutched Ozai's arm in mock fright.

"Great Agni, my lord husband! I do believe we're being kidnapped!"

He did not speak a reply, but gave me a withering look that served well enough as one. Feeling chastened, I focused my attention on Zuko, who was falling asleep again and letting his head loll.

"It's a good thing I'm making you come along, brother," said Iroh. "If anyone needs a reason to be cheerful, it's you."

"Please forgive my wife," he answered, blank-faced. "She has an unfortunate tendency to make jokes heedless of propriety."

"I've noticed," Iroh smiled. "It's one of the things I admire about her."

After some time, I became aware that the coach was exiting the city. Before I could even open my mouth to query, Iroh met my eyes with a good-humored expression, an eloquent reminder that I would learn all when the time was right and not a moment before, and I stifled my questions.

We followed the main road only briefly before turning onto a side way that must have been little used, for the ride became much rougher. I was afraid for a moment that I would either drop Zuko or be jolted from the seat myself, but the worst of it passed soon, and after several more minutes, the coach eased to a stop.

"Wait here," said Iroh. "I have to check something."

He left, and I succumbed to curiosity and nudged aside the curtain to see where we were. I saw barren trees, and a glimpse of the city walls a few miles away. The movement woke Zuko and he started to whimper, but before I could soothe him, Iroh returned, beaming. "Everything's ready! Come see!"

Lu Ten bounded out of the coach immediately, and there were childish cries of delight at whatever awaited us. It was all I could do to retain my own dignity instead of rushing out myself.

My first impression upon exiting the carriage was that we had stopped at the camp of a traveling circus. I saw tents and canopies, and a number of portable hearths and ovens. Then the smell of dumplings reached me, and I suddenly remembered that I had not eaten yet. There were people bustling about, and I recognized the uniform of the Palace kitchen staff.

"What do you all think?" said Iroh. "All the comforts of home, but in a splendid countryside setting!"

"You arranged all this? How did you ever manage it so quickly?" I asked.

"Rank hath its privileges, Princess," he said with a slight bow. "I just told them where and when and let them work out the logistics."

"Do you also lead armies this way?" my husband deadpanned. Iroh only laughed in response.

It took a few minutes before I could take in exactly what my brother-in-law had devised for us. The best comparison I can make is with a temporary inn, and even this is a very flawed comparison as there were no sleeping quarters per se. But there were the cooking facilities I have already mentioned, and a large canopied area with a table and cushions for eating, and another for simply sitting in conversation and enjoying the area. The smallest tent was completely enclosed for me to nurse Zuko in privacy, and when Iroh pointed this out to me, I realized that he meant for us to spend all day in that place.

In no sense can I say it was a day not well spent! At the Palace, obligation of one kind or another always manages to find us; away from those lacquered walls, we were truly at leisure. Iroh had even had the foresight to have paper and inkbrushes brought along, so that I could record the poems that the winter landscape inspired. There is a certain austere beauty to be found in a field of dead grass dotted with leafless trees.

Mostly, though, Iroh and my lord husband and I spent the day in conversation. We spoke of progress on the war front, and of gossip from the noble houses in the capital, and of our children (while Lu Ten was out of earshot, of course). It amounted to little more than small talk, and I cannot even remember most of what was actually said. But it was so pleasant to have an entire day for such things!

The one mishap came when Lu Ten, exploring the area, fell into a stream and had to sit wrapped in a drapery and shivering while his father firebent his clothes dry. If he catches cold, I won't feel too sorry for him! At least the enclosed tent proved useful to someone other than Zuko and myself.

I even found some time to walk alone with my lord husband, leaving the baby in the care of his uncle and cousin. We spoke very little during that time, not least because there was little for either of us to say. There was a slight strangeness in him that I could not quite identify, as if his body could not decide whether to be tense or relaxed. I could only guess at his thoughts, and wished—I still wish—that I were smarter at deciphering the minds of other people. But this comes mostly in retrospect; at the time, it was wholly agreeable and peaceful to be strolling together in the chilly countryside.

Needless to say, I am deeply grateful to Iroh for arranging the outing. Despite what he says about the privileges of rank, I know he must have spent most of yesterday, if not all of it, making the plans and coordinating the people involved. And all because I said I wanted to spend more family time while he was still at home! I almost feel guilty being the recipient of such indulgence. I shall have to find a way to repay his thoughtfulness.


	26. Chapter 26

12th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

May future readers forgive the poor handwriting here; my head and heart are so muddled that I am surprised I retain the ability to write at all. Have I wronged my husband? If so, I swear I did not intend to!

He summoned me to his quarters this morning. I was apprehensive before I even arrived, since he rarely calls for me unless he has some specific purpose in mind. My fears were realized when he turned his valet out of the room and addressed me in cold tones.

"Of late, wife, you have been entirely too cordial with my brother for my liking."

"My lord husband, I do not understand," I said. "Why do you take offense at such a thing?"

"You are _my_ wife, not his," was the reply. "Yet whenever he is here at the Palace, you seek out his company almost to the point of fawning over him. I demand that you explain yourself."

All at once, it struck me what he was implying, and I felt as though the floor was tilting beneath my feet. I put a hand against the wall to steady myself, but it was several seconds before I was able to speak. "You suspect me of being unfaithful to you?"

"I do not know what I ought to suspect," he said evenly. "All I know is that my wife behaves as though she were more drawn to my brother than to me."

I began to feel alarmed. "Surely you don't think even for a moment that I would betray you in such a fashion!"

"Make me believe it, then!" he shouted suddenly. "Prove to me that my confidence in you has not been misplaced, that you have not been playing me for a fool!"

"What can I say?" I said helplessly, backing away from him a step although he had not moved. "All I can do is swear to you that I have not broken my vow of marriage. I cannot make it so that my words convince you!"

"No, you certainly can't," he said, his tone calm once more. "A liar is a liar, when all's said and done."

"You sound as though you've already made up your mind that I am a liar," I said, forcing my voice to remain steady though I felt tears pricking the edges of my eyes.

"No," he said softly. "I think you are an honest woman. But that thought is at war with the other."

"I do not deny that I seek out Iroh's company when he is here," I said. "He is my dear friend and I miss him when he is away. But there is competition between the two of you for my attention only if _you_ make it so. I have always invited you to share our occasions, and I am disappointed whenever you refuse."

He was silent for a long moment, and would not meet my eyes. "Yes," he finally said. "That is true. Come here, my wife."

I went to him, and he crushed me in a fierce embrace. All at once, my tears overflowed, and I could not hold them back. It took all my will to keep from sobbing aloud, and to turn my face to the side so that I would not spoil his garments with my weeping.

"You must understand," he said. "You are the only thing I have that _he_ has no claim on simply by virtue of being the firstborn. Even my son will someday be a soldier under his command. But you are mine and mine alone. He cannot take you away…but you can take _yourself_ away. And then I would have nothing at all to call truly my own."

His words look forlorn, written down. But they did not _sound_ forlorn when he spoke them—only bitter and angry. "You envy your brother too much, my lord husband," I told him gently. "You would do better to find contentment in yourself. It is no bad thing to be the second son of the Fire Lord. You hunger too sharply for his praise. You know he does not give it lightly."

"It is only natural for a son to seek his father's approval," he said absently. "May my son be as eager to please me when he is older. I would find something wrong with him if he did not." Again, he lapsed into a long silence, while my back grew sore from his fierce grip. Then he said something that surprised me: "I want another child."

"So soon?" I stammered, craning my neck to look up at him.

"I'll _prove_ to Father that the second-born can be just as worthy as the first, even worthier, if given the proper encouragement."

This so shocked me that I pushed forcibly away from my husband, which is something I have hardly ever done. "No child of mine is going to be used as a—as a _tool_ for you to gain the Fire Lord's favor!"

"Now, Ursa, don't misunderstand me," he said in a rather lecturing tone. "I want more children in any case…but why not use the opportunity to show Father that it is not _birth order_ that determines greatness?"

I mulled over his words. "We can raise our children as it pleases us…within reason, of course. But in any case, you'll have to wait. I can't conceive again as long as I am nursing, and Zuko is much too young to be weaned. In fact, he's due for another feeding soon."

He nodded, understanding. "We'll discuss it another day. You may go, Ursa. But—come back tonight. I wish for my wife to be with me, and no one else, for an evening."

I could not help but blush slightly. "Yes, my lord husband."

As soon as I have finished writing, it will be time for me to go to him. I am not entirely at ease, for though he no longer doubts my fidelity, he may yet wish to put it to the test. Perhaps he only needs assurance that his claim on me is secure. I wish there were more I could do to soothe his fears, for fears they are, even if he will not admit it. Sometimes I think the world itself is darker and more hateful in his eyes and mind than it is in mine, or Iroh's, or even Fire Lord Azulon's. I fear for him if that is so, for nothing drives men to madness so readily as the pain of despair.

I fear also for my children, for Zuko and any I may bear in the future, if he sees them too much as models of himself and Iroh. If he feels he must prove his worth to his father, he ought to prove it _himself_, instead of trying to make examples of his innocent children. They will be who and what they will be, and if he tries to force them into molds that satisfy his pride, he will only harm them. I must try to make him see this tonight…for the sake of my entire family.

END OF PART ONE

_A/N: This story is not over—not by a long shot!—but it may go on hiatus for a little while so I can concentrate on "Crowns of the Kingdom." (If there are any Disney fans in the audience who don't already know about that one, go check it out!)_

_Big thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far, especially those of you who brought last chapter's "editing error" to my attention so I could fix it before too many people got confused. I hope my take on the Fire Nation Royal Family dynamic is at least superficially plausible. I figure evil of Ozai's caliber doesn't arise _ex nihilo_, and who better to comment on the progression of his psychopathy than the one person who might have had some closeness with him?_

_Thanks again, and, as the billboard says, Watch This Space For Further Developments._

—_Karalora_


	27. Chapter 27

13th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

My husband did a strange thing last night, during our lovemaking: he captured both my wrists in one hand and held them fast, as though he were not my welcomed husband but my ravisher. He would not speak of it, but I believe it was his way of reinforcing his claim on me in the wake of our conversation yesterday. If it soothes him to think he has made a conquest of me, I do not begrudge him the play-acting, but all the same it was a little startling.

I feel out of sorts today. I keep thinking I should tell Iroh that our friendship had caused us to fall under my husband's suspicion, but somehow I doubt Ozai would appreciate having his paranoia revealed. It would embarrass him to have it get around that he was so wrong about so serious a matter…and it _would_ get around; gossip is irrepressible within these walls. As the saying goes: one has a secret; two have a confidence; three have news.

Zuko feels out of sorts also. His incoming teeth are bothering him again and he doesn't want to eat his mush. I think he may be becoming ill again—at least, he feels a little feverish to me, although Su-Lin tells me it is probably just due to the teething and I needn't worry. I must remember to ask her how she comes by so much knowledge about babies. It cannot be from direct experience, because she has no children of her own; in fact I do not believe she is even married.


	28. Chapter 28

17th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

As I feared, my husband has begun pressuring me again to hire a wet nurse for Zuko. Before, I suppose, he did it out of some misplaced sense of propriety regarding who should and should not endure the "indignity" of suckling an infant, but now, it is because he has it fixed in his mind that he must have a second child to display to the Fire Lord as an example of the merits possessed by second children. While I do not blame him for being frustrated that he is forever overshadowed by Iroh's position and deeds, I will _not _have my children used as object lessons, and I will not withdraw from the child I have just to hasten the birth of the next one. On this point, I am absolutely resolved; Ozai will have to be patient, though it is not in his nature.

I have neither seen nor communicated with Iroh since the confrontation a few days ago, and I can only wonder what he makes my sudden avoidance of him…if indeed he has even noticed! Perhaps I shouldn't flatter myself unduly; there is at least an equal chance that he has been caught up with Lu Ten and hasn't given a thought to the absence of his sister-in-law.

Perhaps I should write him a short message, and let my husband read it so that he may be assured it is innocent. Is he aware, I wonder, of how demeaning it feels to be unjustly mistrusted? I have always done my utmost to conduct myself with honor as his wife; why does he look for wrongdoing from me?

If I were braver, I would ask him outright, instead of childishly indulging myself in these written ruminations. But his suspicion makes me timid; I dare not say anything he might perceive as a challenge. I am mindful of his temper. I have not forgotten about the row we had only a few short months ago.

Perhaps I ought to make a goal of _becoming_ braver.


	29. Chapter 29

20th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

Things have returned more-or-less to normal. I never did pluck up the courage to face my husband directly, but I think I have dispelled all his doubts about my loyalty. I did help him _win_, after all…

I had ordered lunch for us (steamed duck, the importance of which will become clear) and gone, with Zuko, to see if Ozai would eat with us in the solarium. My inquiries led me to the training arena, where I found my husband sparring with Lu Ten, of all people, while Iroh coached his son from the sidelines. None of them spotted me at first, and for a moment Zuko and I watched the spectacle in silence. My son's eyes were wide with amazement and perhaps a little terror, and I cannot say I did not share his opinion. The sight and sound of the flames flying back and forth was a breathtaking one, and I was struck by how strong and competent my husband appeared…and how attractive, with his half-naked body shining with sweat in the firelight! Whatever else I may think of him, I cannot deny that he is a fine figure of a man!

Poor Lu Ten was obviously hopelessly outmatched in every respect, trapped so far into the defensive position that he was almost in retreat, doing much more dodging than firebending.

"Don't be intimidated!" Iroh called to him. "Find an advantage and use it!"

Even at a distance, I could tell the boy was in distress. My husband was using unusually aggressive tactics for a simple sparring match, and Lu Ten didn't know how to handle it. After a near-miss sent him scampering, I shouted for Ozai to be careful lest he burn him. It would have been better for Lu Ten if I hadn't, however, because he glanced up to see me, and in that instant my husband darted in and attacked! There was scarcely enough time for Iroh to shout a warning, certainly not enough for Lu Ten to react, and the next thing I knew, my nephew was crying out and clapping a hand to his right ear.

"I _told_ you!" I said, hurrying to the arena entrance as quickly as I could while carrying Zuko. Iroh had already leapt over the railing to help his son, while my husband stood by, unperturbed. By the time I reached the little gathering, Iroh was already smiling.

"It's all right," he said. "He's not hurt. He just lost a little hair." I saw—and smelled, unfortunately—that the little tuft of hair in front of his ear had been singed right off. There was some redness to the skin, but it was fading too rapidly to represent an injury as such. His cry, I realized, had been of alarm rather than pain.

"I'm glad," I said for lack of anything else to say.

"Hi, Aunt Ursa," said Lu Ten. "Hi, Zuko." He seemed embarrassed to have been caught performing so poorly.

"Ursa, what are you doing here?" asked my husband, sponging off his sweat with a cloth.

"Watching a grown man use unnecessary force to subdue an eight-year-old child, apparently," I replied. "You could have done him serious harm."

"I'll thank you not to question my skill and control, woman," he said, not too disdainfully.

"It's okay, Aunt Ursa," said Lu Ten. "I asked him not to hold back. I'll never become a master firebender if I only train with people who go easy on me, right?"

"Lu Ten, do you know why you lost?" Iroh asked sternly.

"Yes, Dad. I let myself get distracted."

"That's right. _Never_ take your attention off your opponent, not even for an instant."

"Oh, Lu Ten, I'm so sorry for distracting you," I said.

"No, it's my own fault," he said immediately. "I should have been more focused. I bet Uncle Ozai would have won anyway, though. He's really good!"

My husband pretended not to hear, but I caught a hint of smugness on his face as he donned his robe again. "Indeed," I agreed. "I wonder if the great defeater of small boys would do me the honor of joining me in the solarium for lunch?"

"I don't make a habit of taking meals with people who mock me," he said in a drolly matter-of-fact tone.

"Mockery? Perish the thought!" I said. "And I should tell you that _someone_ will be very disappointed if you don't." I hoisted Zuko higher on my hip, drawing attention to him, and the little darling babbled and reached out toward his father, just as if we had rehearsed it!

"What's his problem?" said Ozai.

"He wants you to hold him, silly. He _likes_ you. Leave Papa alone for now, Zuko. He must be tired from exercising. Are you coming, my lord husband? The duck will get cold."

"I suppose you leave me no choice," he said.

"You ordered duck?" Iroh broke in, suddenly interested…as I had known he would be!

"I ordered exactly two helpings of it," I informed him. "If the Dragon of the West can't procure his own lunch, what's this world coming to? We'll see both of you later."

"Thank you for sparring with me, Uncle Ozai!" Lu Ten said with a neat bow. "I'll do better next time!"

As we left the arena, I made sure to let my husband set the pace, and to keep Zuko from grabbing at him. He maintained an emotionless demeanor, and we spoke little during lunch, but I do believe I impressed on him my faithful intentions. He can hardly have failed to notice my deliberate mention that we were having one of Iroh's favorite dishes without inviting him! I only hope I didn't give the appearance of protesting too much…but my husband has been gentler with me this afternoon than over the past few days. He didn't even bring up the wet nurse issue. Do I dare hope that I have found a reliable means of mollifying him? Only time will tell, I suppose.


	30. Chapter 30

21st Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

Looking back on the events of yesterday, perhaps I was a bit _too_ brusque with Iroh, who even now must be wondering why I so blatantly excluded him from our luncheon when he had done nothing to provoke me. I think I shall write him a note to the effect that I only wanted to assuage my husband's feelings of being neglected…but I shall not, after all, let Ozai read it beforehand. That, I now think, _would_ give the impression of protesting too much; nothing arouses suspicion so much as seeming too eager to avoid arousing suspicion!

Ah me, what a balancing act I am forced to perform, to see to the welfare of everyone's feelings! It makes me glad this family is as small as it is—if it were my husband in this position, I daresay he would think twice about his conviction that we should enlarge it by having another child.

On that note, I am considering having a consultation with Dr. Chung. It has occurred to me that it may not even be advisable, as concerns my health, for me to become pregnant again at this point. The scar on my belly from Zuko's birth is still fading, and though it does not pain me, I doubt it would be wise to strain it before it is quite finished healing. I must confess that I hope I am correct in this, for how better to thwart my husband's nagging than with doctor's orders? I feel a bit guilty for thinking this way—may the spirits forgive me my conniving!


	31. Chapter 31

29th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

Perhaps it is only the wishful thinking of a fond mother, but I could swear Zuko tried to speak to me today! Nothing intelligible—I am not so giddy as to believe that!—but his babbling seems more careful now, changing tone and rhythm as speech does. On a whim, I tried to see if he would repeat "Mama" for me, but he got carried away and prattled the syllable over and over: "Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma…" without any understanding. His enthusiasm was very amusing—merely thinking of it compels me to smile!

Of late, he has also been making attempts at standing, holding on to the railings of his crib and levering himself up…but his little legs are not strong enough to support him yet, and he always falls back onto his bottom, only to try again. He can keep himself occupied for hours in this way, until he tires himself out and falls asleep. His persistence, or stubbornness as the case may be, is quite charming in its way. He really is more like his father than Ozai acknowledges.

I think I just heard thunder; fortunately, it didn't wake Zuko. Though he has been less afraid of the noise since that day on the veranda, when my husband held him up to face the storm, he has never reacted well to an abrupt awakening. As for myself, I am beginning to be impatient for spring to arrive. I want to take my baby out into the warm sunshine and teach him about flowers and let him crawl on soft green grass. More to the point, I am getting tired of cold and dreary weather!

_A/N: At this point, I would like to thank my little niece Isabelle, AKA Izzy, AKA Scooter-pie (don't look at me, my mom made that one up), AKA Sharkbait, for being a baby about the same age Zuko is in the fanfic, and thus providing me with reference material on the subject of infant development._


	32. Chapter 32

3rd Day, 2nd Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

I still have had no luck in getting Zuko to call me Mama. It has become something of a mission for me, something I would like to be able to show off to Iroh before he leaves again in a few weeks. I haven't the faintest idea how old Lu Ten was when he started talking, but I like to think that I can get my son doing it earlier and have a triviality to boast about.

He _has_ finally reached the point where he can stand briefly, provided he has something to hold onto. The downside of this is that, having achieved a small success, he becomes frustrated that he cannot last more than a few seconds before his legs give out. I have had to soothe at least five tantrums today; the way he screams, you would think he had broken his leg instead of just falling on his bottom. Su-Lin says that I should just let his fits of temper peter out on their own, but his voice is so piercing that it carries throughout our entire wing of the Palace—I owe it to everyone in these halls to quiet him quickly!


	33. Chapter 33

16th Day, 2nd Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

I finally spoke with Dr. Chung today. (I have no excuse for my procrastination but simple laziness and distraction, I'm afraid.) He told me that the scar is only superficial and that another pregnancy is very unlikely to pose any danger to me at this point. But on the other hand, he confirmed my belief that Zuko is still much too young to be weaned, and even advised against using a wet nurse on the grounds that it would be very upsetting to him to suddenly be handed over to a stranger for feeding, and that the change in the milk might even make him sick. As soon as I have finished writing, I shall tell my husband—that should be the end of his nagging!

Oh, good grief, it looks so childish written down. I swear it is not my purpose to oppose my husband in this; my foremost concern is Zuko's welfare. If Dr. Chung had said it would be harmless to wean him or give him over to a nurse, I would consider doing so in order to please Ozai. If he had said it would be _better_ for my son to have a younger sibling sooner than later, I would certainly change my mind! It so happens that this time, I was in the right. I hope he will not be angered to be so informed. I do not think he will; he has been pleasant enough of late.


	34. Chapter 34

1st Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

So now Iroh is gone again, off to win us more glory and honor in his father's name. I miss him already—complications aside, it has been so nice to have him home for enough of a while that I could spend real time with him. He has a way of filling up space, and the Palace feels so much emptier without him here.

It is a pity I never got Zuko to call me Mama, but he did come up with something of his own during the farewell ceremony (which was not, fortunately, as formal as the arrival ceremony!) that he must be very proud of, because he has hardly stopped repeating it since. When Iroh mounted his rhino to ride off at the head of a column of soldiers, I took Zuko's hand and wagged it, and told him "Wave bye-bye to Uncle Iroh! Bye-bye!" He was confused at first and tried to pull his hand away, but I persisted, and he finally got the idea and shouted "BAH-BAH!" so loudly that they must have heard him as far away as Mingming.

It was all I could do to maintain my decorum instead of collapsing with laughter! I could not see Iroh's face, but I suspect that he did succumb to laughter based on the way his posture suddenly shifted, and he's only lucky the rhino wasn't a skittish one. Zuko was so pleased with himself that he immediately said "Bah-bah!" again, and I was obliged to hush him lest the Fire Lord get annoyed. It was a welcome moment of mirth for me, however, easing the wistfulness I felt at seeing my dear brother-in-law depart from our midst once again.

Once the ceremony was over, I fed Zuko and put him in his playpen. He chewed on one of his soft toys for a moment before growing bored with it, and then pulled himself to his feet and said it again: "Bah-bah."

"That's right," I said. "Uncle Iroh went bye-bye."

"Bah-bah," he repeated once more, looking unusually thoughtful for a baby.

"Yes, bye-bye," I assured him.

"Good grief," said Su-Lin. "When he gets an idea into his head, he won't let it go, will he?"

"He must get it from his father," I agreed. At that point, Zuko's legs gave out and he fell. He screwed up his face in order to complain about it as usual, but apparently thought better of it and said "Bah-bah" yet _again_, and by this time I must confess that I was beginning to tire of the game.

"Excellent," I said. "You've mastered 'Bah-bah,' young prince. What about 'Mama?' Will you _ever_ say that?"

"Bah-bah!" he replied gleefully.

"My lady, I think he may be teasing you," said Su-Lin.

"Little demon," I said, amused even through my frustration.

After that, we developed a routine of sorts. Zuko would say "Bah-bah," and if I didn't immediately reply with "Yes, bye-bye," or something of the sort, he would carry on saying it, more loudly each time, until I did. Then he would leave me in peace for no more than fifteen minutes, leaving me to agree with Su-Lin that he was teasing me. This went on for almost two hours, making it fortunate indeed that I had nothing of greater urgency to attend to for the afternoon. Finally, he became sleepy and I put him down for his nap. I was very much afraid that he would start the whole thing up again when he woke, but sleep seems to have driven it out of his mind—at least for now!

I am not sure whether to count this as his first word or not. His _intention_ is obviously to say "Bye-bye," but since he neither pronounces it correctly nor seems to know what it actually means, it seems a bit premature to claim this as the milestone. I think I'll keep trying for "Mama" tomorrow.


	35. Chapter 35

13th Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

Today was the first really warm day since last autumn, and in celebration we spent most of it outdoors. Spring is late in coming this year—the cherry blossoms are still only tiny red buds, and the grass is too pale and soft to walk on without crushing it. But the koi have awakened from hibernation, and the turtle-ducks have begun their courtship rituals. It was the first time Zuko has been close to animals since he began crawling, and he has a typical childish fascination with them. I had to watch him very closely to make sure he didn't fall into any ponds. When it gets a bit warmer, I'll have to start teaching him how to swim, just for safety's sake.

For now, I showed him how to crumble up stale rice cakes and throw the pieces for the creatures to eat. He definitely enjoyed the throwing part! He also loved the sunshine…so much, in fact, that he didn't want to go back inside for lunch and kept trying to take off the hat I put on him to protect his skin from burning. My husband says this is the mark of a firebender, for whom the sun is empowering, and I'm sure he knows what he is talking about.

In any case, it is such a joy to have the warmer weather returning. The winter has, what with one thing and another, felt much longer than usual. But I have a feeling that things will be better all around in the year to come.


	36. Chapter 36

28th Day, 4th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

It may be Lu Ten's birthday, but I feel as though I am the one who received the best of the gifts—Zuko _finally_ called me Mama! It happened during supper. I grant that he did it in response to Lu Ten's encouragement rather than mine, but he looked right at me when he said it, and that's proof enough for me that he knew what he was saying. I'm afraid my reaction was embarrassingly _ebullient_; I laughed and swept Zuko up in my arms, right in front of the party guests! Fortunately, I was able to contain my glee quickly, and the Fire Lord said nothing but "His first word, I presume?" before getting things back on track.

Lu Ten loved the pikes; in fact, unless I am mistaken, he is in the training arena practicing with the wooden one right now. They were not the only weapons he received, but I can say with some satisfaction that they _were_ the only ones sized for his use, with the exception of the sword given to him by the Duke of Minchu, which I can only surmise is purely ceremonial since it seems to be more enamel than steel. Ornaments are not of much interest to a nine-year-old boy, but he was polite and thanked the Duke—and all the others who gave him similarly decorative things—in the correct fashion.

Everything, however, was overshadowed by the magnificent surprise that Iroh sent: a live Earth Kingdom ostrich-horse, captured from some colonel or other in battle and shipped back to the capitol at an expense surely known only to Agni. Before today, I had never seen one, and it is altogether amazing to me that anyone can ride such a creature without it falling over—with only two legs, it seems quite precarious compared to a rhino or mongoose-dragon. Indeed, Iroh's accompanying letter instructed Lu Ten _not_ to try riding it until we can find someone who already knows how, to teach him. But it is a well-behaved animal that will take fruit from a person's hand if it is offered. Lu Ten has named it Tsuchi.

Soon enough, of course, we shall have to begin preparing for Zuko's first birthday. With any luck, by then he will have learned more words, or even started walking!


	37. Chapter 37

9th Day, 6th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

Zuko's experiments in walking continued today. I was occupied with preparations for his birthday and did not see them myself, but Su-Lin gave me a full report: he still is not confident without support, but if he has a railing or someone is holding his hand, there seems to be no limit to how far he will try to go, or how fast he will try to move in the process. I have good hope now that he will be walking properly by his birthday…provided he doesn't take a bad fall and frighten himself out of it, that is!

He greets me with "Mama" nearly every time he sees me now. I have been trying to get him to say "Papa" to my husband, but as often as not Zuko takes it as an invitation to play the bah-bah game. I love my baby, but his taste for repetition is very tedious when I have so much else to think about.

To be philosophical about it, at least when he is playing the bah-bah game, he is not throwing all his toys out of his playpen. This is something he started doing yesterday, but today he has made a regular habit of it. I feel a bit foolish in that it took me three instances of gathering them all up and putting them back in the playpen before I realized that he wasn't going to stop throwing them. So the fourth time, I let them lie where they landed. Zuko wasn't pleased about this and had a minor tantrum.

"Stop that," I told him. "You have no one to blame but yourself."

He cried louder and pointed forlornly at his favorite soft rhino doll.

"Not this time," I said. "If you're going to keep on throwing away the things you love, you mustn't be surprised when eventually you don't get them back. I don't feel the least bit sorry for you."

Of course, he couldn't keep crying forever, and after he calmed down enough to say "Mama" instead of screaming, I gave him the rhino, but none of the others. He didn't seem to mind; in fact, he almost immediately lay down and went to sleep, and has stayed asleep in the hour since. Soon it will be time to put him in his crib for the night. I hope he has learned his lesson about throwing his toys, though I fear he will test me on the matter. I don't know that I would call Zuko willful, exactly, but he is definitely stubborn, as much so as his father. It is my hope that I can teach him to channel this trait wisely.


	38. Chapter 38

22nd Day, 6th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

What a day I've had! Zuko's birthday party was just the beginning. I am delighted by the generosity of the nobility in producing gifts, especially so soon after they were called upon to provide for Lu Ten's birthday. It would take me hours to compose a proper descriptive list of the beautiful toys and clothes and art objects that were brought. I have to admire, too, the imagination and resourcefulness demonstrated in coming up with these marks of favor—we are, almost by definition, the family that has everything, yet the lesser nobles still have the ability to impress on occasions such as this.

I don't think Zuko knows what "birthday" means, but he was easily able to understand that he was the center of the celebration! He is not very sociable with strangers and mostly ignored the guests themselves, but he was enchanted with the gifts…and the sweets! I must have thanked people on his behalf fifty times, and I keep thinking that we'll have to start his etiquette lessons soon.

I had hoped he would show off his new ability to walk unaided, but he was taken with a bit of performance anxiety and refused. He still is not completely confident, and he so hates to fail, especially in front of others. The most I could get him to do was toddle alongside me, clinging to my hand.

After the party ended and the guests began to leave, my husband took me aside. "I wish you to reconsider having another child," he said.

"We have discussed this," I reminded him. "Zuko is still nursing, and—"

"—and I say what I always have said: hire a wet nurse. Now that he's a year old and walking, he should be able to handle another woman's milk."

"It's not just that," I said.

"Then what is it?" asked my husband coolly. But I could not find the words to explain myself. Even now, writing in retrospect, it is hard for me to express. Zuko's feeding times are the best moments of the day for me, and I think for him as well. Holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes while he suckles, I love him more than at any other time, and I am able to forget all my cares and live purely in the moment of that contented love. I know it cannot last forever, but surely it needn't end so soon!

But I digress. As I said, I was unable to explain myself to my husband, and he declared, "If you don't even know _why_ you want to keep nursing him yourself, maybe it's not as important as you think. You surprise me, Ursa. I've never known you to be this selfish."

I was taken aback by that, and I hastily excused myself to think over his words. Having done so, I am forced to wonder whether he is right. Perhaps I _am_ being selfish. What he asks of me is no terrible thing. Indeed, part of me is pleased at the thought of having another child, someone else for me to love, to be Zuko's playmate and look up to him.

Perhaps it is time to move on.


	39. Chapter 39

30th Day, 6th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

The new nurse's name is Fan. She is quite a bit older than I and has several children of her own, all of them past nursing age. She has kept her milk flowing by always having clients, which speaks for her quality as a nurse, and it is a great comfort to have someone around who is very knowledgeable about children. Su-Lin's advice has been helpful, of course, but she is limited to her memories of her mother's actions, whereas Fan has plenty of firsthand experience.

Zuko doesn't like her, though I think his objection lies primarily in that she is not me but has the audacity to try nursing him anyway. As I feared, he does not understand why I have suddenly given him over to a stranger for his milk feedings, and he has resisted suckling from Fan so strongly that he has hardly eaten anything today. She tells me not to worry, that by tomorrow he will be so hungry that he won't care who nurses him, but in the meantime, it breaks my heart to hear him crying. As well, the pitiful sound makes my own milk start to drop, and I have to wear padding under my dress to catch it.

How I miss feeding him, even after only one day! Having to keep all the milk I am producing is making my breasts feel very sore and unwieldy. What makes it worse is that I have no idea how long I should expect to wait for the flow to dry up.

I am meeting with the Palace decorators tomorrow to discuss furnishing a suite for Zuko's use, since he can hardly continue to sleep in my bedchamber once my lord husband and I begin trying to conceive again. There is a guest suite a short way up the hall from my rooms that can probably converted with little trouble, though it is perhaps slightly too large for a baby. In any case, I think I will make some nice draperies from the last of Zuko's First Moon silk. I can paint some summer scenes on them and have them hung around his bed, so that he has pleasant things to look at while he gets used to sleeping in a new place. I only hope I have not forgotten how to paint!


	40. Chapter 40

6th Day, 7th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

I think Zuko is finally getting used to Fan. He has taken to calling her Fee-Fee, but I don't feel too sorry for her because she answers to it.

I am more than pleased with her service, for in addition to being a quality nurse, she is proving herself a capable nanny. For someone who has only just figured out walking, Zuko can move surprisingly fast, and of course anything he is able to pick up goes straight into his mouth. Most of the time, Su-Lin and I are easily able to keep him from disaster, but before too long, I will be heavy with child again, and the extra pair of eyes to watch him and hands to corral him will be an absolute necessity!

I think my milk production is starting to slow down. My bosom is less sensitive than it has been for the past few days, though it is still tender enough that I am very cautious about anything touching it. I have had a few near-misses with that savage of a child of mine, who has not yet learned to be careful of other people when flailing his arms in a fit of high spirits.


	41. Chapter 41

8th Day, 9th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

I was right about the aching; my monthly cycle has returned. In a matter of days, my lord husband and I will begin trying to conceive our second child.

I must confess to a certain amount of nervousness, perhaps even dread. It is not that I do not want another child—on the contrary, I want one very much now. Zuko has gotten so used to nursing from Fan that he does not even try to undo my gown when I hold him anymore, and selfish as it is, I miss having a baby who is dependent on me in this particular.

No, my misgivings are purely pragmatic in nature. I cannot forget that I nearly died giving birth to Zuko, and even though my difficulties then were the result of a fluke circumstance, how can I be sure that it will not happen again? I can take care with my diet, take light exercise every day, set weekly appointments with Dr. Chung, and pray to every spirit patron of women and children, but in the end my control is so limited that I might as well consider myself as having none.

I have not told my husband yet that I have become fertile again. I have only been aware of the fact for a few hours myself, and I haven't found a convenient moment to seek him out. Probably, I will end up sending him a written message tomorrow morning. No doubt he will be pleased to receive the news. His motives for wanting another child still give me cause for concern, but perhaps they are not as terrible as I first thought, all those months ago. There are worse reasons for a man to want a child than a resolution to do a better job raising it than his own father did with him.

And I think that my husband is not as hard-hearted as he pretends. As disdainful of Zuko as he was in the beginning, he has become kinder to him since he began to walk and talk. Yesterday, I found Ozai trying to teach Zuko some basic firebending stances, even though his talent has not yet emerged. I very much doubt that Zuko understood the true meaning of the "game," but he was certainly delighted that his Papa was "playing" with him! So while his initial reasons for wanting another child may have been calculating ones, I very much doubt he will be able to maintain them once the dear little one is here.

_A/N: Yes, I know. Poor, poor, naïve Ursa._


	42. Chapter 42

28th Day, 10th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

I had an audience with the Fire Lord today. It was he who summoned me, and at first I was afraid that I had done something to displease him. But he received me in the antechamber to his office, rather than the throne room, and I was put at my ease. All the same, I made a full kowtow upon entering, and announced myself: "Your humble servant."

"Your promptness pleases me, Ursa," he said. "You may rise."

I sat up. "What is it you wish of me, Sire?"

"Only to enjoy your company for a time and exchange news. It seems I rarely find a moment anymore to speak face-to-face with my only daughter-in-law." He beckoned for a servant to bring us tea and rice balls before continuing. "So, Prince Ozai has told me that the two of you are to have another child."

"That is our intention," I confirmed. "But we have not yet…that is, I am not yet—"

"Yes, yes, I understand," he said, sparing me having to discuss any embarrassing details. "Your venture is fortuitously timed. I have received news from Lord Hong that his wife is with child."

"Good news indeed," I replied. "I shall send Lady Haku my congratulations."

"There is no need," said Azulon. "You may tell her in person when she arrives. I have invited her to stay here at the Palace and serve you as a noble attendant."

I was so surprised that I had no ready response, and it felt like a very long moment before I was able to blurt my stammering thanks.

"There is no need for that, either," said the Fire Lord sharply. "It is a matter of propriety. Princess Ursa, are you not aware of your station? Until such time as the Crown Prince deigns to re-marry—and I do not believe he ever will—you are the most highly ranked woman in the Fire Nation. It is not proper for you to be without ladies-in-waiting. Quite apart from that, your children will need playmates their own age. I am surprised you haven't made any arrangements yourself."

"I suppose it never crossed my mind, Sire. I must thank you again for seeing to my needs better than I had done myself. You are a wise and benevolent Fire Lord."

"And you are a credit to the royal family, Ursa. My second son doesn't deserve you." He looked at me very hard. "He is treating you well?"

"I have no complaints, Lord," I said. "He can be very demanding at times, but he is respectful of me…and even affectionate, lately. He has wanted to have another child for some time now, and I think it cheers him that I have finally agreed."

"He's far too impulsive," Azulon said bluntly. "He thinks uncontrolled temper is the same thing as strength. He'd never be fit to rule this nation even if he were the elder."

I sensed that he was testing me, gauging my loyalty toward him versus my loyalty toward my husband. I decided to take a safe route. "Then, my lord, it is a good thing that he is not the elder, and has the luxury to display such a deficiency of character. Nevertheless, I will continue to counsel him toward a more moderate disposition, as the opportunities arise."

"I am glad to hear it. As you must know, a large part of the reason I approved you as his bride was the hope that you would be able to curb his worst excesses. But enough about my son. It has been some weeks since I heard anything of _your_ son. I trust you would not have neglected to inform me of any significant developments."

"You trust rightly; there have not been any. Zuko remains healthy, and happy, as far as I can tell. He didn't like sleeping alone in his new bedchamber at first, but he is adjusting."

"That is good. He'll have to rise to his position soon enough; he might as well get an early start. Especially now that you will soon have a new child to care for. What of his schooling?"

"I don't think he's ready for any sort of formal education yet, Sire," I said. "He's still only barely speaking, after all. He probably won't be ready until his second birthday, at least. Does this disappoint you?"

"Not at all. It was only an idle question. As long as his development does not lag behind the expectations for children of his age, I see no cause for concern." He sighed deeply. "And with that, Ursa, I must close this audience and dismiss you, for I have other appointments. Your dutiful demeanor is well appreciated. Be well."

I rose to my feet at his signal and bowed once more before departing. Since then, I have hardly been able to stop thinking of our conversation for even a moment. So now I am to have a lady-in-waiting! I cannot say the prospect does not please me, but I hardly know Haku, so there is that small anxiety over whether we will get on well.

I am mindful, also, of the fact that the Fire Lord never wastes words. I am meant to take to heart everything that he said during our meeting, however trivial it might have seemed at the time. Perhaps I should start interviewing tutors for Zuko, even as young as he is. It can't hurt to be prepared.

_A/N: Does it seem a little weird that a grouchy hardass like Azulon would demonstrate some paternal affection for Ursa? Personally, I like the irony of him being disdainful of his son but amiable toward his daughter-in-law. I imagine even the Fire Lord gets lonely sometimes, and she's the only one around at present whom he can have a decent conversation with. Plus, must keep the family in line, and it's best done with a subtle hand._

_Also, them having this kind of pleasant relationship for now makes the, ahem, later events all the more twisted and bitter._


	43. Chapter 43

31st Day, 10th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

I feel guilty for not writing yesterday, but it really could not be helped—Lady Haku's carriage arrived in the morning, and I spent much of the day giving her a tour of the Palace and getting her settled in her assigned quarters, and then we stayed up quite late into the evening making friends and chatting.

I am not quite sure what to make of her yet. She is the same age as I and easy enough to get along with, but she has a rather jarring habit of dropping suddenly from her usual boisterous demeanor to a demure one whenever there are men present. I was surprised to learn how lively her personality really is, because of course the few times I had ever met her before were at State occasions, in mixed company. I also find it a bit startling that she is so active and energetic while pregnant—though of course she is only a couple of months along, not enough to weigh her down at all. (Either she does not suffer from morning nausea, or she is a stronger woman than I to carry on in spite of it. I have not been so bold as to ask.)

Zuko does not like her much, but I don't count this against her, since, as I have learned, he does not like anyone who is too new to him. I am sure he will warm up to her in time. She likes him plenty, and has already done her share of cooing and tickling, much to his consternation. I told him he'd better get used to seeing new faces every few months, since there will be new babies soon enough.

Despite these minor upsets, I enjoy having a peer to talk to. Su-Lin is very dear to me, and I have a hard time imagining anymore how I would manage without Fan, but neither of them has any experience of life as one of the nobility, and the disparity in our positions prevents me from forging a true friendship with either of them. The only difference between Haku and me is in where we married; our birth stations are the same. Listening to her gossip has made me realize, also, just how isolated I have been, and this in turn makes me grateful that I am so no longer.

I shall have to wrap this up; my husband will be here soon. This makes me think of a funny moment earlier today, when Haku finished a long speech about the various virtues and shortcomings of her husband Lord Hong, and then said, "But I'm curious about your situation, Princess Ursa! What's it like being married to the Raging Inferno himself?"

It was such a shock to me to hear Ozai described that way (though I must admit it is fitting) that I burst out laughing and could not recover myself to answer until after several minutes had passed. Even when I was able to speak again, I could hardly think of a thing to say. "Not as frightful as some people imagine," was the best I was able to manage, and I fear that Haku was hoping for something more scandalous. But I am not so comfortable with her yet that I will speak completely freely with her.

I hear voices in my antechamber; he must have arrived.


	44. Chapter 44

14th Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

As of today, my cycle is a full week late, leading me to hope that I am pregnant at last. I will need to wait a little longer to be absolutely sure, of course, but last night I dreamed of eggs, which seems like a good omen. If it is so, I can't wait to tell my lord husband—he will be so pleased!

I had a long conversation with Haku about it today in my sitting room. She also hopes very much that I am with child, because she wants someone "to commiserate with."

"Now, what can you mean by that?" I asked. "It's not as though you're slowed down at all yet. You're hardly even showing."

"For now," she chuckled. "But I've heard the tales. Soon enough, I'll just be one big anemic backache. You've been there before; you know what I'm talking about."

"The backache I'll grant you," I said. "But I wasn't a bit anemic while I was carrying Zuko."

"Yes, he waited until he was being born to drain your blood, didn't he?" Haku said wryly.

"Oh, Haku, what a ghastly thing to say," I admonished her, even though I couldn't help smiling a little at the pointed wit of it.

Meanwhile, Zuko had heard his name and, as I suppose, assumed that I was calling him. He left off playing, toddled over to me, and reached up, making his little insistent grunting noises.

"Oh, come now, Zuko," I said. "You can ask better than that."

"Mama, up!" he said.

"What, no 'please'? Where's your royal etiquette, Your Highness?" Haku teased.

"That _is_ royal etiquette," I said, lifting him onto my lap. "A prince doesn't have to say 'please' when he wants something; he just gives the command. You know, technically he outranks me, since he's royal by birth while I'm only royal by marriage. Do you think he's figured that out?"

"I don't think it matters," said Haku, half-seriously. "Motherhood trumps everything. My mother was the daughter of a merchant, but do you think she ever let me get away with thwarting her will? Never! I intend to be the same way with my little one."

"You make a good point," I admitted. "Do you hear that, Zuko? From now on, say 'please' when you want something from me, all right? Can you do that? Can you say 'please'?"

"P'ease!" he echoed.

"Very good," I said.

"He's such a little dear," Haku cooed. "If mine's half as cute, I'll have no complaints. Do you think he'll be a good big brother?"

"I hope so," I said. "I know siblings can be terribly jealous of each other."

"Case in point: the Raging Inferno," she said slyly.

"Haku!" I chided her.

"Oh, Ursa, you can't tell me it's not true. Everyone knows your husband is envious of the Crown Prince. I mean, he's not exactly subtle about it, is he?"

"That's not the point. You're setting a bad example for Zuko. Don't forget, it's his father you're talking about."

"Oh," she said, chastened. "For that, I do apologize. I'll try to rein in the gossip when he's around, shall I?"

At that point, we were interrupted by the arrival of Fan, who said it was time for Zuko's mid-day feeding. As she had brought us our lunch as well, we broke off the conversation to eat and never picked it up again. However, I have thought of little else for the rest of the day. It is only to be expected—it is exciting to think that I might very well be pregnant again. I have had to force myself _not_ to send word to my husband, just in case I am wrong. It certainly wouldn't do to disappoint him!


	45. Chapter 45

21st Day, 12th Moon, Year of the Dragon (Azulon 65)

With the passage of another week, I am sure now that I am pregnant—sure enough that I took the news to my husband. What transpired then has haunted me all day…not because it was unpleasant, exactly, but because I don't know quite _what_ to make of it. His reaction was by no means surprising; I had assumed that he would be pleased, and indeed he was. But there was something else there as well, something I could not quite decipher, and the enigma of it bothers me.

I remember every detail with such perfect clarity that I feel I could paint the scene on a screen with the power of my thoughts alone. My inquiries led me to the library, where I found my husband poring over an aged scroll with such intense concentration that he did not even notice my approach, and started when I addressed him. He quickly recovered his composure, however, and greeted me simply: "Ursa."

"I bring you news of our success, my lord husband," I said. "I am with child."

He drew in his breath sharply and carefully placed the scroll to one side, fixing his eyes upon me. "Are you sure?" he said in a tone so low that it was almost a whisper.

"Quite," I responded. "I expected my cycle two weeks ago."

Ozai slowly rose to his feet, then swiftly crossed the distance between us. He first took both of my hands in both of his and held them for a moment, then let one of his hands drift downward and laid it upon my abdomen, as though he could confirm by touch what I had just told him. And all the while, he kept his gaze absolutely steady, his eyes boring into mine with the most intense expression I have ever seen. (Intensity of _what_, I cannot say, and that is part of what disturbs me.)

Finally, he moved his hands up to cup my face. Time seemed to slow to a crawl, and it was as though all my senses became preternaturally keen, making me aware of _everything_ in that room, from the play of the lamplight over the shelves to the dry, dusty scent of ancient paper. But all that paled in comparison to the presence of my husband—the heat of his hands on my cheeks, the sound and scent of his breath as he leaned in close to me, the texture of his skin.

"How beautiful you are, lady wife," he murmured, and kissed me.

Ah me, how can I describe that kiss? The emphatic passion of it, which I have come to expect from Ozai, was oddly coupled with a tenderness that I never could have foreseen from the man who openly scorns all forms of gentleness. All at once, I felt almost unbearably light, as though I might drift away on the wind and be lost were it not for his anchoring touch. I was so completely swept up in the moment that I have no idea how long it lasted, and indeed the experience was much akin to a wholly pleasurable fainting spell, except that I was still on my feet when I came back to myself.

I was left nearly breathless, and quite speechless, and could do little but set my hands upon his shoulders as he ended the kiss and gazed at me once again, his eyes as inscrutably fervent as before.

A long moment passed like this, with neither of us speaking a word, and then whatever alluring, yet frightening spirit had possessed my husband left him, and his expression softened. "Well done," he said quietly, before standing off from me a small space. "I'd best get back to my research. But let us sup together this evening, just the two of us…or the three of us, if you prefer to look at it that way."

"Yes," I agreed, lacking the presence of mind to say any more.

"I'll make the arrangements. You…do what you must. Rest up. Until then…Princess." He made a small bow before returning to his scrolls.

"Until then, my lord husband," I replied with a bow of my own, before leaving the library.

I paused in the hall to settle myself, then went straight back to my parlor to tell Haku about it. She teased me mercilessly, of course, but I could not find it in myself to be annoyed with her.

And there I must end for today, for evening is drawing near and I must leave myself enough time to freshen up before I go to meet my lord husband.


	46. Chapter 46

16th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

It is only midday, but I feel compelled to write in case the nausea returns and robs me of my strength and will. Fan's ginger tea is a blessing, but it is not nearly as effective as fresh dragonmint. More is the pity that by the time spring returns and dragonmint is available again, I will likely not need it anymore.

Today has been the worst so far; I haven't eaten a thing for fear that it would come right back up, and even after taking the ginger, I feel queasy. I don't remember it being this bad when I was pregnant with Zuko, although Su-Lin swears that, if anything, it was worse. Perhaps it was, and my memory is playing tricks on me. In any case, I love Zuko so much that I can forgive him anything he did to me before he was born. No doubt I will feel the same way about this child once it is out, but for now, it is hard to take my mind off the misery for even a brief time. Nausea is surely the worst of all physical discomforts!

Haku has been both a comfort and an additional source of irritation. I appreciate her sympathy, but her way of helping is to suggest one spurious remedy after another, from mild sake to brisk exercise. I am sure now that she has escaped the torment of morning sickness altogether, for no one who had suffered it first-hand would speak so blithely of it.

The hardest thing has been explaining to Zuko why I can't play with him much. I am fairly sure that he understands what I mean when I say "I don't feel well," but I think at his age, he considers not feeling well something that only happens to little children like him, not powerful grown-ups like Mama. So he isn't really sure what's wrong, and it upsets him. Or perhaps he does understand, and is worried about me. Or maybe it is only the disturbance of the routine that vexes him. Whatever the reason, I am more grateful than ever to have my helpful retinue—if he gets to be too bothersome, I can call for Fan or Su-Lin or even Haku to take him off my hands, and as they are familiar faces he does not protest too much.

* * *

_A/N: Dragonmint is not a real plant (that I know of). I made it up to be the Avatarverse's equivalent of peppermint. I think "peppermint" itself sounds just Occidental enough to be out of place in a Far East-inspired setting._


	47. Chapter 47

10th Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

My husband came to my bedchamber lie with me last night. It may go without saying that I was most surprised by this. I had assumed that we would abstain until after the baby was born, as we did the first time, and I said as much.

"And what would be the point of that?" he said, already running his fingers through my hair. "Let's have none of your teasing games, Ursa. I am a man in need."

"All right," I said, "but don't be shocked when you see my body. I'm starting to get fat."

"Fat with my child," he said, his voice growing husky. "It only makes you all the more charming."

He moved very swiftly after that, and the fierceness of his passion was both inspiring and alarming. So forceful was he that at first I feared we would damage the baby, but his fervor was contagious, and I soon forgot my cares and let the moment carry me.

Afterward, I expected that he would only want to rest a moment before taking his leave of me, but he surprised me again when he said he wished to stay for as long as I would allow him. So we nestled together in our contentment, I in the crook of his arm with my head upon his shoulder, while he gently stroked my belly, just where it is beginning to swell. After a time, his movements began to slow.

"Is something wrong?" I asked quietly.

"I like being with you," he murmured as though half-asleep. "It brings me peace."

"Are you not at peace otherwise?" I asked, but he had fallen asleep. So I settled down to sleep myself. When I awoke this morning, he was gone.

There is a message for me; I shall have to continue this later.

…

A hawk just arrived with a letter for me from the war front. It seems Iroh is soon to come home for a visit. How nice!

Upon reflection, I now have to wonder whether my husband received word of this yesterday. Iroh's habit of sending a hawk for each of us does mean that sometimes we do not all get his news on the same day. I have not forgotten the shocking accusations of unfaithfulness my husband laid upon me the last time his brother was at home, and his ferocity last night was consistent with the actions of a man who fears he may soon have to guard his mate from a rival. I shall have to ask Ozai about this later. If I am reading too much into this, then so be it…but it is better to know for sure than to go in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing!


	48. Chapter 48

14th Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

It has been a day of many surprises, not the least of which was Iroh's arrival! He must have been already en route when he sent out the hawks, but the short notice is understandable, as what has brought him back to us was equally unplanned. He has been injured on the field of battle. I hesitate to call it a war wound as such…but I am getting a little ahead of myself.

I was not able to greet him in the entrance hall, because I was engaged in giving Zuko his bath, and Zuko's interest lay primarily in splashing as much as he could, so that when we were finished, I had to give him over to Fan for drying and dressing so that I could change my own clothes and groom my hair. By the time the whole process was complete, Iroh was well and truly arrived and we had to seek him out in the Eastern gardens where he and Lu Ten were enjoying a late lunch. Much to my amazement, my husband was present as well, eating and conversing with them both.

I noticed even at a distance that Iroh was handling his chopsticks awkwardly, and as I got closer, I realized that his right arm was in a sling.

"Oh, no, you've been hurt!" I exclaimed, hurrying forward.

Iroh looked up and spotted me. "It's nice to see you too," he quipped wryly.

"Hi, Aunt Ursa," said Lu Ten. "Dad hurt his arm."

I sat down on the bench beside my husband and let Zuko down to walk about as he pleased. "Is it broken?"

"No, only a bit sprained," said Iroh. "But it keeps me from firebending effectively. So I left my army under the command of Captain Leung and came home for a few weeks to recuperate."

"However did it happen?" I asked.

Iroh sighed. "Do I have to tell the story again right now? I just told it twice. Maybe I should write a newsletter and give everyone a copy."

I had to laugh. "I suppose it can wait until later."

"Good, because I'd much rather spend lunchtime getting caught up. We haven't seen each other for a year, after all."

"Indeed," I said, feigning loftiness. "It was bad enough when you managed to come home twice in a year, but once is unacceptable! I don't want my children growing up with their own uncle a stranger to them."

"Children, yes," Iroh grinned. "My brother told me about the new expectation. I couldn't be more pleased for you both. I won't mind having another little nephew or niece to spoil rotten, either!"

"It will be a neat trick, spoiling them from halfway across the world," my husband remarked. "Or will you just ship them captured ostrich-horses at Father's expense?"

"You make it sound like it's an easy thing to arrange that kind of delivery," said Iroh. "It's not. You have no idea how much paperwork I had to stamp."

"He makes a good point, though," I said. "All the expensive foreign gifts in the world don't mean a thing to someone who doesn't remember the person sending them."

"You're exaggerating. Zuko knows who I am. Watch." He turned and called to my son, who was playing with leaves and pebbles on the ground not far away. "Zuko! Come give your uncle a hug!"

Zuko got up and began toddling over, but he stopped while he was still some distance away and made the serious, thin-lipped expression he gets when he is not quite sure about something. Then he looked at me and said "Mama, who that?" (This gave Lu Ten a sudden fit of giggles.)

"That's your Uncle Iroh," I said. "He's Papa's big brother, home from the war for a visit. Don't you remember the last time he came to visit, when he gave you the pretty singer-bug?"

Zuko stared at Iroh a bit more, then suddenly smiled and said "Bah-bah!"

Iroh burst into laughter, and even my husband cracked a smile—remembering, I suppose, the origin of that phrase. But neither of them ever spent upwards of half an hour playing the bah-bah game. "Oh, Zuko, please don't start that up again," I groaned.

"No, Ursa, don't you see?" Iroh chortled. "He thinks it's my name!"

"Bah-bah!" Zuko said again, enjoying very much that we were all finding him amusing.

"No, silly!" I said, standing so that I could pick him up. "He's not called Bah-bah! That's Uncle Iroh! Go on, say 'Uncle Iroh.'"

"Unca Yi-yoh!" Zuko repeated.

"Very good," I said, setting him down again. "Now go give Uncle Iroh a hug like he asked for."

He did, much to Iroh's delight, and then said "Unca Yi-yoh" again before launching into a string of incomprehensible babble. I thought I recognized a few words, but certainly no complete phrases or sentences. Yet Zuko sounded as though he thought he was speaking intelligibly.

"That's good to know," Iroh said, playing along. "I'll be sure to include it in my next field report."

At about this time, Haku made her appearance, hiding her face behind a fan and walking with exaggerated slowness, as though the advanced stage of her pregnancy were weakening her far more than it in fact has. Because, of course, there were _men_ present, and even after all these months at the Palace, she still hides her normal energetic demeanor behind a coy façade when dealing with men. Fan was with her, humoring her by pretending to help her remain on her feet as she walked.

"Good grief, it's an epidemic," Iroh muttered upon noticing them, while they were still some distance away. "Am I supposed to know who they are?"

I leaned forward and dropped my voice. "The one with the…ah…_condition_ is Lady Haku, my new noble attendant. The other, Fan, started out as Zuko's nurse, but she knows so much about babies that we've been finagling more and more help out of her as time goes by."

"She's really nice," Lu Ten added. "Fan, I mean. She gets me snacks by fibbing to the kitchen staff that she needs it to make her milk better."

"An excellent quality in a nursemaid," Iroh agreed. But by then the two of them were within earshot and we had to stop gossiping about them. I made the formal introductions, and the conversation trailed off into meaningless small talk, not worth remembering, let alone writing down. I think Haku's feelings about Iroh and his wicked sense of humor must be quite mixed, and I can hardly wait to hear what clever nickname she has composed for him!

But what has pleased me the most of this day's events is my husband's good disposition even in his brother's presence. Perhaps he feels that, with another child on the way, he finally excels Iroh in something of significance. But whatever the reason, I do hope it lasts!

* * *

_A/N: Baby!Zuko is so adorable I can hardly stand him. Pity that cherub has to grow up into such an angst-monkey._


	49. Chapter 49

_A/N: The observant will notice a sudden huge shift in the numbering of the years of Azulon's reign in this chapter. (And now that I have mentioned it, everyone will notice.) The reason for this is that new official information concerning the timeline of the Fire Lords has come to light in an interview with _Avatar_ co-creators Bryan Konietzko and Michael Dante DiMartino. According to them, Azulon reigned for a whopping 75 years, not the mere 23 quoted in his eulogy in "Zuko Alone." It was also revealed that it has been only five years since Azulon's death and Ozai's usurpation of the throne, making Zuko 11 at the time, rather than the 9 or 10 I think most of us were assuming._

_Anyway, I consider Mike and Bryan to be definitely more authoritative sources than a writer who may not have had access to the official timeline when drafting the script for "Zuko Alone," and am changing my dates accordingly. In fact, I have gone back and re-uploaded all the previous chapters with the necessary corrections. It has no real bearing on the 'fic, of course, but I'm a perfectionist that way._

_I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming._

* * *

16th Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

Learning Iroh's name seems to have inspired in Zuko a general curiosity concerning the names of people and objects alike. For the former, he has developed a practice of pointing to servants and guards and asking "Mama, who that?" Since I, unfortunately, do not know many of their names, it has been rather unsatisfying for both of us. For the latter, he has invented a new game to be played whenever we are out in the gardens, or indeed anywhere he can walk about freely and pick up small objects. He will go off a short distance, find something he can carry, and bring it back to me or anyone else who happens to be around. That person then has to say what it is called, such as "pebble" or "leaf." He repeats the word as best he can, and then starts over again with a new object. It is both charming and annoying, because while his eagerness to learn is an endearing trait, he can keep it up for hours, and there are only so many times I can "That's a pebble" before it becomes tiresome. There are a great many pebbles in the gardens! Sooner or later, I suppose he will figure out that no matter how many small stones he brings me, they will always be pebbles.

Iroh takes a more one-sided view of the new game, but then he has the luxury of knowing that he must deal with Zuko only as much as he chooses. He has fully embraced the designation of "Unca Yi-yoh," to the point of referring to _himself_ as such when speaking to Zuko…and half the time when speaking to me as well! I don't know how he expects my son to learn to speak properly if the adults around him indulge his mispronunciations, but of course that is another aspect of Zuko's upbringing that is not really Iroh's problem.

Speaking of indulgences, Iroh has promised all of us that presents from the Earth Kingdom are on their way. I can hardly wait to see how the dear man intends to spoil us this time.

On another subject, I also finally got him to tell me how he came by his injury. I confess to being a little disappointed—I had hoped to hear a grand tale of courage in the face of flying boulders, but it was nothing so thrilling. Some earthbenders created a disturbance in the ground under Iroh's rhino, the beast tripped and threw him, and he wrenched his elbow catching himself. I think he should count himself lucky that the elbow is the worst of it; a fall like that could easily have broken his neck!

I'm feeling a bit scatterbrained, so I'll close before I ramble too much.


	50. Chapter 50

21st Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

We all visited the rhino stables today. The Fire Lord had assigned my husband to make a tour of inspection in anticipation of the calving season, and I thought that as long as he had ordered a coach to go there anyway, it would be good for Zuko to see the great beasts at their ease in their own place. Then while I was dressing him, Lu Ten turned up asking if he might accompany us so that he could visit his ostrich-horse, Tsuchi.

"That's up to your father," I told him. In retrospect it was a silly thing to say, since I don't think Iroh has ever denied the boy anything since I have known the two of them. The end result, of course, was that all five of us went to the stables together.

At the time we arrived, the stables were fairly quiet inside, as most of the rhinos were undergoing training exercises out in the yard, with the exception of a few pregnant cows (with whom I heartily empathized). Ozai took his leave of us to begin his inspection undistracted, and Lu Ten led the rest of us to Tsuchi's stall. Along the way, we passed a few of the pregnant female rhinos, and I held Zuko up to see them. They were all sleepy and didn't react much to our presence; even so, I think he must have been slightly alarmed by them, because I tried to get him to say "Komodo rhino" or even just "rhino," and all he would say was "Big!"

Tsuchi, when we came within sight of her, was much more alert—she immediately got up and trotted to the front of her pen to greet her master. Evidently, Lu Ten spied an unevenness in the animal's gait, because he cried out "Oh, no, she's limping!" He ran over, vaulted into the enclosure, and crouched to examine her feet. After a moment he stood up again. "It's okay. She just had a little piece of wood stuck between her toes."

"Good boy," said Iroh. "With any sort of riding-beast, proper care of the feet is paramount. Otherwise, well…you get things like this." He patted his sprained arm.

"Why don't you all come here and say hi?" said Lu Ten. "Just be careful if you're wearing anything shiny, 'cause she might try to eat it."

"Fair warning," Iroh chuckled. "You'd better take off your crown, Ursa. I'll hold onto Zuko while you do."

"Not with only one good arm, you won't," I said. "If he squirms, you'll drop him."

"Don't be silly, girl. Set him down and I'll hold his hand."

"Of course, how silly of me," I said, embarrassed not to have seen such an obvious solution myself. "I don't know where my head is of late."

Once my crown was off and safely put away in my handbag, I took Zuko's hand back from Iroh and led him over to the pen, where Lu Ten was stroking Tsuchi's flanks and mane.

"Do you remember Tsuchi, Zuko?" said Lu Ten. "Dad gave her to me for my last birthday. She's an ostrich-horse. Do you want to pet her?"

Zuko looked up at me questioningly, and I said, "It's all right, Zuko. Tsuchi won't hurt you. She's friendly. Say hello."

"He-yo," Zuko said obediently, but his heart wasn't in it. Tsuchi lowered her head to get a better look at my son, between the railings of the enclosure. Zuko leaned away slightly.

"It's all right," I said again. "She just wants to see you better. Go ahead and pet her on the nose. Show Uncle Iroh and Cousin Lu Ten how brave you are."

Zuko tentatively reached out to touch Tsuchi's snout. She snorted suddenly, smelling his hand, and he was so startled that he withdrew and fled from the stall toward Iroh, whimpering.

"Oh, Zuko," I sighed. "What's wrong with you today?"

"No! That bite!" he explained, pointing accusingly at Tsuchi.

"Nonsense. She did _not_ bite you, and she's not going to," I scolded him. "Now stop behaving like a chicken-mouse and come back here." I started after Zuko…but all at once I found myself held fast by the hair!

For a moment, I'm afraid I was in a state of pure panic, screaming for help and yanking at whatever it was that had hold of me. Of course, it was Tsuchi, who apparently had mistaken my hair for a sheaf of hay. Lu Ten was soon able to make her let go, but not without a good deal of pulling. (My scalp is still sore from it.) Iroh then overturned a water pail so that I could sit and recover my composure.

As for Zuko, I expected to find him wailing in terror, but the little beast was _laughing_ at me. I suppose I must have made an amusing spectacle, panicking over a little tug on the hair, but after his earlier timidity, he ought to have had the decency to be frightened on my behalf! Strangely enough, he was more confident about approaching Tsuchi once everything had settled down. This time, I lifted him so that he could see her on her own level, with no wooden planks in the way, and he patted her and called her "Soo-See."

After a few minutes of this, Lu Ten asked if we wanted to see him ride…meaning, of course, that he wanted to show off. Of course Iroh and I agreed, and he fetched Tsuchi's tack from the wall and showed us how she was trained to stand still at his command so that he could put it on her. Then he led her out into the yard, with the rest of us following.

Of course, most of the fields were in use, for the rhinos' training exercises. I spotted my husband in the distance, observing the drills and taking notes for his report. But a few of the smaller areas were free, and we went to one of these.

I had never seen an ostrich-horse in action before today, and though the initial pace of Lu Ten's ride was not very fast, the severe bouncing motion took me by surprise and made me feel rather queasy in sympathy. Indeed, at first I was certain that he was going to fall and hurt himself, and I could hardly bear to watch. But Iroh and Zuko were both delighted with the display. After a few minutes of circling the field, Lu Ten stopped Tsuchi and guided her over to where we were standing.

"She gets a treat now," he explained, pulling a small, bruised peach out of his pocket. "You wanna give it to her, Dad?"

"No, thank you," said Iroh. "If she's hungry enough to eat your aunt's hair, I don't think I can trust her to know the difference between the peach and my fingers. But Zuko should be safe—there's no way she can mistake his little hands for food."

"How about that, Zuko?" I asked. "Do you want to give Tsuchi a peach to eat?"

"Soo-See peash!" said Zuko.

So Lu Ten let Zuko take the peach, and he held it out gingerly for Tsuchi to eat. She snapped it up rather suddenly, putting him a stunned fright for a moment, but as soon as he realized that nothing bad had happened, he relaxed again.

After that, we returned to the stables so Lu Ten could brush Tsuchi and check her feet for stones and splinters. I was beginning to feel tired from being mostly on my feet for hours, so I sat back down on the pail and let Zuko loose to explore the immediate area.

"That was very impressive riding, son," said Iroh. "I'm not sure I could stay on an animal bouncing like that."

"It's not as hard as it looks," said Lu Ten. "You have to do this thing where you stand up a little and bounce with her."

"When is your next lesson? I thought you were having them every week."

Lu Ten sighed and shuffled his feet. "Madam Ma-Lung doesn't give lessons in the winter. I have to write to her and let her know I'm ready to start again now that it's spring."

"Well, then, you do that as soon as we get home," Iroh said seriously. "No slacking."

"I will, Dad."

Not long after that, a groom found us and informed us that my husband had finished his inspection and was waiting for us back at the carriage. Of course when we got there, he noticed at once that I was not wearing my crown and my hair was in disarray, and I had to tell him what had happened and assure him that not a bit of harm had been done to me.

Since we returned to the Palace, I have spent the afternoon and evening resting and occupying myself with quiet pursuits. Still, the extra weight I am carrying is beginning to slow me down a little, and I am tired enough that I think I shall retire soon.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry this took so long. I've been_** very** _busy lately, not only with creative projects but with my actual job that I get paid for. I'll try to get the next one out quicker._


	51. Chapter 51

9th Day, 4th Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

I felt the baby kick for the first time today! It happened this afternoon, while I was taking my daily walk in the gardens. It was only very slight, and I thought at first that I had only imagined it, but then it happened again—several times in a row. It spurred me to begin thinking about names, mostly girls' names. It is foolish, for I have no way of knowing what the baby is, but inasmuch as I already have a son, I think I would slightly prefer this one to be a daughter. I keep picturing a pretty little girl that I can dress in fine gowns and coif with elaborate braids for formal occasions.

I suppose my husband would prefer another son; men usually do. We have not discussed it in any depth. I would have liked to do so today, but I have not been able to find him. I wrote a message saying that I wish to see him and left it in the keeping of his valet.

I think the baby is kicking me again. Hopefully it will not keep me from sleeping!

* * *

_A/N: Boy, isn't _she_ in for a surprise._


	52. Chapter 52

20th Day, 4th Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

It is with relief that I write this, for it means this wretched day has come to an end at last. I have never been one to indulge in self-pity, but today has just been one misery after another.

It started with Haku—poor woman, her pregnancy is so much harder on her than my first was on me. Lately, she spends hardly a waking moment free of pain and physical exhaustion, and there is only so much that can be done for her. Her back was hurting her so much today that she could not even get out of bed, and I went to see her in her own chambers around mid-morning.

"I swear, Ursa," she told me, "I swear to Agni and all the good spirits, I will never again pretend to be weak when I am not. Strength is too much of a blessing to waste on such childish games."

I had hoped to ease her suffering by massaging her back, but obviously she couldn't lie on her stomach to get the full effect. I had her turn on her side and did the best I could, given how much my own flexibility is reduced these days. Her agony was truly heartbreaking to behold, and it was not long before I started feeling sympathy pains, cramps in my lower back and my abdomen.

That must have triggered something in my body, because the pains slowly got worse over the next few hours, even after I left her and went about my business. After lunch, I began to feel nauseous for the first time in weeks, and I took to my own bed to avoid becoming violently ill.

Fan, with the best of intentions, brought Zuko to my room in the hope that he would cheer me up and take my mind off my discomfort, and at first it worked. I told him "Mommy doesn't feel good," and he climbed up onto my bed and kissed my cheek and said, "Mama okay," which, I suppose, was his way of comforting me or wishing me well. But then he wanted to play the what's-it-called game with my things, and my patience ran out very quickly. I scolded him perhaps more harshly than was needful, and he responded by becoming cranky and obstinate, pulling at my hair and clothes and whining "Mama play! Mama play!" Soon, in addition to everything else, I had the beginnings of a pulsing headache.

Finally, my temper broke, and I seized Zuko by the hands and shook him and said "Enough! I've had enough, do you hear me? This is no way for a prince of the Fire Nation to behave! I swear, Zuko, if you do not quiet down and stop pestering me _at once_, I shall switch you!"

He was plenty startled and stopped whimpering immediately, but I could see from his expression that he was going to test me, and a moment later, he screamed at the top of his lungs and tried to yank himself out of my grasp.

So of course I had to carry out my threat, lest he think my authority empty…but trying to sit up aggravated both my headache and my nausea, and it was all I could do to keep my hold on Zuko while lying down. I called for Su-Lin several times before remembering that today was her day off. By a stroke of luck, however, Fan heard and came in to offer her assistance.

"This little beast needs a switching," I said. "Please bring me a bamboo stalk or something like it."

She did, and then I had her hold Zuko still while I swatted his bottom with it a few times. From my reclining position I was not able to swing it very hard, so I doubt it really stung him as much as his howling implied. Then I told Fan to take him to his chambers and make him lie still on his bed until he could comport himself like a gentleman. So she dragged him away, sighing and chuckling while he cried and screamed "Fee-Fee no! Fee-Fee no!" I feel my headache threatening to return just writing about it.

Some time later, my husband came to see me, having heard that I was feeling poorly. By that time, of course, most of my discomforts were subsiding, and I was able to sit up while I told him about Zuko's misbehavior and what came of it.

"Good," he said. "It's about time you stopped coddling that child and applied some discipline."

"Don't accuse me of coddling him," I replied. I was not feeling so well that I would simply accept his blame with good humor! "If this is the first time I have ever switched him, it is because it is the first time he drove me to it. He is normally very well behaved—as you would know if you took a more active hand in raising him."

"Ursa, there is nothing I can teach him until his firebending emerges. I am not a nursemaid."

"But you are his father, and he thinks you're wonderful. I don't know how he knows it when you hardly ever spend any real time with him. Will it be the same with this one, I wonder?"

"Woman, please. I did not come here to start an argument. You are letting your unwellness speak in your place."

I had to agree with him, for I was still feeling out of sorts. He did not stay long after that, and I think I must have given him some small offense. It makes me glad, once again, that the day is over, and I can start fresh come the morning.

_

* * *

A/N: I do not condone spanking toddlers, especially not with a switch or any other object. I wrote this chapter to show that Ursa is not a perfect parent; she makes mistakes and lets unrelated circumstances overwhelm her judgment at times. (Zuko is likewise not a perfect child, but we already knew that, and anyway at age about-two he's entitled to be a bit of a brat.)_


	53. Chapter 53

10th Day, 5th Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

What an exciting day this is! As I write this, Haku is in the fourth hour of her labor throes. By all accounts, it is going well, but I cannot help but have a twinge of concern—after all, Zuko's birth went well _at first_. I had hoped to sit by and talk her through it, but the midwife is very no-nonsense and thought that an untrained person would get in the way, and I was obliged to withdraw.

Since I cannot be at her side, I have made myself useful in other ways. I have taken it upon myself to notify both the Fire Lord and Haku's husband of the occurrence (the latter by messenger hawk, of course), and to make sure there are enough servants available to keep the birthing-room stocked with fresh water and rags and the like. It is keeping me on my feet more than I would like given my own condition, but I wouldn't feel right doing nothing to help. If she returns the favor in a few months, I will consider it well worth it.

Someone is approaching.

…

Pity. I had hoped it was a messenger come to tell me that Haku's baby was out. But it was just Fan, bringing Zuko to me now that he has woken from his nap. He is playing with the decorative pillows on my bed right now, but he seems fidgety. Obviously he knows something big is happening, but so far he hasn't tried to ask me about it. Perhaps he asked Fan earlier.

I shall stop writing for now and see if I can get him to relax.

…

It's done! Haku's baby is here at last: a dear little girl. No one knows yet what she will be called—Haku and her husband did not have a name picked out in advance, and she wants them to decide together…but Lord Hong will not be able to come to the Palace until tomorrow at least. (It has me thinking that I should start discussing names with Ozai, so that our child is not caught nameless if for any reason we are separated when I give birth.)

Haku is very tired, naturally, and we spoke only a little before she asked to be left alone with her new daughter. I am happy to oblige her, for I remember well how little I wished to speak to other people during Zuko's first few days, even once my recovery was well underway. I shall see if she feels like visiting tomorrow.

* * *

_A/N: Bonus points to anyone who correctly guesses what the baby will be called. Additional bonus points to anyone who derives a fairly obvious pun from that based on the date of birth._


	54. Chapter 54

_A/N: First of all, wow! **Everyone** who reviewed the last chapter guessed the identity of Haku's baby correctly, and a few spotted the (painfully obvious) pun. Bonus points all around! Spend them wisely. (And before anyone asks, no, I don't know what that means.)_

11th Day, 5th Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

Lord Hong arrived this afternoon, looking very flustered and almost giddy with excitement. I cannot say that I blame him! He would not even wait to be properly announced, but demanded at once to see Haku and the baby. By all accounts, he stayed in Haku's room for about an hour before emerging, carrying the baby and announcing to anyone who would hear that her name was Mai.

Mai! A delightfully pretty name for a little girl. Learning of it gave me the perfect excuse to seek out my husband and begin discussing with him what _our_ baby should be called. To my surprise he had already given it some thought…but I am a little annoyed by his favorite suggestion. He wants to name the child after his father: Azulon, or Azula if it is a girl. I think the Fire Lord would only see this as an attempt to curry favor—and rightly so, I daresay! Ozai has already as much as admitted to me that he wishes to use this child to demonstrate his own worth to his father. But I could not find the words to express my misgivings at the time, and even had I been able to, there are no particular names for which I do have a strong preference, so I doubt I would have convinced him to reconsider.

I did remind him that it is bad luck to name a child after a living ancestor, but only in jest. We both know that is a silly superstition. If it were true, half the world would be in dire straits from all the sons named for fathers and daughters named for mothers!

I shall stop here, for I intend to see if Haku will accept one more brief visit before I retire.


	55. Chapter 55

13th Day, 5th Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

Haku is back on her feet now, and at her insistence we took lunch in the koi garden "to celebrate Mai's arrival before we have to spoil it with some big fussy ceremonial occasion." If she was hoping to get some fresh air after being cooped up for the past few days, she must have been very disappointed, because the weather has become very muggy. I found myself perspiring embarrassingly much throughout the meal, and between the heat and my condition, I could hardly bear to move. By staying in the shade and keeping myself diverted watching Zuko's antics, I managed to avoid suffering too much, but afterward I was glad to get back indoors, away from the direct sunlight.

I worried at first how Zuko would deal with the baby, inasmuch as he had never seen another before. But she was generally sleepy and did nothing to arouse his interest, for good or ill, except initially when Haku showed her to him. Then, he simply said "Mama, what that?" and I had to explain to him that she was not a "what" but a "who," and that her name was Mai. I tried to further explain that she was a newborn baby, just like him but smaller, but he had already become distracted with something else, so that part shall have to wait until later. Obviously not too much later, however!

Goodness, but I am tired. It is not just the heat; I find myself tiring easily almost every day now. I suppose it's due to me having gotten so heavy. As well, my face is breaking out in spots and my lower back always seems to be aching to a greater or lesser degree…but I least I no longer suffer any nausea!

But back to lunchtime. It being so warm outside, a hot meal was out of the question, so we ate chilled rice balls and fresh fruit and vegetables. Zuko threw as much food into the koi pond as he ate himself, and squealed with delight as the fish surfaced to grab the morsels. "Fishy eat that!" he told me over and over, until I had to tell him to be quiet lest he wake Mai. So instead of shouting, he leaned over and dipped his own head in the pond!

The rest of us laughed so hard that we nearly woke the baby after all. Lord Hong evinced a bit of nervous alarm, however, and asked "Do all children do things like that?"

"Most do, Your Lordship," Fan offered. "Especially at that age, when they're just discovering that they _can_ do things…and more importantly, that they can make _other_ things do things do. His Little Highness has found that he can make the koi eat, and he can make us laugh. That's a very big deal to him. Be fairly warned, my lady," she addressed me, "he's going to be particularly rambunctious for some time. Tantrums and all."

"Oh, dear," I said.

"He'll learn to behave himself," said my husband coolly.

By this point, Zuko had stopped soaking his head and was coming back toward us, dripping without a care. "Mama! Papa!" he called eagerly. "Lookit all wet!"

"I know, darling," I replied. "I'm just glad you're wearing cotton today."

"Shall I take him inside to clean up, my lady?" asked Fan.

"I shouldn't think it would be necessary," I said. "He'll dry quickly enough in this heat."

Zuko then decided it was time to play the what's-it-called game, and unfortunately for me, the warm weather had any number of horrible creeping insects out and about for him to pick up and bring to me. Eventually, of course, he bothered a mantis-beetle and got a pretty hard pinch on his finger, and after having a little cry about it, he decided it would be in his best interests to give up bug-hunting for the time being and sit with me for the rest of the luncheon.

There was one other thing that struck me today, something about Haku. She was very quiet throughout the meal, but not in the simpering manner I have grown used to her displaying when there are men present. It was more of a profound contentment that left her with no _need_ to speak. She has always struck me as being very self-possessed, but sitting there, with little Mai in her arms, she seemed so utterly secure in her person—even _powerful_—that it was almost awe-inspiring.

It must be motherhood that has changed her so, and I am forced to wonder: did I undergo such an alteration after bearing Zuko? Changes in one's character are so difficult to perceive from the inside. I am forced to wonder also: will the same thing happen again when this one is born? And if I have more children yet, what then? Might I continue to become a greater and greater being with every birth? I picture myself as a grand spirit, a goddess of fertility, as tall as the Palace, dressed only in a sheer veil, surrounded by dozens and dozens of children of various ages, and all of them mine…it is only an idle fancy, but what a compelling image!

* * *

_A/N: I may be guilty here of over-romanticizing motherhood. I have mixed feelings on the subject. On the one hand, giving birth is a pretty awesome and difficult process, and a certain amount of reverence for people who go through it is appropriate. On the other hand, motherhood is just one of the many aspects of being a woman, and placing too much emphasis on it is rather unfair to those of us who do not now and might well never have kids._

_Okay. Soapbox time over._


	56. Chapter 56

22nd Day, 6th Moon, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

I have decided to retire a little earlier than normal this evening, and I feel somewhat guilty about it. Zuko's birthday celebration was pleasing—_is_ pleasing, I should say, as it is still going on—but I have been so ridiculously maudlin all day that I felt I had to leave before I embarrassed myself. I suppose it is all due to what they call "mother's sentimentality" and I doubt anyone would hold it against me, but the thought of having all the city's nobility bear witness to my lack of composure is a bit too much for me to bear.

I cannot say the mood swings came upon me without warning, however. When we brought Zuko into the festival hall, his eyes lit up at the sight of all the decorations and he clapped his hands and said "Pretty, pretty!"…and rather than laughing as I normally would, I nearly burst into tears. Fortunately, none of the guests had arrived yet. I came close to breaking down again during the presentation of gifts, so close that I excused myself from the hall for a moment to bring my emotions under control. In my haste to get out of view, I moved a little too quickly, and as I was leaning against the wall to catch my breath, my husband approached me.

"Ursa, whatever is the matter?" he asked me, taking my hands in his. "Are you ill?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that," I said. "Nothing at all, in fact; isn't that silly? My emotions are just so chaotic today…"

"You've caused quite a stir, fleeing so suddenly," he informed me with a gentle smile. "Come back with me. We'll tell them you needed some air."

"Of course, but please give me a moment," I said. At that point, the baby kicked me in the lungs, forcing me to gasp rather sharply.

Naturally, Ozai overreacted. "Ursa! What is it?"

"Kicked," I managed to get out.

"I see. Then you really do need some air, don't you?" To my surprise, he stooped slightly and tapped my abdomen with his knuckles. "You in there, stop beating on your mother."

It is very rare for my husband to be humorous in any way, and the element of surprise made his joke all the funnier. I found myself giggling quite madly.

"Spirits, Ursa, 'chaotic' is an understatement," he said.

"Maybe so," I agreed, regaining control of myself. "Let's go back in now. I think I'll be all right."

Of course our return drew a certain amount of attention from the guests, but my husband put that right by demanding to know what they were all staring at. Zuko called out loud "Hi, Mama! Hi, Papa! Lookit!" and held up some of his presents. Seeing him so happy made me feel joyful and tearful all at once, and nearly undid my calm once again. And after a point, I decided it would be best for me to withdraw and get some rest. So here I am, ending my day.

Now that Zuko has turned two, I really must begin schooling him in proper etiquette. He is still not quite old enough for formal education, but there is a lot I can teach him by example and playing games. I still remember the silly rhyme Mother made up to help me learn the zodiac when I was small: _First comes little Rat, scampering on his paws; then great horned Ox, and Tiger with her claws…_ If I can be half as creative, I'll be pleased with myself!


	57. Chapter 57

30th Day, 8th Month, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

It has happened. I am now a mother of two. My daughter, named Azula in accordance with my husband's wishes, was born yesterday at dawn, and I spent the entire day, and this, sleeping, recovering, and receiving congratulating visitors. Actually, I have had Su-Lin bring my diary so that I may write without leaving my bed, for I am not yet ready to get up.

It must have been just after midnight when my labor pangs began, rousing me from sleep. It took me a few moments to realize what was happening and call for aid, but fortunately Su-Lin had been sleepless and came at once to assist me in walking to the birthing-room.

I was attended by two midwives this time—at my husband's insistence, no doubt. He was furious when they refused him entry into the room; I heard him bellowing in the antechamber. It seemed funny at the time, a welcome distraction from the pain, which, while nothing like the agony I experienced while birthing Zuko, was sharp and dull by turns, and all the more unpleasant for the inconsistency. But I later came to feel quite sorry for Ozai, who must have been half-mad with worry, shut away from me while I underwent again what nearly killed me once, and given only secondhand assurance that I was doing well, denied the evidence of his own eyes.

Still, he hadn't too much time to fret. As childbirth goes, it did not last so long, between six and seven hours. As I was told later, Azula drew her first breath in the very moment of sunrise—a lucky omen indeed! Moreover, though she is noticeably smaller than Zuko was at birth, she is perfect in health and vigor. There was some concern about that at first because she hardly cried at all, but she proved to be merely sleepy rather than sickly.

Of course, I already love her completely. Any doubts I had as to whether I could fit total love for two children within my heart have vanished. Judging by the extraordinary lightness in my chest, the solution was simply for my heart to make room by growing larger.

As for my health, I still feel somewhat under the weather and, as I mentioned, not really up to the task of walking. I must keep reminding myself that although Azula is my second child, she is the first I bore the normal way, and in some respects, the toll on my body has been as though she were the firstborn. To be lurid about it, I feel rather as though some giant ogre tried to pull me asunder at the legs! But my strength is returning apace, and I feel I will be able to venture out of bed come the morning.

In fact, I feel a profound sense of contentment. I had slightly wished for a girl, and having gotten my wish, I have a sense that my immediate family is complete, with my husband and myself and one child of each sex. No doubt Ozai will eventually want more children—and I may eventually want more myself—but for now, we are like the four pillars of a temple. More would just be unnecessary and crowding.

On the other hand, perhaps even my husband will be satisfied with two. After the baby had been bathed and returned to me, he was finally permitted to see us. His relief at seeing me well was almost a palpable thing.

"Here she is, my lord husband," I said rather stupidly. "Do you still wish to call her Azula?"

"Yes," he said simply, hardly looking at her. "Yes, that will do nicely."

I was taken aback. "Are you disappointed because she is a girl? Would you have preferred another son?"

"What?" he said, seeming to awaken from a state of near-trance. "No, of course not. Why should that concern me? If anything, it's about time there was a girl born in this family." He carefully stroked Azula's cheek with one finger. "Azula it is, then. She'll be magnificent. Well done, lady wife." He bent to kiss my forehead lightly.

Some time later, after I had been moved, with Azula, back to my own bed, a servant came to inform me that Zuko had awakened and was asking for me. I asked my husband if he might go and fetch him, and to my moderate surprise, he agreed. After several minutes, he returned with our son in tow. I do not know what Ozai had told him, but he was so excited that he had to be forcibly restrained from running to me, and cautioned not to shout. He toddled up to my bedside and made a token attempt to climb up.

"Careful, darling," I said.

"Papa, up, wanna see! Up, wanna see!" he begged. So my husband lifted him until he was on a level with Azula and me. "Mama, who that?" he asked, pointing.

"This is your new baby sister, Azula," I explained. "Say, 'Hello, Azula.'"

Zuko leaned as close as he could and repeated with unusual clarity, "Hello, Zula!" She half-woke at that and crinkled her face as though about to cry, then settled down again.

"'Zula baby like Mai," Zuko observed.

I started to say "That's exactly right," but found myself yawning instead.

"Come, Zuko," said my husband, lowering him to the floor again and taking his hand. "Your mother needs her rest."

That is all I remember from that incident, for I was already falling asleep. And with that bringing me back where I started, I shall end this entry and retire for the night.


	58. Chapter 58

3rd Day, 9th Month, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

Iroh's hawk returned today. His letter is every bit as gushy as I expected: he congratulates my husband and me, he cannot wait to meet his adorable niece, he will come home as soon as he can with presents for everyone, he hopes we are all well, and so forth. He attached two small pieces of some kind of honey candy to the letter, supposedly one for each of my children—apparently forgetting that a newborn can have nothing but milk. I gave one to Zuko and, I am almost ashamed to confess, ate the other myself.

I am already noticing differences in temperament and mannerisms between Azula and Zuko. She does not cry as often as he did, and half the time it is I who must remember to feed her, rather than her reminding me. Also, she sucks a great deal harder when nursing than Zuko did. Fortunately, she is more easily persuaded to switch sides, but even so, my nipples are becoming quite chapped. I am hoping to find a balm or lotion that will not harm her if she swallows it.

I'm afraid that Zuko is becoming jealous of her. I have tried to explain to him that Azula being his sister means that I am her Mama too and he must learn to share me, but I'm not sure he understands. He does not display any overt hostility to her, but he has developed a habit of demanding to sit on my lap as soon as I begin nursing her, and whining in the most irritating tone when I refuse. I find that it is best if I simply ignore him and let him paw at my skirts all he likes. It usually is not long before something else catches his interest.

Apart from that, he does not seem to bear her any ill will. Today I caught him climbing up the side of the crib to look at her while she was asleep. When I asked what he was doing, he merely said, "Baby Zula sleeping." (I have had no luck in getting him to pronounce her name properly; perhaps it is beyond his abilities so far.) Haku tells me that he has done the same thing with Mai once or twice, and surmises that he must be very curious about the only people in the Palace who are smaller than he.

Haku and I are nearly always together during daylight hours. We were pregnant together, and now we have newborns together, and thus our routines and daily concerns are much the same. We have discovered that nothing upsets a small baby more quickly than the agitation of another small baby, so that if one of the girls is unhappy, the other is certain to follow within a matter of seconds. Azula does not cry so much, as I mentioned, but she _frets_, and Mai is old enough to pick up on it. The long and the short of it is that if Haku and I spend any length of time together, our daughters' synchronization of needs is likely to keep us together for the rest of the day. Su-Lin tells me that the serving women are beginning to call us "the twin mothers," and I don't know whether to be embarrassed or amused! I suppose we must make for an imposing sight: two noble ladies with babies, strolling through the halls almost in lockstep, like a yin-and-yang spirit from a folktale.

Imposing or not, at least we are not frightening my husband away. Since Azula's birth, he has not gone a day without coming to my chambers in the evening to visit with us. Tonight he even held her for a few moments. It is most surprising, given how distant he was when Zuko was newborn…but perhaps it should not be surprising. Azula is the second child he more-or-less demanded to have, and she was born easily and in a fortunate hour. No doubt he sees her as someone to be treasured. Of course, I feel the same way about her, though probably for different reasons!

* * *

_A/N: The yin-and-yang spirit is something I made up to sound like Far Eastern folklore. It looks like two spirits, identical except that one is light and one dark, but it's really one spirit with two bodies, acting in tandem._


	59. Chapter 59

11th Day, 10th Month, Year of the Serpent(Azulon 66)

It seems it will be a harsh winter this year. Today, the city has been subject to a bitter, frigid eastern wind of the type that the elderly sometimes call "the ghosts of the Air Nomads." Despite all our best efforts, the Palace has been drafty, and each gust rattles the screens and makes a horrible howling noise in the narrower corridors.

The children are all very disturbed by it. Mai has spent more time crying than not today, and Azula has been whimpering. I wish I had thought to order her winter clothes before now; it did not occur to me that a sudden cold snap might catch us unprepared. Needless to say, I put in the order for a quilted tunic today—it should be ready by tomorrow afternoon, and in the meantime I can keep her warm by holding her close to me.

Zuko, with childish logic, has somehow gotten the idea that the wind is Azula's doing. While we were sitting in the solarium after lunch, he began to say "Zula, stop it!" every time another gale sounded. After a few instances of this, I tried to set him straight.

"Darling, Azula isn't doing a thing. She's asleep."

"No, Mommy!" Zuko insisted. "Zula's too loud!"

"It's not Azula," I explained. "It's the wind." I don't think I convinced him, however, as he continued pouting and glaring at the baby. My son can be so stubborn!

"Be kind, Ursa," said Haku, chuckling. "As far as he remembers, we never had weather like this before she came along."

I had to agree that she was probably right, and after that the conversation turned toward more routine things.

As soon as I have finished writing, I shall check Zuko to make sure he is sleeping well. The extra warming pans I ordered for his bed should keep the chill out, but the noise may still upset him and interrupt his rest. I do hope this dreadful weather will not last long.

* * *

_A/N: You may have noticed that Zuko has graduated from "Mama" to "Mommy" and started using complete sentences. Ursa doesn't know it, but what he's doing is trying to impress her so she'll stop paying so much attention to the new baby and love _him_ best again. Someone should tell him that what you're _supposed_ to do is pretend to _be_ a baby so Mommy gets that you're the one who needs her, and not that weird thing that can't even talk._

_He _has_ figured out, however, that everything bad that happens after Little Sibling is born is _obviously_ Little Sibling's fault._


	60. Chapter 60

_A/N: For those of you who didn't get the memo, Season 3—which will be, I can testify, AWESOME—will begin airing on September 21st. Mark your calendars!_

* * *

A hawk from Iroh arrived today. He says his current campaign has drawn to a successful close and he will come home for the New Year if he can. Apparently, the cold weather we are having at home is only a trifle compared to what is going on in the Earth Kingdom—periodic snowstorms so severe that they have a special name. I have always been curious about what snow is like, but Iroh's descriptions of these "blizzards" make me glad to live here! They have already lost several rhinos to the chill, and teams of firebenders must stay on duty all day and all night to prevent the whole camp from being buried in the snow. Naturally, travel is quite impossible under these conditions, and will remain very difficult even after the storms die down, and this is the cause of Iroh's uncertainty.

I hope very much that he does make it in time for the New Year, however. Part of it, I must admit, is selfish pride: I want to show off Azula to him, and maybe poke a little fun over the fact that I have a daughter and he does not, and I can't think of a better occasion for it than the festive New Year. But beyond that, it is going on another year since I last saw my brother-in-law, and I miss his jovial wit.

Zuko was a bit of a pain today. Something had him feeling cranky—he wouldn't, or wasn't able to, say what—and no matter how gently I tried to speak to him, it always seemed to set him off in a whining fit. At one point, it escalated into an outright tantrum, and I sent him to his room to lie still on his bed until he calmed down. Even though he had already had his nap, he ended up falling asleep, which makes me think he was simply tired, and has me wondering whether his room is getting too cold at night after all. I hope not, for I am not sure what can be done about it if it is, short of following Iroh's example and stationing a firebender inside to warm things up every so often!

Of course, I may be jumping to conclusions. _If_ Zuko's irritability today was due to tiredness, the cause might have been any of a number of things. Perhaps he was just having a day of childish petulance. If poor sleep was in fact to blame, that too has several possible causes. I shall have to see how he feels tomorrow.

* * *

_A/N: Per the _Avatar_ panel at San-Diego Comic-Con, the Fire Nation is in fact quite tropical. I've been portraying it with a climate similar to my native Southern California, which is somewhere between sub-tropical and the warm side of temperate. I'll probably continue to do so, both in order to be consistent and because I like using the changing of the seasons as a marker for the passage of time, but I am aware of the discrepancy. If you like, you can imagine that the "frigid" weather Ursa is complaining about is actually nighttime lows of 55 degrees Fahrenheit—"cold" only by equatorial standards._


	61. Chapter 61

Excerpts Part 3

8th Day, 12th Month, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

It is nearly dawn. I am in the Palace infirmary, where I have sat up all night with Zuko. His firebending ability has manifested itself at last—and in spectacular fashion!

I had been lying in bed after giving Azula her evening feeding, reading a book of poetry and debating whether to retire properly, when I gradually became aware of shouts and alarms in the corridors outside my chambers. I got up to investigate, but before I had gone many steps, a sudden terror gripped me, and I broke into a run.

An armed man met me at the door. "Please stay with me, Your Highness," he said. "You mustn't panic. His Highness your husband has been sent for."

"What is it?" I demanded, my ill-defined fear making my voice shrill and ragged. "What is going on?" But part of me already knew, and glancing up the hallway, I found my dread confirmed—there was a fire in Zuko's suite!

I ran as near as I dared. Smoke and a terrible heat were pouring out of his doorway, and I could hear him screaming for me. There were other guards present, keeping at a safe distance, and I made to run in and save my son, only to have one of the men hold me back, saying, "No, Your Highness! It is far too dangerous!" He would not release me no matter how I fought, and thus I was forced to stand there, powerless to aid him, and I daresay Hell itself can threaten no greater agony than the suffocating horror I felt, hearing my child's wails as the heat and light grew. I was coming close to outright hysteria before a firebender arrived to quell the flames and rescue Zuko.

I'm afraid I did not comport myself with much dignity at that point. I snatched my child from his rescuer at once and half collapsed, right there in the hallway, holding him more tightly than I ever have before, even when I woke after his birth. He was crying, and I could not help weeping myself, and kissing him over and over. After a few moments, one of the guards spoke gently:

"Your Highness, he should be taken to the infirmary."

"Oh," I said rather stupidly. "Of course." I got to my feet, clumsily as I would not relinquish my grip on Zuko, and we set off. My husband arrived after us.

By the blessing of Agni and all the good spirits, Zuko has suffered only a few minor burns to his legs, which have been salved and lightly bandaged, and a little irritation to his eyes and throat from the smoke. The man who rescued him said that he had hidden under his blankets and so was spared from breathing in harmful fumes. He is sleeping now, coughing occasionally, but he seems in no distress. He awakened once in a fright, but I soothed him back to sleep with no trouble.

There is little doubt but that he started the fire himself by accidentally firebending in his sleep, perhaps as an instinctive reaction to the cold. It is not uncommon for the talent to be discovered in this way, though usually it does not pose such a danger since the flames thus produced are weak and brief. It seems Zuko had the ill fortune to knock over a lamp, igniting the oil which then spread across the floor.

Ozai is overjoyed at this turn of events. That Zuko might have _died_ seems not to have crossed his mind; he sees only that his son is a manifested firebender, and wishes to have his training begin immediately. I think he is probably too young to grasp ordered lessons or understand the concept of voluntarily undergoing hardship in order to grow stronger, but there may be no alternative. The danger he has posed to himself this past night is proof enough that his gift must be brought under control as quickly as possible. We will take him to Master Zhi as soon as he is recovered enough from this ordeal.

It is getting light outside; I had best leave off for now, at least long enough to feed Azula and order some breakfast for Zuko and myself.

* * *

_A/N: I bet you thought I wasn't going anywhere with the whole "cold weather" gig. :P_


	62. Chapter 62

9th Day, 12th Month, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

The burns on Zuko's legs are mending quickly. He came to me earlier complaining, "It hurts, Mommy," and when I unwrapped the bandages to put more salve on them, I saw that they were already noticeably faded. I think they will heal cleanly, and I mean to give the infirmary staff a commendation for their prompt, competent treatment. As for the firebender who rescued Zuko, as far as I am concerned he deserves nothing short of a medal!

The accounting of the damage to Zuko's room was completed today, and it was actually less than I feared. Most of his furniture is salvageable, although there is a great deal of surface scorching that will need to be sanded off and re-varnished. His bedding, however, is a total loss, so he will have to continue sleeping with me until new sheets and blankets can be made. Unfortunately, nearly all of the draperies I made from his First Moon silk burned, though I think I can save enough to make some decorative pillows. He lost a few toys also, and several others need patching to cover where they were singed. Apart from that, however, it is mostly a matter of airing the place out and washing away soot.

Zuko is still a little shy of open flames, but he seems to understand that what happened to him means that he is a firebender "like Daddy," and he likes that idea very much! After I put the salve on his legs, he sat very still and stared at my candles, and finally he said, "It's little."

"What's little, darling?" I asked.

"The fire," he said, pointing.

"Well, yes," I said. "Some fires are little. A little one can't hurt you if you're careful. And very soon, you'll start taking firebending lessons from Master Zhi so the big ones won't hurt you either."

He smiled and said, "Okay, Mommy," to let me know he understood, and then slid down off my bed and returned to whatever unfathomable play he had been involved in before the burns started paining him.

Given another day or two, I expect the redness will have faded entirely, and then his lessons can begin. I hope he does not find Master Zhi too intimidating; the few times I have met the man, he has always struck me as very stern and exacting. But he is renowned for his patience in dealing with young students and his ability to draw out their talents. And I like to think that Lu Ten will help Zuko and practice with him. I shall have to speak to him about that tomorrow.


	63. Chapter 63

10th Day, 12th Month, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

What a pity—it seems Iroh will not be joining us for the New Year after all. I found this out from Lu Ten, who received the unfortunate news by hawk this morning. I had gone to speak with him about Zuko's firebending training, only to have his valet tell me, "My prince does not wish to be disturbed."

I was not able to stifle my curiosity. "Why? Is he all right?"

"It is not for me to say, Your Highness," was the rather stiff reply, but then came Lu Ten's distant, tired-sounding voice, telling the valet to admit me. (He seemed slightly indignant about the inconsistency, but what could he do? It was a direct order.) I went in and found Lu Ten on his balcony, crouching atop the railing and staring out over the city. I suppose I really am a mother now, for my first instinct was to tell him to get down before he fell and broke his neck. But I held back, and waited for him to speak first.

"Hi, Aunt Ursa," he said forlornly, not turning to look at me.

"You sound troubled, Lu Ten," I said. "Is this a bad time?"

"Dad's not coming for the New Year," he sighed.

"Oh, Lu Ten, you must be so disappointed,"I said. "Did he say why?"

Lu Ten turned around and shifted into a sitting position, letting his legs dangle. "He's stuck in a valley 'cause the pass is all full of snow. If the firebenders try to melt through, they'll wind up causing a flood. So they have to wait for spring."

"Well, I'm sure he'll come home just as soon as he is able," I said, trying to sound reassuring. I don't think I was very convincing, however, as I was nearly as disappointed as Lu Ten.

"I wish there was some way he could be here more often," said Lu Ten. "Like if Grandfather called off the war, just for a year or so. Then all the soldiers could see their families. But I don't think he'd like that idea very much. Master Zhi always says, 'To be victorious in combat, a warrior must be absolutely relentless.'"

We fell silent for a moment before I took the opportunity to bring up my original reason for visiting him. "It's funny that you should mention Master Zhi; in a way, it's about him that I've come to speak to you."

"Oh, yeah!" said Lu Ten, brightening somewhat. "Zuko's a firebender now, isn't he? He's going to start taking lessons soon."

"Yes," I confirmed. "I wanted to know if you would be willing to help tutor Zuko if he has any difficulties. You know how shy he is with strangers, and Master Zhi isn't exactly soft with his students."

"He's okay," Lu Ten said absently. "I mean, of course I'll help with Zuko's training! It's going to be great not being the only firebending student in the family."

"I'm sure your father would tell you that every firebender is a lifelong student," I pointed out.

"Yeah, he probably would. But it's not the same, you know?"

"Yes, I know. Thank you for agreeing to do this for me, Lu Ten."

"You're welcome. Say, where is Zuko, anyway? Napping?"

"Yes—actually, he'll probably be waking up soon. Will you come with me? We can tell him together that you'll be helping him with his firebending."

Lu Ten hesitated for a moment, then hopped down off the balcony railing. "Sure. I can show him what I've been learning so he'll know what to expect."

When we arrived at Zuko's suite, he was already awake. He greeted Lu Ten and me cheerily, and we told him what we had been discussing. I don't know how much of it he understood, but he was very happy to spend some time with his big cousin! It was good for Lu Ten, as well—he forgot all about being glum.

I think tomorrow I will contact Master Zhi and make an appointment for Zuko's first lesson. I should also write to Iroh, and pray the hawk makes it through to the snow-covered valley where he and his men are caught.

* * *

_A/N: Something of a filler chapter, I know, but I hadn't done anything with Lu Ten in a while and I figured he was due._


	64. Chapter 64

12th Day, 12th Month, Year of the Serpent (Azulon 66)

I discovered something surprising this morning, while I was preparing Zuko for the interview with Master Zhi. I had knelt so that I would be at his level while I reminded him of the right way to bow and how to speak to his honored teacher, and I suddenly noticed that his eyes are much lighter than I remember them—closer to a true gold than to the amber-hazel that they used to be, and which is typical of the family. I am left wondering whether this is a new development in the wake of the emergence of his firebending talent, as is known to happen, or whether they have been changing gradually. Either way, I feel a bit unobservant for realizing only today that it was so.

But on to the interview itself. My husband and I both escorted Zuko to the training hall, and I took Azula along as well. We arrived shortly before the end of Lu Ten's lesson, which enabled me to point and say, "See what cousin Lu Ten is doing, Zuko? That man there, Master Zhi, is going to teach you how to do those things as well."

"Therefore, you are to respect him and do as he says," Ozai added a bit more harshly than I would have preferred. But as the lesson was just ending, there was no chance for me to protest. Lu Ten was running toward us, in high spirits.

"Hello, Uncle Ozai and Aunt Ursa!" he said with a bow. "May I please stay to watch?"

"I certainly don't mind," I said at once. My husband paused a moment before replying, "As it pleases you."

"Good day, Your Highnesses," said Master Zhi from the arena. "I will speak with your son now."

We moved as a group to the arena's entrance, but Master Zhi stopped me. "Forgive me, Princess, but I make it a policy not to permit non-benders in the arena while I am teaching. You and your daughter will have to remain on the sidelines."

In retrospect, of course, I can see the sense of such a policy. Had Zuko lost control of his bending, I would not have been able to defend myself or Azula. But at the time, I felt ever so slightly put off, and had to restrain my disappointment.

Zuko did remember to bow, and stumbled only a little. He was shy at first about answering Master Zhi's questions, but with a little prompting from Ozai and from me, he opened up. I think Master Zhi possesses a small streak of showmanship, for he spoke in very grand tones of the majesty of fire and those who are blessed with the gift of bending it. I think Zuko was a little overawed, and possibly bewildered by the elevated language…on the other hand, it speaks well of Master Zhi that he does not talk down to his pupils, even toddlers.

For now, it seems Zuko's lessons will consist of basic stances, breathing exercises, and meditations to bring his talent under control so that he does not accidentally set his bed on fire anymore. He cannot yet make a flame at will…but Lu Ten has promised to practice with him and help him understand how it is to be done.

All in all, I am satisfied with the turn our lives have taken of late. The New Year will seem a great deal less cheerful without Iroh around, but it gives us all something more to look forward to come spring.

END OF PART TWO

* * *

_A/N: Sorry about the long delay between chapters here. I actually took a break from writing this 'fic so that I could finish the latest chapter of "Crowns of the Kingdom." It's also hard to focus on _Avatar_ fanfiction when I'm getting all geared up about the Season 3 premiere (T minus 10 days and counting!). Hopefully the next one will come to me more quickly; I already have a rough idea of the events that will kick off Part Three._


	65. Chapter 65

25th Day, 1st Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

I think Azula's first teeth are coming in, for she has been fussy about nursing today, much as Zuko was when he started teething. Every time I have tried to open her mouth to look, however, she has whimpered and flailed. First thing tomorrow, I will look for Zuko's old teething chew and, if I cannot find it, have Su-Lin make another.

Speaking of Zuko, he tried his hand at ink drawing for the first time today. Haku had the idea for each of us to make a set of pictures of flowers, to cheer up the walls while we wait for spring to arrive. We set up easels in her sitting room, put both the babies in Mai's playpen, and got to work. I did cherry blossoms, while Haku did magnolias. While we were working, Zuko came in and asked what I was doing.

"I'm drawing some pretty flowers," I explained. Naturally, he wanted to try. So I gave him some of my scrap paper and an old brush and mixed him some ink, and let him have at it.

After a few minutes, he said "Look at _my_ picture, Mommy!" and held up his creation. It was a scribbled mess, of course, but I pretended it was as good as anything to come out of the Academy of Fine Arts.

"Yes, but what is it, Your Highness?" asked Haku.

"Um…flowers!" Zuko replied. I am sure he said so only because we were drawing flowers; I doubt very much that he had anything particular in mind for that first doodle. But he certainly had something in mind for the second one, for he asked for some red ink, which I gave him. He spent several more minutes on this than on the "flowers," and finally he held it up and said, "Look, Mommy! I drawded you!"

Well! That charmed me so that not only did I praise his efforts, but I kept the drawing. I have it on the desk even as I write. If I didn't already know it was meant to be me, I never would have guessed that it was a human figure at all…but knowing, I can see a little sense in the composition. He seems to have tried to depict me standing at the easel; there is an arrangement of black lines to one side that could easily be the tripod. Most of the rest of it is a swath of red that I suppose is my gown, with some more black near the top that could well be my hair.

Perhaps I am being silly to feel so flattered. I think most young children would find their mothers to be worthy subjects for art. (The first thing I remember trying to paint, when I was four or so, was the comb Mother always wore to the Spring Festival in those days.) But in any case, Haku found the portrait both charming and amusing, and remarked, "I wish Mai were big enough to hold a brush so that I could be equally honored."

Mai, hearing her name, looked up and babbled. Zuko responded to this by putting his finger to his lips (getting ink on his face in the process) and saying, very slowly and with careful enunciation, "No, no, Mai—_ssshhhhhh_." Haku and I found this uproariously funny for no reason that I can identify. I cannot even figure out why Zuko thought he should shush Mai; I only know that he was not trying to be funny, because it embarrassed him that we laughed, and he hid his face in his hands and spread more ink around. At that point, I judged it best to take a break and get him washed up.

I'm afraid I didn't get much more work done on my cherry blossoms after that, because Mai got a bit too grabby with Azula and pulled her hair, and Azula started screaming. Haku and I had to spend several minutes scolding or soothing our respective daughters, and by the time Azula had quieted down again, the artistic inspiration had left me. Nonetheless, I have three drawings that I like well enough to have mounted in scroll frames for hanging. It is something else to add to my agenda for tomorrow.

I should wake Azula once more before I go to bed and see if she will nurse so that she does not go hungry overnight.

* * *

_A/N: Azula is getting her first teeth quite a bit younger than Zuko did. Her precocity is not limited to firebending._


	66. Chapter 66

Excerpts Part 4

17th Day 2nd Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

The children had their first real clash today. Now that Azula can sit up, I thought it would be nice to let them play together while I got some embroidery done. I put Azula's crib blanket down on the floor and let Zuko pick out a few toys to share, and got to work. After a few minutes, I heard some little noises of distress from both of them, and then Zuko shouted "No, 'Zula!" and just as I looked up, he reached over and _slapped_ her!

I'm not sure whether it was Azula or I who was more furious. I gave Zuko a smack on the bottom at once and ordered him to stay put while I picked up Azula and calmed her down. Once she stopped howling, I set her inside her playpen, sat down on my bed, and called Zuko over.

"Zuko," I said, keeping my voice level, "why did you hit your sister?"

He was holding one of his soft toys, and he mumbled something into the cloth. I told him to repeat it so I could hear, and he said, quite tearfully, "It's 'Zula's fault. She tried to take Moogie. Moogie's mine!"

"I told you to share your toys with Azula today," I said firmly. "If you didn't want her to play with Moogie, you should have left him in your room."

"'Zula won't share either," he said, pouting.

"Azula doesn't know any better. She's too little to understand what 'share' means. But _you_ know better, don't you, Zuko? You know better than to hit someone just because you're frustrated." At that point, I slid off my bed and knelt so that I could look Zuko in the eyes. "It's very important that you listen to me right now. You must never, _ever_ hit your sister or try to hurt her in any way. In fact, part of your job as her big brother is to protect her if anyone else wants to hurt her. Do you understand?"

He nodded.

"And another part of your job, Zuko, is to be a good example to her. She doesn't know how to be polite and say 'please' and 'thank you' yet, but you do, and you can help teach her. The more you treat her gently and with good manners, the faster she will learn to do the same. Do you understand that?"

Again, he nodded.

"Very good," I said, pulling him close. "Now you go tell Azula you're sorry for hitting her, and that you won't do it again."

I stayed where I was while he approached the playpen and said, "Sorry, 'Zula. I won't hit you again, okay?" Azula, for her part, didn't even appear to remember that the incident had happened, but I suppose young babies don't have a very long memory.

After everything was settled, I had Zuko put on his jacket and we went for a walk in the koi pond garden, to clear our heads and get back to cheerful thoughts. I know this will not be the end of my children's rivalry, which will only get worse once Azula is big enough to fight back…but I hope I have set the right sort of precedent.

_A/N: Honestly, "Moogie?" I don't know where kids come up with these names for their toys._

_In all seriousness, I quite like this chapter and have been planning it for some time (which is how I got it up so quickly). I wanted to show that the sibling dynamic can't always have been a case of nasty little Azula picking on her brother—since Zuko is older, there must have been a time when he had the upper hand and instigated the fights._

_On another note, Ursa's lesson to him casts the Season 2 finale in a new light, doesn't it? From the perspective of an elder brother protecting his sister, as his mother might have told him to do when he was small, his actions were perfectly honorable. _


	67. Chapter 67

11th Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

My penmanship is suffering slightly this evening on account of the fact that my hands are still shaking from the excitement. As I hardly know where I begin, I suppose the best course is to treat this as a narrative and start with this morning, when I took the children into the solarium for breakfast and found that not only was my husband already present, but so was Iroh!

"And here they are!" he said, beaming. "Surprise!"

For a moment that I'm sure seemed longer than it actually was, I was stunned into silence. When I found my voice, all I could say was, "But…how? When?"

"When did I get back, you mean?" said Iroh. "Very late last night, while everyone was asleep. I left a note for you; didn't you see it?"

"I must have missed it," I confessed. "But I didn't even know you were on your way! Oh, this is wonderful! We've all missed you so much! Zuko, go say hello to Uncle."

Zuko dutifully ran forward, saying "Hi, Uncle!"

"No!" said Iroh in mock disbelief. "This isn't really _Zuko_, is it? Zuko's a tiny little fellow who can barely talk! Are you sure you're not some other noble's son, here for a visit?"

"I _am_ Zuko!" my son insisted. "I got bigger!"

"I can see that," Iroh chuckled, ruffling Zuko's hair. "You'll be a man before we know it." He then turned to Azula and me. "And _this_ must be my niece. She's already as beautiful as her mother. Ursa, let me take her off your hands so you can get yourself something to eat."

"Of course, but just for a few minutes," I said, handing her over. "She needs to eat also. It's all right, Azula, this is your Uncle Iroh. Be good now." I took a seat next to Ozai and called Zuko over.

Almost the first thing Iroh did with Azula was whirl her around in a circle, which she loved, to judge by her smile. But my husband was not amused. "Brother, be careful with her," he said sharply.

"I'm not going to drop her," said Iroh. "How could I possibly drop such a little cutie?" He started making ridiculous faces and noises at her, then made as if to tickle her chin. I tried to warn him, but it happened too quickly—she grasped his finger and bit it, as swiftly as a spider-snake.

Iroh made quite a loud yell of pain and yanked his hand away, and for an instant I was afraid he would drop Azula after all…but his grip was sure. "Uh-oh, Mommy, 'Zula bit Uncle!" said Zuko.

"I can see that," I said. "Sit still, Zuko." I got up to take my daughter back from her "victim."

"Ozai," said Iroh, shaking his hand, "I think you should have told _her_ to be careful with _me._"

"Iroh, I'm so sorry," I said. "I should have warned you—she's developed this biting habit since her teeth started coming in. She didn't break the skin, did she?"

"No, no," he chuckled. "I should hope my hide is tougher than that. But Great Agni, Ursa, why do your children always try to _hurt_ me when they first meet me?"

"Perhaps this is their way of playing politics," said my husband with a wry smile.

"Well, they're not very subtle about it, are they?" said Iroh. "Now, you listen to me, Azula. If you're going to go around biting people, we'll have to send you to the North Pole to live with the other barbarians." Azula only giggled and babbled.

"And for some reason, she finds it funny when other people are distressed," I sighed.

"Most young children do," said Iroh, returning to his seat. "And why shouldn't they? Distressed people flail around and make strange noises. That's quality comedy."

At about this time there was an approaching disturbance in the corridor, and before I could guess at what was happening, Lu Ten burst into the solarium, shrieking at the top of his lungs: "_Dad-Dad-Dad-Dad-Dad-Dad!!!_" As soon as he saw his father, he flung himself at him, very nearly bowling the man over. "I missed you_ so much_, Dad! How long are you staying this time? Please say a long time!"

"I've missed you too, son," said Iroh, laughing with pure joy. "You have no idea. I thought about you every day. As for how long I'm staying—now that everyone's here, I can tell you what my plans are." He settled back into his seat. "I'm hoping to be home for a year this time."

"A _whole_ year?" Lu Ten grinned. "That's great!"

"You're mad," said Ozai. "Father will never approve."

"You may be right," said Iroh, "but I intend to make the attempt all the same. I have already put in a request for an audience with him this afternoon. Actually, I would appreciate it if all of you would attend. I think it would make my argument more…convincing."

"Of course," I said at once. "We would be glad to."

"I can't," my husband said bluntly. "My regimen calls for me to be in the training hall all afternoon today."

"Surely you can break your routine just this once," I said. "It's a special occasion."

"Out of the question, Ursa. True mastery of firebending requires _strict _discipline. My brother's plea can proceed without me."

"You make it sound like my situation is desperate," Iroh chuckled. "In any case, your training regimen demands what it demands; I don't expect you to break it."

"Well, the children and I shall certainly be there," I said. "Do you hear that, Zuko? We're going with Uncle to see Grandfather today; won't that be nice?"

Zuko cheered and flung his hands up (and lost hold of his dumpling, which unfortunately hit one of the servants). To be honest, I think he was just mimicking my sentiments in his own fashion without really understanding what was being discussed.

"Now that that's taken care of," said Iroh, getting lazily to his feet, "I think I'll go catch up on my sleep. I wouldn't want to be at anything less than my best when I go to speak with Father. I'll let you all know when it's time to get ready."

"Aw," Lu Ten groaned. "I want to spend time with you, Dad! I haven't seen you in _forever_!"

"Lu Ten, your father's _tired_," Iroh said, not without affection. "I don't think I got half enough sleep last night, and that was after traveling for days. You'll get to see me soon enough. Even if your grandfather doesn't approve my request for a year off, I'm certain to be home for a month or so."

"Okay," Lu Ten sighed. "Can I at least walk with you to your room?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way. Let's go, son."

After the two of them left, I asked my husband, "Did _you_ know he was on his way home?"

"Of course not; why would I know a thing like that?" he replied rather curtly.

"There is no need for you to be angry with me," I said. "I meant no offense."

"I am not angry with you," he said, not looking at me.

"Well, you sound as though _something_ is upsetting you this morning."

"It is only that I had hoped for a greater show of understanding and loyalty from my wife."

"Then you _are_ angry with me."

"Angry is not the right word. I am…disappointed."

"I see. What expectation of my understanding and loyalty did you have, that I failed to meet?

He sighed noisily, but did not answer me.

"Was it that I said I would attend Iroh's audience with the Fire Lord, even after you said you would not?" I said, confident that in fact it was. "I'm afraid I don't see why that should disappoint you…unless you were hoping that I join you in snubbing your brother, which is too petty for me to contemplate."

"I am not snubbing him," said my husband. "As I already explained, I must keep to my training regimen. This is what I mean about your lack of understanding."

"If I lack understanding," I said, "it is because I am not a firebender myself. I hope you don't expect me to apologize for that."

He finally looked up at me, with a slightly hurt expression. "Of course I don't," he said gently.

"And in other matters, I understand more than you must think," I continued. "I know that you are envious of Iroh, and that you feel threatened by our closeness. But I must tell you that this fear of yours is irrational, and I will not spurn his friendship just to assuage it. He is our children's uncle, and what's more, he is our future Fire Lord. You would do well to remember that the next time you would risk earning his displeasure with your dismissive attitude."

It was the first time in quite a while that I had spoken so sternly to Ozai, and I was surprised by how calm I felt while doing it, and oddly gratified by the look he gave me in response, as though he had never seen me before. "You are very bold to speak thusly to me, lady wife," he said, not angrily but almost as though he were daring me to go further.

"Only as bold as I need to be," I said. Spurred by a sudden urge to end the conversation on a pleasant note, I reached across the table to touch his hand. "Do not think because of this that I am angry with you, or that I favor Iroh over you in any sense. I wish only to preserve the harmony of this household."

"I believe you," he said after a moment's pause.

"I'm glad. I'd better go get the children washed up," I said, rising. "I shall see you again this evening, my husband. May you do well in your training. Come on, Zuko. Say bye-bye to Daddy for now."

"Bye-bye, Daddy," Zuko said with a proper little bow. Once we were in the corridor and heading back to my suite, he asked, "We're gonna see Uncle now?"

"Not yet, darling," I replied. "Later."

"Mommy?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Is Daddy mad at you?"

"I don't think so. He said he wasn't, and I haven't done anything that should make him mad."

The day passed slowly after that, until the moment when Lu Ten arrived at my suite, scrubbed almost raw and dressed in his smartest clothes, and told us that the audience was in thirty minutes. I had to rush to get myself and the children ready, but with Su-Lin's help, we made it in time.

Iroh was very straightforward with his aim: "Father, I ask your permission to take a year of leave, starting today."

"A brash request," said Azulon evenly. "What is the reason for this sudden…reluctance to return to your duties?"

"It is not reluctance as such. Neither is it, in fact, particularly sudden. As you know, Father, my troops and I spent much of the winter trapped in a valley, at the mercy of the snow. With nothing else possible to do, I spent much time thinking. And I found that all I could think about for any length of time was home and my family.

"I am a prince of the Fire Nation and a general of her armies, but I am also a father, and my son is growing up, and I am missing it. My brother's young children are reaching milestones as well, and I must wait for the news to come on the legs of hawks, instead of seeing for myself. Father, nothing gives me greater pleasure than serving the interests of our glorious nation—nothing, that is, except the company of my loved ones, the lack of which I have felt very keenly of late. I wish for some time to reconnect with them, enough time that I will not have my next campaign weighing on my mind all the while."

"I am not unsympathetic," said the Fire Lord, "but surely a full year is excessive. Six months should suffice to give you the peace of mind you crave."

"No doubt you are correct, Father, but consider this," said Iroh. "In six months, it will be fall in the Earth Kingdom. If the next winter is as harsh as the last one, that gives me very little time to do anything useful, and I run the risk of being snowbound again, in which case I might as well have stayed home for the full year after all."

"Your points are well made, Iroh," said Azulon. "I notice that you have brought the loved ones you spoke of with you, perhaps in the hope that they will strengthen your case? Let us hear their opinions on the matter. Prince Lu Ten, speak."

Lu Ten was startled at being addressed so suddenly, but he recovered quickly. "Thank you for hearing me, Grandfather. I have missed Da—my father as much as he has missed me. If I had my way, he would never have to go to war again. But I know that isn't possible. To have him home for one year would be _wonderful_, and I hope you will grant his request."

"I supposed as much. Princess Ursa, what are your thoughts?"

"There is little I can say that has not been said already, Sire," I replied. "Only that in addition to feeling bereft of my brother-in-law's company myself, I have worried that my children will grow up not knowing their uncle."

"Very well," said Azulon. "I have heard enough. I will need some time to come to a decision. This audience is at an end. You are all dismissed."

Since then, I have been on pins and needles waiting to see what my father-in-law will decide. Given the lateness of the hour, I do not think we will know before tomorrow. But I am of good hope, given the Fire Lord's general demeanor throughout the meeting, and the fact that all three of us who spoke were of an accord. We shall all have to wait and see.

* * *

_A/N: This was a long one, I know. There always seems to be a lot to say when Iroh's in town._


	68. Chapter 68

12th Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

The Fire Lord approved Iroh's request! Despite my feelings yesterday evening, I was beginning to lose hope by the time Lu Ten brought us the news. There are conditions, of course—Iroh is to attend and advise at every war council that takes place during the coming year, and he is to keep himself in fine fighting form by devoting one half-day out of every week to training, but these scarcely seem bothersome in light of what they have bought us.

Iroh celebrated the announcement by ordering all of us a truly extravagant lunch from the kitchens—roast duck, of course, and sweet bean buns, which are Lu Ten's favorite, and at least a dozen other dishes besides. We ate in the main garden, so that the children could run and play while we talked afterward. I had hoped to discuss possible plans for the year while we ate, but as Iroh put it, "When I'm out in the field, I spend at least two hours every day making plans for next week, next month, and beyond. For once, I would like to do things spontaneously." It was hard to argue with such a reasonable point.

Haku and Mai joined us for the meal, and Haku put on a big show of helping Mai to her feet and holding both her hands while she took a few tentative steps forward. (Soon she will be walking on her own, and then _running_, and before long Azula as well, and I don't know how we grown-ups will ever manage to keep up.) Iroh clapped and said "Well done, little lady! Does she talk yet?"

"No," sighed Haku. "She understands me well enough, but she doesn't even really babble like most babies—not when she knows I'm listening, anyway."

"She's probably just introverted," said Iroh. "Some children are. They can't all be epitomes of charisma like _my_ family."

Haku was quite taken aback until I laughed and told her, "It's just one of his silly jokes, Haku. He doesn't mean anything by it."

"Of course _you_ don't mind," she said, feigning umbrage. "Your children _are_ part of his family."

"And aren't they perfect examples of what I'm talking about?" Iroh grinned. "Heredity is a marvelous thing. I tell you this, Ursa: both of your children are going to be real heartbreakers when they grow up. Assuming you manage to civilize Azula, that is."

"There, you see, Haku? Now I'm the one getting stung by his wit," I said.

"What wit? I'm serious. I have a bruise on my finger from yesterday."

"She bit him?" Haku guessed.

"I suppose I have only myself to blame," Iroh chuckled. "I should know better than to leave my fingers where strange babies can get hold of them."

At that point, Lu Ten came jogging up with Zuko in tow. "Dad! Aunt Ursa! Look what I taught Zuko to do! Show 'em, Zuko!"

I cringed, anticipating some mortifyingly crude stunt, but to my relief, Lu Ten had only taught my son to go through the motions of a firebending maneuver. As he has not yet learned to produce a flame at will, there was no concern of danger…but he lost his balance and toppled over in the process. He started crying almost at once, surely more from embarrassment than pain, as he merely scuffed his hands on the grass.

"Oops," said Lu Ten. "That didn't happen the first time he did it."

I started to get up to go comfort Zuko, but Iroh was already on his feet, signaling to stay put. He walked over to where my son was sitting on the ground and wailing, and said in a boisterous tone of voice, "What's the matter, Prince Zuko?"

"I fell down!" Zuko bawled.

"Oh, is that what happened?" said Iroh. "It was so graceful and impressive, I thought you must have done it on purpose." Zuko's sobs subsided into sniffles at hearing this, and Iroh continued. "But come to think of it, maybe that move was a little advanced for you. Why don't we try something simpler? Come on now, get up."

Haku leaned over to me. "This is going to be good," she muttered.

As a matter of fact, it wasn't much of a show as such—Iroh demonstrated a basic punching move without releasing any fire, and had Zuko copy it and repeat a few times. Zuko's mien during the impromptu lesson was earnest almost to the point of solemnity, and Haku remarked upon it. "Look how _serious_ he is. Is he always like this during firebending lessons?"

"More or less," I said. "He does take it very seriously. He wants to do well."

Finally, my son had mastered the form to the extent his youth would allow. "Excellent work, nephew!" said Iroh. "Now once more—show your mother."

Of course, I had already been watching him practice the move, but I pretended otherwise, and I applauded Zuko's wobbly efforts. "What a fine warrior you're shaping up to be!"

"Master Zhi sure will be surprised," said Lu Ten. "He's only teaching Zuko how to meditate so far."

"Master Zhi is a fine teacher," said Iroh. "Just as children must learn to walk before they can run," this was accompanied with a nod toward Haku and Mai, "so young firebenders must master the fires within themselves before they can hope to successfully wield fire outside themselves."

Lu Ten pulled a face. "I know you're right, Dad, but it sounds _weird_ when you put it like that."

"That's because you're not quite eleven," Iroh said affectionately. "When you get to be my age, you'll appreciate the poetry of it."

And on that note I shall close, for I have written far more than I intended. It is just so wonderful to have Iroh with us for an entire year. He is clearly going to be a great friend and teacher to the children.

* * *

_A/N: Don't you remember being small, when "falling down" was a catastrophe demanding of instant parental sympathy? My mom always defused the situation by saying "Oh, no! Did you hurt the ground?"_

_Also, Mai strikes me as the kind of person whose physical development, as a baby, would outstrip her social development. So: walking before talking._

_Anyway, I'm sorry I made you wait so long for something that turned out to be pretty filler-ish. Don't worry, Ursa and the kids will get to have more interesting and relevant adventures with Iroh in the chapters to come._


	69. Chapter 69

20th Day, 3rd Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

I am quite tired from the day's activities, so I shall be as brief as I can.

The festival was, in a word, magnificent. I have always considered my life as a member of the nobility and now the Royal Family to be opulent, but it seems downright austere compared to the jubilance and whimsy with which the commoners celebrate the Vernal Equinox. I lost count of the banners and lanterns within minutes of leaving the Palace grounds, and the general atmosphere of happiness and energy was inspiring.

After we had made our initial circuit of the city square, Iroh said, "I must confess to an ulterior motive when I suggested we do this. Since I was not able to come home in time for New Year's Day, I would like to get you all some belated gifts. So later today when we get to the shopping district, each of you may pick out anything you like, and I'll buy it for you."

"Really, Dad?" Lu Ten said breathlessly. "_Anything?_"

"Well, there are _some_ limits," Iroh admitted. "But I don't even want you to think about what they might be. I'll tell you if you bump into them by accident."

"You're too generous, Iroh," I said. "How will I ever be able to choose anything when I cannot reciprocate?"

"Ursa, you've already given me a nephew and a niece I can play with and spoil rotten. In my opinion, I'm getting the better end of that bargain."

"All right, but I still don't know how I'm going to choose anything."

"Never fear, Ursa, I'll help you pick out something deliciously expensive," said Haku.

"Does Father know you're indulging in this kind of extravagance?" asked Ozai.

"He doesn't have to. I'm spending my own personal funds," Iroh replied. "You need to lighten up, brother. Think about what sort of present you want, and I'm sure you'll feel more cheerful."

"I don't want anything from you," my husband said at once.

"Hm," Iroh said pensively. "Maybe I should get you a heavy black cloak so you can brood more efficiently."

Haku and I burst into laughter, provoking a sullen scowl from Ozai. "Look at him; I'm not sure he needs the help," I said. "Please try to enjoy yourself, my lord husband. It will do the children and me good to see you smile."

"We'll see," he said.

From then on out, there was less conversation as we took in the delights of the festival and waved to the throngs of commoners. Azula liked the firebending performers best, but Zuko was surprisingly impressed by a troupe of musicians—when the time came for us to go shopping, he decided he wanted some kind of musical instrument. He was nearly ecstatic when we found in one shop an entire set of different instruments with matching ornamentation, all scaled for a child of about his size: a pipa, a bala-fong, a tai drum, a flute, and even a miniature tsungi horn.

Ozai was irritated and tried to convince Zuko to ask for something more martial in nature, but Iroh got him to leave off by telling us all, "My brother might not like to admit it, but he loved to play the bala-fong when he was small. He was getting rather good by the time he lost interest—I don't know what went wrong." Zuko immediately declared that the bala-fong was his favorite. I can still hear him playing with it in his room, so I suppose he meant it.

Since Azula is too young to make decisions for herself, I chose a toy for her: a stuffed cloth dragon of the type she likes. This one is very cute and cleverly made, with red ribbons sewn into its mouth to make it look as though it is breathing fire. She had already managed to work one loose by the time we got home, but I held onto it so that I may repair it in the morning.

For myself, I chose a nice new stand-up embroidery frame, with sliding pieces so that I can adjust it to nearly any size to fit whatever I am working on. Now I must think of something magnificent to stitch, in order that Iroh's generosity not be wasted or sold short!

My husband _would not_ ask for anything, so Iroh went ahead and bought him a black cloak, as he had joked about before. As a gift it is no joke, however. It is a fine garment, made of imported pig-sheep wool and edged around all the hems with red and gold braid. The clasp is bronze and sculpted to resemble an animal's head, though the design is so abstract that I cannot identify it. Ozai seems pleased with it, though naturally his pride and stubbornness forbid him from expressing much in the way of gratitude.

Lu Ten's gift was a new set of tack and barding for his ostrich-horse. Since it must be fitted to the animal specially, he has not gotten to take it home yet, but he and Iroh made arrangements to meet with the leatherworker's apprentice at the Stables in a few days for the fitting. Lu Ten must be growing up, because he passed right over all the gaily ornamented harnesses and saddles and chose a practical, sturdy but plain model. I think a few tassels would not hurt it, however, and I plan to surprise Lu Ten with a matched set on his birthday.

Haku also got a gift, which none of us expected, but Iroh told her, "You're my dear sister-in-law's companion, and that makes you practically family." I was no less surprised by her selection of a longbow and a set of sport arrows.

"Haku, you shoot?" I said. "I had no idea!"

"Well, I knew I wouldn't be able to practice while I was pregnant, so I left my equipment back at Hong's estate. But I've been dabbling in it since I was a little girl. A talent for archery runs in my family. One of my cousins joined the Yuuyan Archers."

"You must give us all a demonstration," I said.

"Oh, I intend to," she replied.

Haku picked something for Mai, as well—hair ribbons, as I recall. She has just enough hair to start styling now, and I can hardly wait to see what Haku does with it.

Despite my tiredness, I feel it has been a satisfying day all around. With that I shall stop writing, for it is time to put Zuko to bed. I only hope he does not complain too much about being made to put away his new instruments!

* * *

_A/N: A pipa is a Chinese lute, forerunner to the Japanese biwa. The bala-fong I made up—it's supposed to be something like a marimba. (I named it after an outfit called the __**Balafon**__ Marimba Ensemble. Their style is Afro-Caribbean, but I thought the word sounded generically Asian enough to work for _Avatar_.) The tai drum is also made up, and I don't have any specifics in mind for it, though if you want to envision it as a small tai__**ko**__ drum, you certainly may. The flute is self-explanatory. And we all know about the tsungi horn._


	70. Chapter 70

28th Day, 4th Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

I seem to have missed the mark with the tassels. Lu Ten's reaction was positive enough, but was definitely more polite than enthusiastic; he said upon opening the box, "They're very nice, Aunt Ursa, but what are they _for_?" and when I told him he could decorate Tsuchi's saddle with them for special occasions, he said. "Oh, okay. Thank you," and moved on to the next gift. No doubt he will use them, in order not to disappoint me, but in the future I shall have to pay more attention to the things he likes instead of merely guessing.

In less than two months, of course, it will be Zuko's birthday. I can hardly believe that he is nearly three years old—it seems only last week that he was a tiny, helpless infant who needed my constant attention. After his birthday passes, it really will be time for his academic education to begin, so I think I will include a reading primer and stationery set among his presents. He can already read a few words—his own name, "Fire Nation," "sun," and "strength"—and I would like for him to get some practice writing them and learning new words while I find tutors for him.

Soon enough after Zuko's birthday, of course, will come Azula's first birthday, which is if anything even more startling to think about. I am sure she will be walking by then, and maybe talking a little as well. She is standing up in her crib right now, holding onto the railing with one hand and smacking her toy dragon against it with the other. I will be annoyed if it goes on too much longer, but I am sure she will stop just before it reaches that point—she seems to have a sixth sense about the limits of what people will put up with, and she likes to push right up against the verge of those limits without going too far.

Actually, I had better make her stop now. It is almost time for her evening feeding, and with her new tooth coming in I anticipate some trouble getting her comfortable enough to nurse.

* * *

_A/N: I guess this is as good a time as any to mention that "tsuchi" is Japanese for "earth." I keep forgetting to bring it up. It's a dull and obvious name for an animal from the Earth Kingdom, but no one ever said Lu Ten was very creative._

_Also, if you find it far-fetched that a not-quite-three-year-old would be able to read a little, I must refer to you Exhibit A: Me. Due in part to the fact that my mom started teaching my the alphabet literally as soon as I was born, I could pick my way through a typical Dr. Seuss book by the time I turned three. Zuko's nowhere near that literate, but in a culture that uses a pictographic writing system rather than a phonetic one, I shouldn't think it would be too hard for him to memorize a few important characters and match them up to words._


	71. Chapter 71

16th Day, 5th Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

I am writing from the deck of our ship as we head toward Ember Island. (My husband is being good enough to stand so as to shield me and my pages from the wind.) Even though we will only stay for a few days, I am growing as excited as a young girl. We haven't been there since well before Azula was born, and I don't think Zuko even remembers the trip. It's a pity Haku and Mai are going to miss it.

Lu Ten has brought his ostrich-horse along. He wants to give us all a demonstration of some mounted maneuvers he has been learning. He hasn't been on deck much since we left port, and I can only assume he is keeping Tsuchi company in her pen below.

Ozai is starting to get impatient, so I will leave off for now.

…

Now that the day has ended, I can complete this entry. And what a day it has been! I was afraid our beach house would be dusty and in disrepair after such a long time away, but the caretaker has been diligent with the upkeep. Still, it does seem rather plain, and I plan to go shopping for some nice furnishings tomorrow.

After we got settled in and changed into our beach clothes, Ozai and I took the children down to the shoreline to explore. Zuko made a game of standing within reach of the surf and then running away from each wave as it approached his feet. Further on, we came to a rocky part of the shore with tidal pools, and I showed Zuko which creatures are safe to touch and which should be avoided because they bite or sting, while Ozai held Azula above a pool and dangled her feet in the water. Some harmless little fishes tried to nibble her toes, causing her to shriek with laughter. We spent a little time looking for interesting shells, but found only a few snails and anemone-urchins. We were still pretty close to the most popular part of the beach, after all—hopefully the more secluded spots will have better pickings.

When we got back to the sandy area, we found that Lu Ten had almost completely buried Iroh in the sand and was building a little fortress on top of him. "Welcome to Mount Iroh," he said as we approached, "location of the fabulous Lu Ten Palace."

"Guess what, Uncle!" said Zuko. "I touched a nemmy-urchin!"

"He means an anemone-urchin," I explained.

"And a fish ate 'Zula's feet!"

"Really," Iroh chuckled. "But then why does she still have feet? Did she manage to get the originals back and re-attach them, or did she grow a new pair?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, sweetie, Uncle's just teasing you," I told Zuko. "He knows the fish didn't _really_ eat Azula's feet."

Ozai put Azula down to crawl about as she pleased, and it wasn't long before she took an interest in Lu Ten's sand castle and, in the process of climbing up Iroh's side to get at it, knocked down a whole side of it.

"Azula!" Lu Ten complained. "Look what you did! Now I'll have to start all over."

"I wanna help you, Lu Ten! Can I help?" begged Zuko.

"Sure. Here—help me build it back up, and then we can go find some pebbles to use as decorations."

"Don't I get any say?" said Iroh. "I'm the building site, after all."

"No," said Lu Ten slyly. "You should have thought of that before you said I could bury you."

"I see. Next time, I'll be sure to remember what a ruthless opportunist my son is. Will you at least let me out when it gets to be dinner time?" At that point, Azula gave up on climbing to the top of "Mount Iroh" and instead crawled around to where she could poke at his face. "Oh, dear," said Iroh. "Assistance, please!"

I hurried to move Azula away from him. "Come on, darling, Uncle's face is not a toy."

Then, to my amazement and delight, she reached for her father and said "Dada!"

Ozai looked startled. "Is she addressing me?" he asked.

"I think she is!" I exclaimed. "It's her first word! Oh, Azula, you're talking!" I kissed her cheek and told her, "Say it again, Azula! Say 'Dada!'"

"Dada!" she repeated. "Dada, Dada!"

"Wonderful!" I said. "Now say 'Mama'—can you say it?"

"Ma…" said Azula. "Ma…"

"Come on: 'Mama.' You can do it."

"Ma…Dada!" she said. Then she giggled.

"Ooh, you little monster, you did that on purpose!" I mock-scolded her while the men laughed. "Here, Ozai—you're the one she likes best; you hold her."

He took her, snickering. "You're my smart little warrior princess, aren't you?"

Despite the "insult" to me, that was definitely the highlight of the day. I think I'll try again tomorrow to get her to say "Mama," and maybe "Zuko" (or whatever she makes of it) also.

* * *

_A/N: After "The Beach," how could I _not_ do an adorable little Ember Island story arc? This is one area where living in Southern California really pays off for me, because I have a lot of personal beach experience to draw on. By the way, tidal pools are **awesome**, and I feel sorry for anyone who leaves childhood without having visited one at least once. Also, if there is a natural phenomenon more ticklish than a small fish taking a gamble on whether or not your toes are edible, I haven't found what it is._

_By the way, if you're wondering why Haku and Mai didn't come with them, take note of the date at the top—Mai's first birthday was just a few days prior to this. Haku and her husband wanted to celebrate it at their own home, and Haku and Mai are staying there for a little while so that Mai and her father will not be strangers to each other later on._

_As one final note, the above "You little monster" dialogue is not meant to trivialize Azula's mother issues as revealed in "The Beach." I don't believe Ursa literally thought her daughter had a monstrous nature, but she obviously found Azula's lack of empathy off-putting, and that might have become amalgamated in Azula's memory with playful uses of words like "monster" to make Azula think the rift between them was even wider than it was._

_—Karalora_


	72. Chapter 72

17th Day, 5th Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

Well, I had intended to try getting Azula to say "Mama" again today, but it turned out that I didn't need to—she volunteered it when she woke up hungry. This has me even surer that she was only teasing me yesterday…but in any case, I'm glad of it, because the events of the afternoon would have driven thoughts of improving her language development quite out of my mind.

Lu Ten was getting restless to show us his mounted maneuvers, so we all went up to the grassy fields in the interior of the island, where there is good ground for riding. Lu Ten let Tsuchi graze for a few minutes before saddling her, and then went through his usual warm-up exercises. Zuko clapped and cheered, and Lu Ten pulled up alongside where we were sitting and said "If you like that, Zuko, wait till you see our new tricks!"

"Well, come on and show us already!" Iroh said, beaming.

"Okay, here we go!" said Lu Ten. He wheeled Tsuchi around and rode her away from us for about a hundred yards, then turned about again and came back toward us at a jogging clip. Once his course was steady, he stood up in the stirrups and began firebending, tossing flames off to his left and right.

Suddenly, apparently for no immediate reason, Tsuchi shied and began to weave and kick. After that, things happened very fast—Lu Ten lost his balance, but before he could fall from the animal's back, she _threw_ him, and I heard him cry out, and then he was tumbling through the air. Iroh was on his feet before the boy hit the ground, and as soon as I could collect my wits, I followed, leaving the children with Ozai.

Lu Ten had been stunned by the fall, and was mostly unresponsive, though he was whimpering with pain. It was obvious at once from the position of his left foot that his ankle was broken—caught in the stirrup when he was thrown, I suppose. Iroh was examining him for other hurts as he returned to full consciousness.

"How can I help?" I asked.

"Try to find some stout sticks, something to use as splints," Iroh replied.

Just then, Lu Ten groggily opened his eyes, and immediately squeezed them closed again, exclaiming, "Owwwwwwwww! It hurts! It hurts!"

"I know it hurts," said Iroh, much more calmly than he surely felt. "Your ankle's broken. Don't try to move yet. Ursa, the sticks?"

"Of course, just a moment," I said. I could hardly bear to tear myself away from the piteous two of them, but I had my task. I found a spot where shrubs had once grown, leaving a few branching stumps, and I broke off what I could and brought it back. By that time, Ozai had brought the children closer, apparently at Zuko's insistence, although he was forbidden to get too close.

"Here," I said, setting the sticks down where Iroh could reach them.

"Good," he replied. "Now, listen, Lu Ten, I'm going to straighten out your foot, and it's probably going to hurt quite a bit for a moment. So hold your aunt's hand, and if you need to scream, go ahead and scream. Are you ready?"

"Yes," said Lu Ten, gritting his teeth and gripping the hand I offered so tightly that I thought _I_ would have broken bones also. Then Iroh set his ankle, and I had to look away until I heard it click back into place. Lu Ten did not scream, but he hissed sharply through his teeth, and when I looked back, he was very pale.

"Hm," Iroh grunted as he started strapping the sticks to Lu Ten's leg with cloth strips torn off his sleeves. He looked pale also, and his hands were shaking slightly. "It's no masterpiece, but it will stay in place until we can get back into town and see a doctor. How does it feel now, son?"

"A lot better," said Lu Ten. "Where's Tsuchi? Is she all right?"

I glanced around and saw the ostrich-horse grazing a short way off, as though nothing had happened. "Yes, she's fine," I said.

"Please don't be mad at her. It's not her fault."

"No one's mad at her," said Iroh, finishing up the splint. "But I think it might not be a good idea to ride her anymore today. Ozai, please lead her on the way back." And with that, he scooped up Lu Ten and started back down the trail toward the beach.

My husband handed Azula to me, and I took Zuko's hand, and we followed. "Mommy, will Lu Ten be okay?" asked Zuko earnestly.

"I think so," I answered, trying not to sound worried. "It will take a while, though. He broke his ankle."

"Will the doctor glue it back together?"

I had to laugh. "Not exactly, darling. The doctor will wrap it up very tightly and maybe put a plaster on it, and it will glue _itself_ back together. But it will take a long time."

"How long? An hour?"

"Closer to several weeks," Ozai volunteered, catching up to us with the ostrich-horse.

Zuko scowled at the animal and said, "Bad Soo-chee! You hurted Lu Ten! Bad!"

"She's not bad, Zuko. It was an accident," I explained. "Although it is strange that she should have done that when she's usually so well-behaved."

"Not that strange," said my husband. "Think about it—Lu Ten was practicing new moves in an unfamiliar location. Animals can't think like we can. They only react based on instinct."

Iroh was moving much more quickly than we were, and we stopped at the beach house to tie up Tsuchi on the way, so by the time we got to the doctor's clinic, Lu Ten was already being seen to. (We could hear him periodically say "Ow!" from inside the waiting room.) We were asked to wait in the antechamber until his session was finished. When we saw Iroh and Lu Ten again, Lu Ten's leg had been dressed with a much sturdier splint and he was holding a crutch, but Iroh was still carrying him.

"…at least three weeks," the doctor was saying. "Once it is no longer tender to the touch, he can have the splint replaced with a smaller brace. And don't forget about the chalk water, young highness."

"I won't," Lu Ten groaned. Then he caught sight of us. "Oh, you made it!" he said.

"How is your ankle feeling, Lu Ten?" I asked.

"It still hurts a little," he replied. "The doctor says I'm to stay off my feet until tomorrow." He pulled a face. "She also made me drink a cup of chalk water, and it tasted _awful_. But she _also_ said I'm lucky 'cause it's not a very bad break and if I'm careful, I won't limp after it's healed."

"I'm glad to hear it," I said.

"Well, let's get back to the beach house," said Iroh.

"We're packing to leave today, then?" said Ozai.

"Not just yet," Iroh smiled. "We already asked. Apparently, sea travel would do him more harm than good for now. So we can go ahead with our vacation as planned, at least until tomorrow morning. After that, it's up to Lu Ten to decide whether he feels well enough to stay away from home."

"Before she said that, I was afraid I ruined our trip," Lu Ten added. "I'm sorry you guys didn't get to see all my new moves."

"I think we'll survive until our next opportunity," said my husband wryly. "The rest of you go on ahead to the house. I'm going to send a hawk to Father, to keep him up-to-date."

"Good idea," said Iroh. "Better to forestall wild rumors with plain facts that way, too."

Once we got back to the beach house, we set Lu Ten up on the divan with some cushions to keep his leg elevated and gave him some books to read. Then I went into the bedroom to feed Azula. After a few minutes, Iroh came in with a cup of tea. "What a day," he groaned.

"Maybe you should forgo the tea for a change and have some sake," I remarked. "You look rattled."

"It's frightening when your child has an accident," he explained, "even a relatively minor one. Now I finally have the luxury to fall apart over it."

"Somehow, I have a hard time imagining you _falling apart_, even over Lu Ten," I said.

"You'll find out someday," he smiled wearily. "The first time Zuko falls out of a tree or _this_ little one—" he reached over to tickle Azula's foot, "—stumbles into a nest of scorpion-bees, you'll realize that they've become your whole world, and the slightest threat to that world is almost unbearable. If you're doing it right, that is."

Azula finished nursing, and I turned away from Iroh for a moment to do my gown back up. "We should see about some supper for the rest of us," I said idly. "Is there anything Lu Ten's not supposed to have right now?"

"No," said Iroh, grinning more broadly, "but he _is_ supposed to drink a cup of chalk water with every meal. I wish you could have seen his face when he heard that!"

So all's well that ends well, if an intricate splint and orders to drink chalk water can be considered "ending well." And with that I close, for it has gotten late and Ozai is beckoning me to bed.

* * *

_A/N: I've been planning this one for a long, long time (though it's only within the past two weeks that it's been slated to take place on Ember Island, for obvious reasons), but I didn't know until today that it would end up drifting off into Iroh's paternal musings at the end there. That's the sort of thing that takes you by surprise even as you're writing it, and I won't say it didn't give me a little bit of an ache to think what it foreshadows._

_The bit about the chalk water might need some explaining. Historically, drinking animal milk has not been a common practice in the Far East, so logically it wouldn't be done much in _Avatar_ world either. People would get their calcium from other sources, and if they needed extra (like when healing a bone), one such source would be water with calciferous minerals such as chalk dissolved in it._

_I think Ozai is coming across remarkable non-assholish lately. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing._

—_Karalora_


	73. Chapter 73

18th Day, 5th Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

And so our trip draws to a close. Our bags are already packed so that we may set off for home first thing in the morning. The only items I still have out for use are my night clothes and this diary.

Even with Lu Ten's accident, I have had a lovely time. I had not realized how much I needed a change of scene for a few days…but now, having had one, I won't mind getting back to my own bed.

We mostly stayed near the beach today, so that Lu Ten could get the hang of walking with his crutch on level ground. So far, he has mastered the rudiments, but his technique is clumsy, and moving at a pace equal to a fast walk tires him out as though he had been running. He hides it well, but I think it is a shock to him to suddenly be faced with these limitations. He was disappointed, also, that he could not go near the water. But he made the best of it, and he minded Azula for me while I took Zuko down to play in the surf.

Azula, for her part, is reveling in her newfound powers of speech. She has figured out that saying "Mama" is a sure way to get my instant attention, and that saying "Dada" will likewise draw my husband, and she has been doing what I can only call experimenting, with tones of voice and such. I have tried to get her to say more words, including her own name and Zuko's, but apparently she is content with "Mama" and "Dada" for now.

Zuko had a bit of a scare this afternoon. After lunch, we let him run about on his own for a little while, keeping watch of him from our own spot, and he wandered far enough away to lose sight of us in the crowd. When he realized he didn't know where we were, he took fright and began crying, and Ozai went to fetch him back. Of course, once Zuko was reunited with us, he steadfastly denied having been scared.

And now it is nearly suppertime, so I shall close this entry and pack my diary.

* * *

_A/N: Pure fluff, and not even particularly charming fluff, but I wanted to wrap up the Ember Island story arc. After this, expect only one or two more chapters while the kids are still very small, and then I'm going to start speeding things up. I would like to finish this story off before the series ends up making all my fiendish speculation a moot point…as I strongly suspect it's going to._


	74. Chapter 74

3rd Day, Sixth Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

It seems Haku will be leaving us soon. A hawk from Lord Hong arrived today—he has volunteered to undertake a tour of service in the Earth Kingdom, and she will be needed to take charge of their estate while he is away. Whenever it is that he comes to the Palace to take his oath of service, he and Haku and little Mai will leave together.

I shall certainly miss them! Haku has been a wonderful friend—I could nearly always count on her wit to brighten a dull day and help me see the humor in my own life. And I had hoped that Mai would be a companion to Azula as they grew older…but, I remind myself, such a thing is not out of the question yet. I must simply remember to keep in contact with Haku, and visit her with the children from time to time.

I do wish I had more time to prepare a going-away party for them. One thing I intend to do is release Fan from my service so that Haku may hire her directly. I have hardly needed Fan's help at all since Zuko was weaned, but Haku's milk production is beginning to fall off, and Mai is nowhere near old enough to go to a diet of all solids. It will be best for everyone, I think, if she stays with them.

I think I shall try to arrange a send-off for them anyway, something simple like a luncheon and a few small gifts. I shall enlist Iroh's help; he's good at coming up with things like this.

* * *

_A/N: Believe it or not, I've had this tidbit planned since before "The Beach" revealed the circumstances of Mai's upbringing. I've actually been very fortunate that nothing in the series so far has grossly contradicted my story._


	75. Chapter 75

27th Day, Sixth Moon, Year of the Horse (Azulon 67)

There are two notable events to report for today. The first is that Lu Ten traded his ankle splint for a small brace. He can put weight on his left foot again, though not too much or for too long, and has taken to going without the crutch when walking short distances. In a few days, he will resume his firebending lessons, though of course he will be limited to the less strenuous exercises.

The other thing that happened was that Azula finally took at stab at saying her brother's name. The funny thing is that she cannot pronounce the whole thing—only the first syllable, so she doubles it and says "Zu-Zu." When I realized that it was the best she was going to do for now, I called Zuko in to hear.

"Look who's here, Azula," I said when he arrived. "Who is that?"

"Zu-Zu!" she said cheerfully.

Much to my surprise, he got angry! "That's not my name!" he growled. "My name is Zuko!"

"Zu-Zu!" Azula repeated.

"No! Mommy, make her say it right!"

"Now, Zuko, she's doing the best she can," I explained. "Remember, she's only a beginner at talking. I wish you could remember what you used to call Uncle Iroh when you were older than she is now."

Azula, meanwhile, continued to say "Zu-Zu!" and giggle.

"Nuh-uh! She's doing it on purpose to make me mad!" Zuko complained.

"Well, in that case, there's a very simple solution," I told him.

"What?"

"_Don't get so mad_, of course. She'll stop doing it if it doesn't get her what she wants."

"Zu-Zu!" Azula said again.

"_No_, 'Zula. Say it right! It's Zuko! Say 'Zuko!'"

"Zu-Zu! Zu-Zu!"

At that, Zuko sat down on the floor, crossed his arms, and made the most amusingly ferocious pout. "Make her say it right," he muttered.

"I can't make her do something she doesn't know how to do," I said, resisting the urge to laugh. "She'll figure it out in time. She's just a little baby." I decided not to mention that Zuko still is not perfect on his pronunciation of Azula's name, which would only frustrate him in such a mood.

Perhaps it is not kind of me to be so entertained by my son's childish fury, but I cannot help it. No harm is done to him by the mispronunciation of his name, and in any case Azula can do no better, yet he treats it like a grave offense…it is the disproportion of his response that is funny. No doubt when he is older, he will look back and laugh at his own naïve bluster. For now, he will simply have to accept Azula's inability to say his name properly. It will lose its sting once he gets used to it.

* * *

_A/N: Little kids have liberal senses of humor, but when it comes to their own personal selves, they take everything __**very**__ seriously. I imagine that would go double for Zuko. Ursa gives him too much credit here—he's going to hang onto this particular pet peeve._


	76. Chapter 76

_A/N: First of all, as some of you may have noticed, some jerkwad spammed my reviews with a lot of spoilers for the upcoming episodes of _Avatar_. Since they took the step of setting up an account first, I can't delete the offending post. So…read 'em if you want, and if you don't want, fortunately they're easy to spot and avoid since the wacko typed in all-caps._

_Secondly, if you take a look at the date heading on this chapter and compare it to the last, you'll see that I've jumped ahead a couple of years. There's only so much I can milk out of Zuko and Azula's young childhood, after all. In fact, things are going to be sped up quite a bit from here on out, with fewer extended story arcs and more significant milestones._

_And so without further ado…_

* * *

4th Day, Eighth Moon, Year of the Monkey (Azulon 69) 

It is only just after dawn, but I have been awake for hours. It was still totally dark when I was awakened by Zuko's voice, shrieking for me from his bedroom. I hurried up the hall to his suite and found him bawling.

"I'm here, Zuko, I'm here!" I said, taking hold of him and sitting on the edge of his bed, so that I could gather him into my lap. "What's the matter? Did you have a scary dream?"

"Yes!" he wailed, clinging to me. "I was walking in the hall, and there was a big monster behind me, and it ate Daddy and it ate Azula, and it was gonna eat me too, and I was running away and trying to find you, but you _weren't there_!"

"Well, I'm here now," I said, stroking his hair. "It was just a dream; you're all right. Everything's all right." I rocked him for a moment, letting him calm down, before asking, "What did the monster look like?"

"I couldn't see it," he said. "It was too dark."

"It sounds like a very cowardly monster, not coming out where you could see it," I mused. "I bet it was actually very small, and just made itself sound big so you would be afraid."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes. Monsters often do that."

He said nothing for a short time, and I continued to rock him and stroke his hair. Finally, I heard, "Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Can I come sleep with you the rest of the night?"

"Of course, my sweet."

I carried him back to my room, so that he would not have to let go of me in the meantime, and set him down on my bed so that he could crawl under the clothes with me. He fell asleep almost at once, but restlessly, and his squirming and kicking has kept me awake ever since. Now that it is getting light, I expect he will wake up shortly. If he is still troubled, I will take him out into the garden to feed the turtle-ducks, in order to take his mind off his nightmare.

_

* * *

A/N: So, what do you think? Normal childish anxiety…or a bit of precognition? Or both?_


	77. Chapter 77

Excerpts Part 4

20th Day, 11th Moon, Year of the Monkey (Azulon 69)

It has been a rather taxing day. Around midday, Su-Lin came to me with a worried expression. "My lady, I think you should know…" she said nervously. "There is talk among the servants that Prince Lu Ten has been seen stealing kisses from one of the kitchen girls…perhaps a word would be in order?"

I know I have been observing for some time now that Lu Ten is growing up…but for some reason it did not occur to me that he would inevitably have romance on his mind. I did indeed go to have a word with him when I knew he would be finished with his schooling and training for the day. He seemed to take it as a challenge, and became very defensive.

"So what if I have been? I can like who I want. And I like Ky Hua—she's pretty and funny."

"I don't doubt your sincerity," I explained. "But you must know that you can have no future with a girl of such low station. You must marry within the nobility. I think it would be best if you broke things off with this kitchen girl before the two of you get too attached to one another."

At that, his expression grew very fierce indeed. "It's not your place to give _me_ orders," he said. "You are _not_ my mother, Aunt Ursa. And on top of that, _you're_ not the one who is in line for the throne."

It was not his resistance to my words that angered me—I had expected that—but the way he treated the situation, as though I were a presumptuous underling. "Enough!" I said. "I will not be spoken to in such a fashion. You are right that I am not your mother—but I am the closest thing you will ever have again. And I may not be in line for the throne, but I _am_ responsible for the smooth operation of this household, and part of that is seeing to it that all its members maintain _appropriate_ relationships with one another. You _will_ stop seeing this girl, and I will write to your father and let him know how stubborn and rude you have been toward me."

His face fell, but pride prevented him from giving an inch, and he set his jaw and said "You may do whatever pleases you, _Princess_. And I will continue to do what pleases me. Good evening." And with that, he turned his back to me, and his valet escorted me out.

I was so offended that I returned to my suite at once to write the letter to Iroh, and had it sent within the hour. Much later, after supper, Lu Ten came to my chambers, wearing an expression that was a strange mix of contrition and resolution.

"I came for two things," he said. "First, I want to apologize for how I spoke to you earlier. You were right: I _was_ rude. I shouldn't have been."

"I accept your apology," I said. "But I'm afraid I already sent the letter to your father."

"Will you send another?" he asked. "I want to write to him myself, to ask him for advice about Ky Hua, and I don't want him to think I don't deserve it."

I gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm sure he would never think you don't deserve advice, no matter what you do. But yes, I will write another letter. I have no wish to be at odds with you, Lu Ten."

"Then why are you making such a big deal about me and Ky Hua?"

"I told you why. It's because it won't do for you to get too involved with someone who cannot be a fitting mate for you. In some ways, being who we are makes us _less_ free than our subjects. I found that out years ago."

"I still think you're wrong," he said firmly. "But I'll wait and see what Dad thinks. And in the meantime, I'll…I'll tell Ky Hua I have to take a break from her. How's that?"

"That sounds like an excellent compromise," I said.

So for now, the matter has taken a more pleasant turn. But it's clear to me that something needs to be done about Lu Ten's new interest. Surely among the nobility there must be at least one girl he would like; perhaps I should invite them all to the Palace and see what develops.

_A/N: If there's anything worse than a hormonal teenager…it's a hormonal teenager with more political power than you. Ursa's probably lucky that she's _not_ Lu Ten's mother, or his need to rebel against her would far outstrip his preference for getting along with her. _

_On another note, I'm just moving right along with this thing, aren't I?_ _Not that I have a problem with that, of course._


	78. Chapter 78

_A/N: Thanks to those who caught my typo on the date for the last chapter. It's fixed now._

_I hadn't originally planned to write this follow-up to that chapter, but so many people seem to be expecting one that I can't deny them. Enjoy!_

* * *

29th Day, 11th Month, Year of the Monkey (Azulon 69)

I must concede defeat. Iroh's reply regarding the situation with Lu Ten and the kitchen girl came a little while ago, advising me to "ease off and let the boy have his fun for now." Come to think of it, I don't know why I expected any different. The stories are that Iroh was a shameless skirt-chaser himself in his youth.

I have not actually seen Lu Ten yet today. To be perfectly truthful, I have been avoiding him since the letter arrived, because I just _know_ he will be insufferably smug about his victory over me. I especially have no wish to encounter him in the company of the girl!

…

I had thought I was finished writing for the day, but I was mistaken. I ran into Lu Ten after all, and he wanted to talk about the letter from his father. Apparently, Iroh did not send both of us the same message! His advice to his son was _also_ to "ease off," and not to be so sure that he is truly in love at this stage of life, and _especially_ to be gentle with the feelings of any girl he might take an interest in. (Lu Ten also mentioned something about a poem.) I strongly suspect that Iroh meant for us to compare notes in this way, and realize that in a sense both of us have been right, and also wrong.

In any case, I still think it would be prudent to investigate the eligible young ladies among the nobility. In only a few years, Lu Ten will be of age to marry, and _that_ whole process will go much more smoothly if he already has someone in mind.


	79. Chapter 79

12th Day, 9th Month, Year of the Rooster (Azulon 70)

Azula's behavior has taken a turn that quite disturbs me. The storm finally ended last night, and the cloud cover broke this afternoon, so I let the children out into the Lotus Garden to play for a few hours. When I went to call them back in, I found Azula crouched near a hedge, so I drew in closer to see what she was up to. She had firm hold of a butterfly that must have been grounded by the rain. I was about to call to her to be gentle, when she grasped one of its wings and tore it off!

"Azula!" I scolded her at once, causing her to drop the poor creature. I was so shocked that I was rendered inarticulate for the next few seconds, but when I found my tongue, I seized her by the arm. "What on Earth were you thinking of, to do such a thing?"

"I just wanted to see what would happen," she said, pointing to where the butterfly was fluttering helplessly on the ground. "Look, Mom! Do you think it will die of the wound before a bird eats it?"

"I don't know, and that is beside the point," I said. "That was a _terrible_ thing to do, Azula. Terrible and cruel. You must never do such a thing again, do you hear me?"

"But it's only a bug."

"Nonetheless, it is a living thing, and you ought to be respectful. Think about how much it would hurt if someone pulled _your _arm off."

She thought for a moment, but then said with a self-satisfied air, "They couldn't do it. If anyone tried, I'd _burn_ them, and then Grandpa would have them locked up forever and ever for attacking a royal princess."

I sighed. "Go inside and go to your room and wait for me. We're not through talking about this yet." She gave me a resentful look, but obeyed. As soon as she had gone, I crushed the butterfly underfoot to end its suffering, something I _very_ much disliked doing.

I found Zuko practicing his firebending with intense concentration, as is his way. (I am proud of him for his perseverance, though I worry sometimes that he will overtax himself.) I escorted him inside, and then went to Ozai's suite to share my concerns.

"We must do something about Azula," I said. "I found her pulling the wings off a butterfly. She said she wanted to see what would happen."

"It sounds like normal childish curiosity to me," he responded, undaunted.

"It's not that she did it in the first place that troubles me," I said. "It was the way she responded when I scolded her. She didn't even care that she had hurt it, and she completely dismissed the idea that _she_ could be hurt. I don't know how to make her understand. Will you please speak to her? She respects you more."

"I'll certainly tell her she's not to talk back to you," he said, rising from his chair. "But I think you're taking the business with the butterfly a bit too hard. She's starting to feel her power, that's all." He took my hands and kissed my forehead. "You've always said that our children will be who they'll be, haven't you?"

"That is true," I admitted.

So it was that I returned to my own suite while my husband confronted our daughter. Several minutes later, there was a knock at my door, and the two of them were there, Azula looking slightly sullen.

"Dad says I'm to say sorry for talking back," she said with a little bow. "So…I'm sorry."

"And what else?" prompted Ozai.

"And…I won't upset you by hurting butterflies anymore."

"I'm glad to hear it," I said. And that was the end of it for the time being.

Still, I am not quite sure what to make of the whole affair. When Zuko was first learning to control his flame and I caught him chasing a sparrow-mouse and trying to burn it, I did not have any trouble making him understand why it was wrong. I had assumed that empathy comes naturally to children, with little need for teaching, once they reach a certain age. Certainly it came naturally to me. I am not sure _how_ I would go about teaching such a thing; it would be like teaching a sense of humor. Hopefully, Azula is simply a late bloomer in that regard.

* * *

_A/N: Here it is: the first real hint of Azula's emerging sociopathy. Note the weasel words: "I won't upset you by hurting butterflies." Upsetting Ursa via other means, or hurting butterflies in such a way as not to upset her (for instance, by doing it when and where she's sure not to get caught) are still fair game in her twisted little mind._


	80. Chapter 80

2nd Day, 12th Month, Year of the Rooster (Azulon 70)

Zuko's loose tooth fell out today. He came running to show me, and I took him outside to bury the tooth under a tree. "We do this so the good tree spirits will take your tooth for safekeeping," I explained, "and the bad spirits won't be able to find it and use it to do wicked things to you. Tomorrow morning, we'll come back out and see if the tree spirit liked your tooth enough to leave a thank-you present for you."

That got him interested, naturally. "What kind of present?" he asked. The missing tooth made him lisp a little, and he blushed.

"Something that only a tree spirit could come up with, of course," I said. "We'll have to wait and see exactly what it is."

Since that little bit of lisping, he has become self-conscious about his pronunciation…and his appearance, with the gap in his teeth. I almost think he is embarrassed to have lost a tooth, even though he knows it happens to everyone. No matter—he'll get used to it soon enough. And soon after that, his new tooth will grow in, making the whole thing moot.

I must go back to the tree now, and put the candy in the branches. He'll be so amazed come morning.

* * *

_A/N: There is a very old and widespread belief that an evil spirit or sorcerer can use a lost tooth, fingernail clippings, or any other discarded part of a person's body to cast terrible spells on the person. In medieval Europe, the custom was to bury a child's milk teeth in secret, in order to prevent this. The whole "Tooth Fairy" thing was probably invented to reassure children that there were also good spirits looking out for them, who would keep their precious teeth safe. The _Avatar_ version would naturally involve benevolent nature spirits._

_The candy that Ursa is going to leave in the tree for Zuko is made from fruit and nuts and wrapped in dried leaves so that it is credibly the gift of a tree spirit. I imagine certain shops selling these little packets specifically for the tooth tradition—when a child's tooth begins to get loose, the parents can go buy some without the kid's knowledge (or, in this case, send a servant to buy some) so that whenever it is that the tooth falls out, they already have it to put in the tree._


	81. Chapter 81

11th Day, 10th Month, Year of the Dog (Azulon 71)

It is certain now—Zuko _has_ been pushing himself too hard (or else Ozai has been pushing him too hard, amounting to the same thing). He fainted from exhaustion during his firebending lesson today, and hasn't had the energy to get out of bed since.

I wasn't there when it happened. I was in my sitting room reading when Azula came in and said, "Master Zhi told me to come get you. Something's wrong with Zuko." Something in her tone and expression told me it was serious, and I immediately dropped my book and began hurrying to the training room, all but dragging her along by the hand.

"What happened?" I asked her.

"I don't know. He fainted or something. It wasn't my fault!"

When we arrived, Master Zhi was tending Zuko, who was still unconscious, and very pale. The sight of him lying there gripped my heart like ice, and I all but collapsed to my knees at his side. "What happened?" I demanded. "Is he hurt? Or ill?"

"I'm not sure," Master Zhi replied. "He seemed tired, so I asked if he needed a rest break. He declined, and then suddenly fell senseless a moment later. He's not feverish, so I don't think it's illness. I've already sent for a medic from the infirmary."

I took Zuko's head into my lap and stroked his hair and cheeks, but he made no sign of waking. The medic arrived shortly thereafter, and I was obliged to relinquish my son. He felt Zuko's forehead, took his pulse from several different places, and lifted his eyelids one at a time to inspect his eyes.

"He appears to be in good health," he reported. "I would consider this an ordinary fainting spell and nothing to worry about, except that such spells do not normally last more than a few minutes." He turned to address me. "Has he been getting enough sleep recently, Your Highness? Eating well, that sort of thing?"

"As far as I know," I replied. "He hasn't complained of insomnia. And we take meals together, so I know his nutrition hasn't been lacking."

The medic mulled this over and then said, "There is one more thing that might have caused this. Permit me a moment of quiet while I examine his chi meridians."

I called Azula over and held her in my lap to keep her still while the medic did his work. His hands hovered just above Zuko's body for a few minutes before he addressed me again. "I suspected as much. His chi flow is sluggish. Clearly, some aspect of his life has been out of balance lately—if not food or sleep, then something else. What is his training schedule like?"

"His formal lessons take up two hours a day, six days a week," I said. "But he often practices independently as well."

"Two hours with or without rest periods?"

"With," said Master Zhi. "Although in the past few months, he has been so driven that he has preferred to practice straight through. In fact, just before he fainted, I offered him a break and he turned it down. This is the first time anything like this has happened, however. I thought he knew his own limitations."

"Well, there you have it," said the medic. "A simple case of overexertion, built up from slight deprivation over a long period of time. His body is finally demanding the rest that he has been denying it for these past few months. He should recover quickly, Your Highness. The best thing to do now is put him to bed and let him sleep as long as he needs to. Don't try to wake him—let him wake up naturally. It might also be wise to keep him from doing anything strenuous for a day or two. If he is at all listless tomorrow, have an acupressurist look him over and clear up any blockages. And be mindful of his general health in the near future—inhibited chi can invite illness, as I'm sure Your Highness is aware."

"Yes," I said. "Thank you so much." I gathered Zuko into my arms—he felt very heavy because he was so limp, but it already seemed to me as though he were merely deeply asleep, rather than ailing. The medic bowed and went off, and I turned to Master Zhi. "Master Zhi, I don't suppose there's any point in continuing the lesson for Azula today?"

"Probably not, ladyship," he replied. "I do apologize for this—I should have realized he would do himself harm."

"I don't blame you," I told him. "I only ask that you be more insistent about making him take rest breaks in the future."

"I certainly shall."

"And, if you would be so good, please send word to my husband about all this."

"Of course, Your Highness."

"Come on, Azula," I said. She sighed and frowned, but dutifully fell into step beside me.

A little later on, she asked, "Are you gonna make Zuko take medicine?"

"No," I replied. "He's not sick, exactly, just very, very tired."

"I _never_ get sick," she said rather smugly. Although I did not care for her boastful tone, I must admit that she is right—I cannot remember the last time she had anything more serious than a head cold or upset stomach.

"Aren't you the lucky one," I said. By then we had reached Zuko's suite. "Do me a favor, dear, and go get the book I dropped in my sitting room."

She did—without complaint, to my mild surprise—and I told her to leave it on Zuko's nightstand while I tucked him into bed.

"When's he gonna wake up?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. "He might sleep through the night; he needs to catch up on his rest. I'm going to sit with him for now—why don't you go play?"

She went off, and I picked up my book and continued my reading. Some time later—certainly more than an hour, but not quite two—Zuko began sighing and shifting in his sleep. Remembering what the medic had said, I resisted the urge to try waking him, and several minutes after that, I heard his voice, sounding weak and plaintive: "Mom?"

"I'm right here, darling," I said. "Everything's all right. How do you feel?"

"Tired," he said, looking confused.

"Do you know what happened?"

"I guess not. I thought I was in training."

"You fainted during Master Zhi's lesson," I said. "He tells me you haven't been taking enough rest breaks. I know you want to work hard and do well, Zuko, but you also have to take care of yourself. Promise me you'll take a break when he tells you to, all right?"

"I'm sorry," said Zuko. "It's just that…it's not _fair_."

"What's not fair?"

"Azula always gets everything right on the first try, and I try and try and still don't get it all the way right, and I'm _older_!"

Oh, Zuko," I said, ruffling his hair. "You'll figure it out. I believe in you."

"Dad doesn't," he said tearfully. "He says I must not be trying hard enough—but I am! I try hard, all the time! Why is Azula so much better than me?"

"She's not better than you," I said quickly. "Maybe she finds firebending easier than you do, but there's more to life than just firebending. You have your own talents. You don't have to be just like Azula. I like you for who _you_ are." I hugged and kissed him. "Try to get some more rest. I'll bring you supper when it's ready."

"Okay, Mom. And Mom? I really am sorry. I'll make sure to take breaks from now on."

"Don't worry about it for now," I said. "We'll talk when you're feeling better. Have a good rest, my darling son."

There is little else to say for the time being. Zuko has been in and out of wakefulness for the rest of the day. I have not been able to speak to my husband, and I must make sure to pin him down tomorrow. There is so much to discuss.

* * *

_A/N: The designation "medic" here should not be taken as meaning exactly the same thing that it does in our world. The level of professional training I want to get across is something along the lines of a nurse-practitioner—somewhere between a nurse and a fully qualified doctor. Several such people have full-time employment at the Palace infirmary in case of mishaps, and more specialized doctors can be called in if need be. __I also want to point out that Azula's behavior at the beginning of the chapter, while consistent with her callousness, is also very typical of young children in general. "It's not my fault" might as well be the rallying cry of childhood._


	82. Chapter 82

12th Day, 10th Month, Year of the Dog (Azulon 71)

Zuko got up at his normal time today, but he was lethargic all through breakfast, and so I sent him back to bed as soon as he had finished eating and then put out the call for an acupressurist. She arrived a little after mid-morning: a very short, round old woman who asked to be called Mother Chen. She asked me a great many questions about Zuko, his condition, and what led up to it before she would even go in to see him. Then she asked _him_ a few questions:

"When you say you feel tired, young prince, what sort of tired is it? Tired like you want to go to sleep, or tired like you've been running for a few minutes, or tired like you've been walking all day?"

"Um…a little bit all of those," he replied.

"I see. And do you have any pains anywhere?"

"No."

"I see. And do you feel like you might be catching a cold or anything like that?"

"No."

"Very good. Now, turn over onto your stomach—yes, just like that. Let's see where the problem is."

I was impressed by Mother Chen's skill—she passed one hand up Zuko's torso and then down again, and that was all she needed. "Aha, there's the trouble! Now hold very still, Your Highness. You'll feel a little jab—it won't hurt, I promise—and then a tingly feeling, and by tomorrow you'll be back to your old energetic self."

"Okay," he said. Then Mother Chen punched a point near his spine with her fingertips, and he started and arched his back, lifting his head off his pillow. "Oh!" he cried, shivering a little. "That felt…weird!"

"It's supposed to," said Mother Chen with a wink at me. "That's your chi flow returning to normal now that I've removed the blockage. It'll take a little while to get through to your whole body, though, so try to take things easy today, Your Highness."

"Do I have to stay in bed?" he asked, rolling back over.

"That shouldn't be necessary. But you should do only quiet things. Read a book, or paint a picture, or just sit outside and enjoy the breeze. Anyway, I should be getting back to the clinic now. Take care of yourself, young prince."

I reminded Zuko to thank her politely for her help, and he did, bowing as best he could while sitting up in bed. I told Mother Chen where to go to collect her fee, and then sat down beside my son.

"How do you feel now?"

His yawn was as good as a reply. "I think I want to take a nap," he said.

"That sounds like a marvelous idea," I said. "I'll come back later with some lunch. If you wake up before then, find something quiet to do, like Mother Chen said."

"Okay, Mom," he said, lying back down. I'm sure he was asleep before I had quite left the room.

I thought that had settled it, but after a time, Azula came to me saying "Mo-om," in that wretched singsong tone of voice that children use. "I just thought you should know, Zuko's firebending in his room."

"Azula, no one likes a tattletale," I said.

"Well, he is. Isn't he supposed to be lying down?"

"That's enough out of you. Can't you find something better to do than spying on your brother?"

But of course I had to go see what she was talking about. And sure enough, as I approached Zuko's suite, it sounded like he was jumping around inside. As soon as I stepped inside his antechamber, that noise stopped, and I got to his bedroom just in time to see him hastily re-arranging his bedclothes on top of himself.

"I heard noises," I said. "Zuko, were you firebending in here?"

"No," he said at once. But he was obviously lying.

"Don't tell lies," I scolded him. "I heard you. You were told not to do anything strenuous today. Why did you disobey?"

He turned his face away and mumbled something into his pillow.

"What was that?" I demanded. "Look at me when I'm talking to you."

He turned back to me, and I could see the tears starting. "It's not fair!" he complained for the second time in as many days. "Azula's still going to have her lesson today and I'll _never_ catch up if I can't practice!"

"Zuko, it was practicing too hard that got you into this situation in the first place," I sighed. "Stop comparing yourself to Azula. Just do your best and take care of yourself. Do you want to get sick?"

"No," he said. "I just want to be a good firebender."

"Darling, you _are_ a good firebender. You work hard at it, and that's the most important thing."

"But it's so easy for Azula! Why is it so hard for me?"

"Well, the two of you are different. That's all there is to it. But look at it this way: if she doesn't have to practice, then she doesn't get as many chances to learn, now does she? There is such a thing as _too_ easy, you know."

He fell silent and dropped his gaze, and I knew then and there that he did not believe me, and that he would never be satisfied with his own performance unless he could manage to stop judging himself by his sister's example. I kissed him on the head, told him again to take it easy for the day, and hurried to find my husband.

Ozai was in his own chambers, and was not surprised to see me. "How is Zuko doing?" he asked.

"Well enough," I said. "The acupressurist says he should be back to normal tomorrow, if he rests today. It's about him that I wish to speak with you. Him and Azula both."

"If it's about their training, there's little enough to be said," he said rather curtly. "She far excels him."

"And they both know it," I said. "At least Zuko does…and he thinks he is in competition with Azula."

"What of it?" said Ozai. "It's good that they should compete with each other; it will make them both stronger."

"Don't you see, though? It's _not_ making Zuko stronger. It's making him weaker, because he spends more of himself than he can spare trying to match Azula. That's why he collapsed yesterday—he's been exhausting himself trying to train up to her level. This can't go on."

He was silent for a long moment. Then he finally said. "You're right. They shouldn't train together anymore. Not with such a disparity in their skills. Perhaps it's time we enrolled Azula at the Girls' Academy. There's plenty of time to arrange everything before the winter term begins."

At the time, I wasn't sure how to feel about that suggestion. "She's only five. Do you think she can handle staying away from home for weeks at a time?"

"I'm sure of it. Her age is immaterial. She's a prodigy—the challenge will do her good. And it will do Zuko good not to be reminded every day of how far he lags behind her."

"I will certainly consider it," I said. By then, of course, it was getting close to lunchtime, so I ended the conversation and went about my business.

Over the course of the afternoon, I have warmed up to the idea of sending Azula to the Royal Fire Academy. As precocious as she is, there is no reason why she shouldn't thrive there, even at her age. And—I am almost ashamed to admit this, even in my diary, but it is the truth—there is a part of me that will be relieved to be rid of her immediate presence. I am coming to realize, as dreadful as it sounds, that I don't like my daughter very much. I still love her, of course, as much as I love Zuko, but her temperament is so different from my own…we have very little in common.

Before I retire, I will send a message to my husband, letting him know of my decision. Then we can set the process in motion tomorrow morning.


	83. Chapter 83

5th Day, 12th Month, Year of the Dog (Azulon 71)

Today was every bit as exciting and emotional as I had anticipated. Azula looked both adorable and elegant in her new school uniform, with the mark of rank on her collar. (She'll be the only one in the Academy with that mark!) For once, she didn't squirm while I made sure she was well-scrubbed and that her topknot was securely bound.

We didn't get going nearly as early as we would have liked, and heavy traffic in the streets made for a slow trip. Rather than issuing a make-way command, Ozai took advantage of the time to give Azula some last-minute words concerning her new life.

"Always remember the badge you wear on your collar. It marks you as a royal princess, and you are expected to behave accordingly at all times. You will show the utmost respect to all your teachers, regardless of the subject they teach."

"Yes, Daddy," she said obediently.

"You are also to be respectful toward your classmates, regardless of their origins. You must do nothing that would reflect badly on our family."

"Yes, Daddy."

"By the same token, you must not permit them to disrespect _you_. If any of your classmates fails to show you the honor due your station, do not hesitate to correct her. But do not overdo things—a hard glance and a stern word should be sufficient."

"Yes, Daddy."

"But don't hold yourself apart from the other girls entirely," I put in. "You want to make friends, don't you?"

"I guess so," she said. It occurred to me then that she has had far too little contact with other children her own age. So her education at the Academy will be good for her in that respect as well.

When we arrived, Ozai met with the school administrators to make sure all the paperwork was in order, and I took Azula into the assembly hall to meet the other girls being signed up for the winter term. There were at least two scores of them, most closer in age to Azula than I had expected. Some were with parents or other chaperones, but at least half had already been left to their own devices, and were forming little knots of conversation or running about and laughing. As I was taking in the crowd, I spotted none other than Lady Haku! Little Mai was with her, looking very different now that she is out of babyhood: fair-skinned and thin-featured. She was staying close to her mother and glancing around shyly.

Of course I went at once to great my old friend. She did not seem as surprised to see me as perhaps I had hoped, but then she may have been half-expecting that Azula would also be enrolled.

"Mai," she said crisply, "this is Princess Ursa and her daughter, Princess Azula. You probably don't remember, but we stayed with them when you were a baby. Now, how do we greet princesses?"

Mai made a beautiful deep bow and said, quietly but with perfect enunciation, "It gives me great pleasure to see you, Your Highnesses."

"It is very nice to see you too, Mai," I said. "What a graceful young lady you are becoming. Haku, why don't we catch up and let the girls meet some of their other classmates?"

"Of course, Ursa," she said. "Go with Princess Azula, Mai. Remember your manners when you talk to others."

The two of them trotted off. "Do you have problems getting her to behave?" I asked.

"No," Haku sighed, "but it never hurts to remind them, especially in a new situation. To tell the truth, I've been dreading this. She needs her education, but I'm so afraid that she'll run amuck without me here to guide her. And then what will everyone think of us?"

"I suppose everyone worries about how their children reflect on them," I said, thinking of Ozai's earlier lecture. "But what of you, Haku? We've been out of touch for so long."

"I'm doing quite well, thank you," she said. "My husband is making plenty of contacts among the military and upper nobility. If he plays his tiles right, he will earn a governorship by the end of next year."

"Give him my congratulations," I said. "And perhaps I can put in a good word with the Fire Lord on your behalf." Just then, my husband approached.

"There's little enough for us to do here," he said. "We'd best be going. Where is Azula?"

We found her and Mai speaking to a third girl in the back of the hall. This girl was nearly the opposite of Mai in appearance—round-cheeked and very noticeable by the bright pink ribbons she wore in her long, braided hair. As we got closer, I saw that her face was streaked as though she had been crying, but she was smiling and giggling now. My heart went out to her at once.

Azula spotted us as soon as we drew close. "Hi, Dad and Mom. This is Ty Lee. Her parents are the Lord and Lady of Shuku. Me and Mai and Ty Lee are going to be friends."

"That's wonderful, Azula," I said. "You've only just gotten here and you're already making friends. It's nice to meet you, Ty Lee."

Ty Lee made a somewhat over-exuberant bow of greeting and said, "It's very nice to meet you too, Princess Ursa!" She sniffled slightly and wiped her nose on her sleeve.

"Why, Ty Lee, have you been crying?" I asked.

"Yes, a little," she said. "I got scared after my sister left, but Azula and Mai found me and cheered me up. That was my oldest sister, Ty Ling. She brought me today. I have four other sisters, and my mom's having another baby in the spring." She made a pout. "I hope this one's a brother."

Azula rolled her eyes. "Brothers are _boring_. Trust me. I have a brother, and he's nothing but a big sissy,"

"None of that, Azula," said Ozai. "Remember what I told you about giving a good impression of our family. That means not speaking badly of us…of _any_ of us."

"Sorry, Dad," she said.

"I can stand on my head," said Ty Lee out of nowhere. "Wanna see?"

"Perhaps some other time," said Ozai. "They'll be calling your orientation assembly soon, and that's not for us to attend."

I suddenly felt very sentimental, and I knelt to give my daughter a good-bye hug. "I guess we have to say good-bye, then. Be good and study hard, my sweet," I said. "And remember to write to us _every week_, like I told you."

"O-_kay_, Mom," she said, squirming in my arms. I released her, and she bowed to Ozai and said, "I promise to make you proud, Dad."

"I know you will," he smiled, setting a hand on her shoulder.

Then it was really time for us to leave, for the staff members were arriving and rolling out mats in the front of the hall. I hugged Azula once more, and all but walked backwards as we exited so that I could keep her in my sight as long as possible. The last I saw of her was that she was leading her two new friends by the hand to sit together for the assembly.

Naturally, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her all day. She seemed fine while Ozai and I were still there, but I can't help but wonder whether, like little Ty Lee, she took fright after we left. Will she be able to sleep tonight? Will she have bad dreams? Will she remember to write, like I asked?

I must tell myself that she will be all right. Azula has always been confident and resilient, ever since she was old enough to have a personality of her own. I know she does not want to disappoint her father, and I dare to trust that she does not want to disappoint me either.

* * *

_A/N: I had hoped to get this out sooner, but I had teeth pulled last week, and it cut into my writing time. The next one should come along faster._


	84. Chapter 84

_A/N: Thanks to everyone who expressed their concern over my tooth extractions. It wasn't fun by any means, but it wasn't too bad—Novocaine is a wonderful invention._

* * *

10th Day, 12th Month, Year of the Dog (Azulon 71)

Azula's first letter from school arrived today. I have pasted it onto the facing page so that it will not get lost. Now that I have heard from her, and she has no real complaints, I feel much better about the whole affair of her being away from home.

Zuko is also doing better, now that he is not sharing his firebending lessons with Azula. According to Master Zhi, he is progressing no more quickly than before, but he no longer feels so bad about it, and is maintaining a more balanced schedule of practice and rest. He is still driven to succeed, of course—that seems to be an indelible part of who he is—but he is now more comfortable defining success on his own terms, rather than on his sister's.

I must remember to thank Ozai for thinking of this solution to the children's rivalry.

…

Dear Father and Mother,

I am riting like Mom asked me to. I am good. Scool is not scary, it is fun. At ferst they put me in a room by myself, it is called a dormer tree, but I said I wold like to have my new frends Mai and Ty Lee with me and Hedmisstres mooved them.

My classes are Firebending and Generl Exsersize and Histery and Poetry and Ettikett. Firebending is the best. Our teecher is Generl Yee, she is a retird Generl. She used to no Uncle. Poetry is borring but we have too do it to be well rownd members of the noblety.

I will rite agan next week. I have to stop now becos it is almost time for flames out, that meens go to bed.

Your dawter,

Princess Azula

* * *

_A/N: Writing as a small child would write is pretty challenging. It's not a matter of forgetting correct spelling and grammar so much as it is a process of deciding, one word and phrase at a time, whether to use correct spelling and grammar or not. Azula does better than many five-year-olds would, I think._


	85. Chapter 85

2nd Day, 3rd Month, Year of the Pig (Azulon 72)

Azula will be home for her term break any minute now. I can't wait to see her. Even though it has been only a few months, I keep imagining that she'll have grown several inches.

Ozai wants to have her do a firebending demonstration for the Fire Lord, to show off all she has learned so far. He has not admitted it in as many words, but I am sure he is hoping that her skill will reflect favorably back upon him. He has not given up his determination to use her as an example of how well a second child can do when properly nurtured and supported. I only hope that he remembers to respect her as her own person as well…and that he does not forget about Zuko.

I've just been told that Azula's carriage has arrived at the Palace. I shall finish this entry this evening.

…

Azula performed marvelously well for a child of her age. I am of course no expert, but I could not find any flaw in her form. Her power is not well developed yet and her flames are weak, but her mastery of the maneuvers is nothing short of prodigious. No doubt when her power increases, she will be a wonder to behold. It is obvious to me that she has been diligent in her training. I am so proud of her.

Unfortunately, her demonstration did not have quite the effect that my husband was hoping for. Azulon was impressed all right…but his admiration was focused only on Azula herself. As soon as the audience was over, Ozai retreated to his own quarters in a black mood and refused to see or speak to anyone for the rest of the evening. I have long since grown used to his little fits of temper and have not taken it to heart, but Azula is confused and bothered by her father's sudden withdrawal. I think she is afraid it is her fault for not performing even better than she did, and though I have tried to reassure her otherwise, she is not convinced.

As soon as Ozai has calmed down enough to admit visitors again, I shall certainly have words with him! I am beginning to fear that he is losing sight of the children—and perhaps of me—as people in our own right, and seeing us more as tools or accessories to improve his reputation and image. If that is true, then it absolutely must be nipped in the bud. I _will not_ have my children dehumanized in such a fashion.

* * *

_A/N: Happy Solstice, everyone! And since I probably won't update again before then, have a Merry Christmas too._


	86. Chapter 86

3rd Day, 3rd Month, Year of the Pig (Azulon 72)

I have finally managed to bring my trembling under control enough that I may write legibly, and I only hope I am also able to write logically. My conversation with my husband has left me in such a state…_frightened_ may not be the right word, but I am certainly shocked, and even dismayed.

Perhaps I should not even be writing this entry. He did swear me to secrecy, after all, and if the wrong eyes should discover my diary…but no, I must write. I must make some record, so that I may be sure it really happened.

Ozai was still withdrawn into his own quarters this afternoon, and I decided that I could not wait any longer to speak with him. I'm afraid I was brusquer with his valet than the poor man deserved, but I was not about to be brushed off. Despite being told that Ozai still wished to see no one, I insisted upon being announced, and then listened at the door like a little girl, and when I heard my husband tell his manservant to send me away, I simply barged in.

"I will not accept that," I said, more calmly than I felt. "Ozai, how long will you hide in here from your family? You embarrass all of us."

"And you," he said gruffly, "are trespassing. How dare you intrude like this?"

"I dare because you drive me to it," I said. "Your children miss you. Your daughter thinks you are angry with her—what shall I tell her?"

He sighed. "Leave us," he told his valet, who quietly retreated. Then he fixed me with a stare that I could not quite interpret; there seemed to be anger and pain and yearning all mixed up together in it. "And what shall I tell you, Ursa? What will satisfy you?"

"The truth," I told him. "Why _are_ you so angry, and at whom, and why make the innocent suffer for it? As far as I can see, you have suffered nothing worse than a little disappointment. You have no reason to sulk in your bedchamber for days on end."

He turned away from me rather swiftly and clutched at the backrest of his desk chair, and I could see his knuckles tightening and loosening upon it. But he did not speak, and after a moment of this tense silence, I continued, more anxiously than before.

"By all the spirits, Ozai, what is wrong with you? Every time you have one of these turns, I feel as though I no longer know you."

"My troubles are my own," he said. "Do not concern yourself so much."

"I _will_ concern myself!" I found myself shouting. "I cannot help but concern myself, don't you see? Because I _love_ you!"

Something very strange happened just then. In the instant I began to say that I loved him, I did not know whether it was true or not. It merely seemed the thing to say. But in the next instant, as I finished saying it, it was most certainly true…as though saying it caused it to _become_ true. I do not have words to properly express the profundity of that moment. It was as though the entirety of my marriage to Ozai had been building up to that simple declaration.

In any case, he must have felt it as well, for he slowly turned back to me, his face registering something akin to dazed anguish. "Do you…?" he said.

"Yes," I replied, with a conviction that astonished even me. "I love you. And our children _adore_ you. Look around you, Ozai. We have everything we could possibly need—what more do you want? _Why_ are you so dissatisfied?"

He removed his hand from the chair back and began to advance upon me, slowly. His gaze was suddenly so intense as to be almost menacing, and it was all I could do not to back away. When he had closed the gap between us, he raised both his hands and took hold of my shoulders. "Shall I tell you?" he said quietly. "Can I _trust_ you? Ursa, will you swear to speak of this to no one?"

I immediately swore, not so much for my own sake as for his, for I could see that the terrible pressure of his secret would make him ill or mad if he kept it bottled up. Even then, it was some time before he spoke further.

"I want the throne," he said, in a tone scarcely above a whisper. "I want to be my father's heir."

I could not think of a thing to say in reply, and so I remained silent. Suddenly he was shouting—not at me, I shouldn't think, but as a general rail against what he perceived as the injustice of his situation. "Why should it go to Iroh? Because he is the elder? Age has nothing to do with merit, and our children are the proof!"

"You may be right about that," I said, doing my best to sound composed and rational, "but nonetheless it will go to your brother—"

"Success is spoiling him, making him soft," my husband muttered.

"—and we can do nothing to change it," I finished. "Why dwell upon it? You'll only make yourself miserable, pining after something you cannot have."

"Are you so sure I cannot have it?" he challenged me. "Perhaps there is something we can do to change it, you and I."

"What do you mean?" I asked, feeling rising alarm.

"Nothing so terrible as you must imagine," he said, lifting one hand to brush my cheek. "Help me, Ursa. Help me gain my father's favor. He thinks little enough of me as it stands, but you…he respects you. I have never heard him say a word against you. And the children…Ursa, don't you see? With you by my side, I can accomplish anything, even this."

"Even overturning the laws of primogeniture, you mean," I said, shaking my head. "Ozai, you can't possibly…it would be nearly _treason_!"

"You are being melodramatic," he said. "Persuading the Fire Lord to change his mind, even on a serious matter, is not treason."

"Perhaps not…" I agreed. "But I don't like it. It feels disloyal."

"Disloyal to whom? To my father? To my brother? You are married to neither of them. You are _mother_ to neither of them, either."

Upon hearing that, I met his eyes again. "What does that mean? Are the children in danger?"

"Of course not," he said. "But neither are they as well off as they could be. What kind of life will they have, if Iroh becomes Fire Lord? They'll probably be sent to govern the Earth Kingdom colonies as soon as they're grown. That's practically exile."

"Iroh would not do such a thing to them if they were not amenable," I said, but the supreme confidence I had felt earlier was rapidly leaving me.

"Please promise me you'll at least think about it," said Ozai gently. "If it troubles you so, do not think of it as convincing my father to change his will…think of it as helping me to repair my reputation with him, and let things develop as they may from there. I have no wish to cause you grief. Not the woman who…loves me."

"Yes," I said. "I will think about it."

"And you will reveal this conversation to no one?"

"Of course. I already swore, didn't I? I should go now."

I hurriedly left his chambers, and as soon as I was outside in the hall, I burst into tears. Fortunately, the fit didn't last long and no one saw me. As soon as I had regained control of myself, I rushed back to my own suite in order to write.

So there—it is written. But I still feel no better about it than when I began. I have known for years that my husband was jealous of his brother, but I never imagined that he would seek to supplant him as Heir Apparent! It is so brazen of him…do I dare assist him in his ambition? Do I dare _not_ to? To whom is my greatest loyalty? Why must my loyalties be divided?

If he succeeds (I will not yet think, if _we_ succeed), then I shall be Fire Lady…and, in all likelihood, Empress of the world within the decade. But I do not think I want so much out of life. Up until now I have been perfectly content as a princess; indeed, if anything I have sometimes wished I were not quite so high in rank, so that my burden of responsibility would be less severe.

Nor has it escaped my realization that, should Ozai become Fire Lord, then Zuko, my dear son, will follow him to the throne. What mother does not want to see her child upon the very pinnacle of success? But of course he is not the only boy in this household to whom I have a duty of affection—how could I do anything that might take Lu Ten's birthright from him?

I have promised Ozai that I will think about this, and so I shall. But I fear now that, whatever I decide, I will be betraying someone.

_

* * *

A/N: Wow, this wound up longer than I expected! I don't anticipate the next chapter will be much shorter…and I know it's going to be, if anything, even more dramatic and emotional. I hope you are all enjoying this story arc—it's a bit of a nail-biter to write._


	87. Chapter 87

_A/N: Just as a fair warning, this chapter contains a description of domestic violence—nothing protracted or gruesome, but it **is** pretty intense, and might trigger you if you are sensitive to that sort of thing._

5th Day, 3rd Month, Year of the Pig (Azulon 72)

I have put it off long enough—it is time for me to go and tell my husband what I have decided concerning his ambition. If only I were more certain that it was the right choice…but it _is_ a choice, and I have made it, and I will move forward, come what may.

…

I am utterly baffled by how calm I feel, after all that transpired after I went in to speak to Ozai. Indeed, I am almost certain that at any moment, it will all hit me, and I will break down and be unable to continue writing.

It started so simply—I met him in his suite, and we shared some mild sake at his small table before I delivered my message: "I am sorry to say this, my lord husband, but I must refuse your request. It is a matter of conscience."

"I see," he said coldly. "So much for 'love,' then, am I right?"

"No!" I said, rising from my seat. "Were you not listening? It is a matter of _conscience_! And of caution, also—what if the attempt should fail? Your father would be furious, and what would become of us then? I love you dearly, but I will not…" I grasped hold of my composure before it fled, and re-took my seat. "I will gladly help you to restore your father's esteem in you. But I will not do so deceptively, or with an ulterior motive. You must be worthy of it, and you must seek it for its own sake, not because you wish to upend the succession and usurp your brother's place!"

Then it was he who stood, glaring at me with narrowed eyes. "Beware, woman," he said. "You are treading on dangerous ground, making such accusations."

"It's true, isn't it? You aspire to take the throne when it is not yours to take. If you don't like the word for it, that's not my fault."

Yes—as I predicted, I've just had to weep for a few moments, hence the poorer quality of my brushstrokes here. And no wonder, for what happened next was the beginning of one of the most horrific experiences of my life.

Suddenly, the table seemed to explode out from under me—Ozai had kicked it with such ferocity that two of the legs shattered upon its landing. Everything that had been sitting upon it went flying and broke also, and for a few brief seconds I was aware of nothing but the hideous noise and chaos. When it had ended, I found that I had leapt to my feet again, surely more out of fright than anything else. I tried to meet Ozai's eyes and flinched at what I saw: an expression of pure wrath, even to the smoke that was beginning to trickle from his mouth with every exhalation. His face was so twisted that he looked wholly unlike himself; it was as though he were wearing an opera-mask portraying the visage of a demonic spirit. My shock was so great that I could find no words, and so I merely stood where I was and stared.

"I hope you are paying attention," said Ozai. "It could just as easily have been you, Ursa…and so help me, it _will_ be, if you do not fall into line!"

At first, of course, I was utterly horrified, for he has never outright threatened me before! But my dread was very shortly overcome by outrage at the sheer _audacity_ of it all. "Fall into line," I repeated softly. Then the fury came upon me. "_Fall_ into _line_? Where do you get the _nerve_ to order me about like that?"

The smoke grew thicker. "It is my right! My right as your—"

"As my husband?" I interrupted. "You know better than that."

"No," he said. "It is my right as your _prince_. Never forget that you come by your exalted title through our marriage. The claim to royal blood is _mine_. Up until now, it has pleased me to indulge—"

"_Stop!_" I heard myself shout. "You are too arrogant, Ozai. I do not need _your_ permission to live as I please. You know perfectly well that my heritage is as lofty as yours! _You_ are the one who forgets!"

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I should not have said them. Shortly after we married, I promised him that I would never allow my grandfather to become a point of contention between us, and it shames to have broken that promise. But at the time, I only thought to use every possible weapon at my disposal. Ozai's decision to pull rank on me felt like a vicious attack, warranting an equally vicious defense.

But I have been able to think these things only in retrospect. At the time, I was driven by impulse. I had no time for deep reflection after speaking, either, for my husband's response was immediate…and violent!

There was no grace in it at all—he lunged at me like a wild beast, roaring wordlessly, and struck at me with his fist afire. I ducked to the side and received only a glancing blow that singed my sleeve and bruised my flesh, but in the process I stumbled and fell, landing hard on my hip and elbow. It hurt, of course, but the pain was nothing compared to the sheer terror—I was convinced that he meant to kill me! I threw my other arm up, fully expecting another attack, and when none came, I looked up to see Ozai backing away slowly, still breathing fire and smoke, his expression just as feral as before, but much altered: hunted now, rather than predatory.

It was all too much for me. I began to feel faint, and I suppose I _did_ faint for a moment, because I suddenly found myself lying full-length on the floor where I had fallen. No further harm had come to me that I could discern, and I was alone in the room. It was another moment or so before I felt strong enough to get to my feet. I could not imagine where Ozai might have gone and why, but lingering fear of him prevented me from calling his name—instead, I fled his chambers altogether, making as little sound as I could manage.

For several minutes after that, I wandered the halls in something of a daze, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Eventually it occurred to me to wonder again where Ozai had gone. I was seized with the horror that, having lashed out at me, he might next go after the children, and I broke into a full-speed run back toward our wing of the Palace. Along the way, I encountered a small group of guards, who, as it turned out, had been looking for me.

"We'll give you a few moments to catch your breath, Your Highness," said the senior man, "but then we are to escort you directly to the throne room. The Fire Lord has summoned you."

"Please…my children…" I said.

"They are safe, Your Highness," he said. "They are already in the Fire Lord's presence."

It dawned on me that the Fire Lord had already been alerted to the row between Ozai and me—probably by Ozai's valet—and that he considered it so serious, he had called for an immediate hearing to resolve the matter. I was painfully reminded of the fight we had seven years ago when I scalded my husband's face with breakfast tea, and what came of it, and it was with dread that I walked into the throne room.

I was not surprised to see my husband there already, off to one side of the center, flanked by a pair of nervous-looking guards. The children were with Su-Lin—and still more guards—on the other side. All eyes were on me as I entered, but I made no acknowledgement of anyone but the children at first—I broke from between my escorts and ran to them.

"Are you okay, Mom?" Zuko whispered. "They said Dad _hit_ you!"

"Be still, Prince Zuko," said the Fire Lord. "That is precisely what we are all here to ascertain. Princess Ursa, are you injured?"

"No, Sire," I said. "At least, it is nothing worth speaking of—only a few bruises."

"For the purposes of this hearing, _everything_ is worth speaking of," he said. "How did you come by these bruises?"

I glanced at Ozai, who was gazing blankly into space with an expression of mixed rage and misery. It was the same expression I have often seen Zuko use when he has been caught misbehaving and knows he will be punished. Some misbehavior! Had I not been the victim of it, I might have pitied him.

"My husband struck me," I reported. "I moved to dodge the blow, and was only partially successful…I lost my balance and fell."

"And what caused him to strike you?"

"We were having an argument," I said. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ozai make a startled movement, and I remembered that I had promised not to speak of our conversation two days ago. And despite everything, I could not find it in myself to break my word. "I can't even remember what the topic was, or how it began. It must have been some foolish spat."

"I see," said Azulon. "And what have you to say for yourself, Prince Ozai—you, who allowed a 'foolish spat' to escalate into violence against your wife?"

"What can I say?" said Ozai. "Father, I swear I bear her no ill will. I lost control of my temper, nothing more."

"It is my opinion," the Fire Lord said sternly, "that one cannot lose what one has never had. You have _always_ displayed a lamentable lack of control over your temper, and I have no more patience to wait for you to correct this failing. Stand forth and hear your punishment for this appalling behavior."

Ozai moved to the center of the hall, sparing not the slightest glance for me or for the children. It is hard for me to describe his mien: defiant, or brave, or merely resigned? It might have been any of the three.

"You will be confined to your own quarters until sundown tomorrow. In that time, you will have no contact or communication with anyone other than your manservant. At the end of that time, you will leave the Palace and the city and travel by ship to Crescent Island, where you will be under the supervision of the Fire Sages for no less than three months. During those three months, you will live as they do, spending your days in study, meditation, and asceticism. Perhaps adopting a less self-indulgent lifestyle for a while will teach you some self-control…if three months is not sufficient, we shall all wait as long as it takes. This hearing is at an end. You are all dismissed."

"Wait!" said Ozai. "Father, please…may I at least apologize to her?"

"You may present any apologies you like at your leave-taking tomorrow, if she will hear them. Your punishment begins now. I am the Fire Lord, and I have spoken."

That brings me to my current state of peculiar calm overall, interspersed with moments of what I can only call abject grief. I do not even know what it is that I am lamenting—surely not my husband's impending absence! Perhaps it is the loss of my confidence and trust in him, for even after the terrible events of today, I still love him, and I do not think I can bear to love someone whom I cannot trust. I must therefore hope and pray that he learns from his period of exile to master his passions so that this never happens again.

I have left the children in Su-Lin's care for today. I really ought to explain the situation and comfort them, but I feel I am in no fit state to do so now. It shall have to wait until tomorrow.

* * *

_A/N: Wow. Not much I can say after that, eh what? I'll just sit back and wait for the reviews to come in so I can see what all of you think!_

_And in case I don't update again before then…Happy New Year!_


	88. Chapter 88

6th Day, 3rd Month, Year of the Pig (Azulon 72)

My husband has been gone from the city for some four hours now, but his absence has not really sunk in yet. It is not unusual for me to see nothing of him between suppertime and bedtime, or to see little of him during the day, so for the most part, today has been little different from the typical.

After dressing, I went to see the children in Azula's suite, where Su-Lin had been minding both of them since last night. Zuko immediately cried out and came running up to hug me, and Azula said, "See? I told you she was okay."

"Are you two all right?" I asked, sitting down on Azula's bed so that they could sit on either side of me. "I've been worried about how what happened yesterday must be affecting you."

"I think I'm okay," said Zuko. "I just don't understand why Dad would try to hit you. I thought he cared about you."

"I think he does," I said. "He just doesn't know how to control his anger. That's why he's going to Crescent Island—to learn from the Fire Sages how to not lose his temper."

"I get it," said Azula. "It's just like when you send Zuko to his room. Only Dad's bigger, so Grandpa has to send him far away for a long time."

"That's one way of looking at it," I said, smiling a little. "I want you both to know that it's all right if you miss your father while he's gone."

"I already miss Dad," Zuko sighed. "We won't see him until he has to leave, right?"

"It doesn't bother me," said Azula. "I'm going back to school soon anyway, and when I have my next break, he'll already be home again."

There was silence for a moment, and then Azula spoke up again: "If Dad was Fire Lord, he could do whatever he wanted, huh?"

"Well…yes and no," I explained. "The Fire Lord's word is law, but if he does too many bad things that the people don't like, they won't obey him anymore. Anyway, your father won't be Fire Lord. Uncle Iroh is going to be the next Fire Lord."

Zuko giggled then, and said, "I bet he'll pass a law that everybody has to drink tea with every meal!"

Azula laughed. "Good one, Zuko! Uncle's too silly to make a good Fire Lord."

"I disagree," I said curtly, disliking the direction the conversation was taking. "Now, who's hungry for some breakfast?"

Until sunset, the day passed with an almost disturbing normality. I took the children out into the Lotus Garden so that they could play, and I could make ink paintings of the new flowers. The only unusual thing to occur was that Lu Ten found time in his ever-busier schedule to join us for lunch.

"I heard what happened yesterday, Aunt Ursa," he said. "How could I not?—the servants are gossiping about it non-stop. I wanted to make sure you were all right."

"I will be, I think," I said. "Thank you, Lu Ten. How is your training going?"

"Intense, as always," he said. "I think I'm going to have plenty of scars long before I ever go near a battlefield. Speaking of which, I have a liniment that's good for bruises, if you want to borrow it."

I found this funny for some reason, and chuckled. "No, thank you. I have my own."

"Seriously, though, this…" he went on. "I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I've always known Uncle Ozai was a hothead, even for a firebender, but I never thought he'd go this far. I always thought there was sort of a line there." He made a laughing snort. "I still remember the time I accidentally 'kidnapped' Zuko, and he threatened to beat me for it."

"Hey, I don't remember that!" Zuko protested.

"You were very little," I told him.

"How little was he?" asked Azula.

"_Tiny_," said Lu Ten, holding his thumb and forefinger about two inches apart. "Like that. I could put him in my pocket."

"Nuh-uh!" said Zuko. "You're making that up! Mom! Make him tell the truth!"

"It sounds about right to _me_," Azula taunted him.

"Oh, _yeah_? I'm not tiny; you're tiny!" said Zuko, and the two of them began chasing each other around the area.

"Young man, you are as bad as your father," I told Lu Ten, shaking my head.

"I'm flattered that you think so," he replied.

As all things must, that pleasant interlude soon passed, and at sunset, the children and I stood at the Palace gates for my husband's not-so-pleasant "sendoff." As in the throne room yesterday, he was escorted by soldiers, of which I was glad even though he no longer seemed to be boiling with rage.

I had been afraid that my own sentimentality would overrule my good sense, that my love for the man would make the parting too difficult…but as he approached, I felt a sudden surge of wariness, remembering the horror of the attack. Almost without realizing it, I pulled the children closer to me.

"Ursa," he said simply, as soon as he was close enough.

"Ozai," I responded in the same businesslike tone.

"You must know I never intended to do you harm."

"What a pity, then, that you did not do as you intended." In retrospect it seems unnecessarily cold of me, but I wanted him to be absolutely certain of my displeasure. "May you return with a better command of yourself and your actions."

Then the children said their goodbyes and promised to be good while he was away, and then the soldiers led him toward the harbor, where the ship awaited to take him to Crescent Island. I think he looked back at us once more before he was lost to sight, but between the distance and the fading light of evening, I could not be sure.

Will I miss him between now and summer? I think so. No, I must correct myself—it is not the man who took his leave today that I will miss, but the man I married, who for all his faults had never given me cause to fear him. That man I miss already, and I will pray every day that it is he who returns to me, and not the beastly creature that Ozai has become.

* * *

_A/N: This is an unusual chapter in that it hits all three main targets of the fanfic at once: it advances the overall story, it showcases Ursa's inner life and growth as a character, _and_ it has a cute little "slice of life" moment with the kids acting like, well, kids. For the record, Lu Ten is going on sixteen at this point: old enough to really start relishing his role as the elder cousin. I think the way I have presented him here is based on some of my older cousins, who would spend much of our rare visits teasing me with patent nonsense they made up off the top of their heads. Good times!_


	89. Chapter 89

10th Day, 6th Month, Year of the Pig (Azulon 72)

Ozai's return was not as momentous as I expected. It was almost as though he had been away for only a few days, and for a reason far more mundane than the actual one. When he first arrived around mid-morning, of course, he wished only to bathe and rest for a while, and had very few words for me. I could not begrudge him that…but hours went by, and it was nearly evening before he finally emerged from his quarters.

I met him in the hallway just outside his suite. I had thought to give him a warm and effulgent welcome home, but I found myself quite tongue-tied. It was the first time I had been near him with no one else around since that day three months ago, and I could not entirely suppress my sense of unease. I did not let it show, however. "So…" I managed to say. "You're back."

"Indeed," he said. "Come, walk with me."

I let him lead the way. Our destination turned out to be the Lotus Garden, and I must admit that it was a good choice, for the lotuses are in full bloom now, and there was a warm breeze all day that spread their perfume to every corner of the garden. I found I was able to relax a little.

Ozai did not speak at first, and I finally had to fill in the silence. "How was your stay with the Fire Sages?"

"Quite enlightening, actually," he said. "I have always thought that the Fire Sages were a lot of crusty old men—and they are—but they are also very learned in matters of the spirit. I have come to understand that my temper must be my servant, rather than my master. Anger can be useful, you know, if handled properly."

"I don't doubt that it can," I agreed. And indeed, there was a difference in my husband's bearing and demeanor, so subtle that I might not have noticed had I not been cued as to what to look for. The rage that has always been there, smoldering just under the surface of him, was still there, but now it felt…channeled, I suppose. Or trained and leashed, like a ferocious wild beast that has been tamed and will obey its master, if no one else. So he is not quite as he was years ago when we married. But perhaps this means he is better.

"Zuko will be done with his lessons for the day soon," I said. "He'll want to see you right away. He's been almost giddy with excitement since we got word that you were returning."

"He'll have to wait till tomorrow," said Ozai distractedly. "I'm not nearly as rested up as I'd like. I only came out this afternoon so you wouldn't think you had to wait for me indefinitely."

"Ah," I said. "In that case, perhaps we'd better head back inside now. But I insist upon spending some real time with you as soon as possible. Shall we take a fine lunch tomorrow, here in the garden? I'll tell Zuko's tutors to give him more time for his mid-day break and we can all eat together."

He did not answer right away, and when he did, his voice was oddly distant. "No…I really shouldn't. All the work I've done to master my passions could easily be undone if went and indulged them like that."

"Something smaller, then?" I suggested.

"Ursa, please," he said, pulling away from me. "Not now. I can't talk about it now…I'd better go get some more rest."

And with that, he left me, striding quickly away up the path, so that there was no question but that I should not follow. I was left feeling…not abandoned, exactly, but certainly a little deprived, and greatly confused.

Just what did those Fire Sages teach him, I wonder? Perhaps he is merely tired, as he says. I shall give him a few days to accustom himself to Palace life again, and then see if he feels more sociable.

_A/N: And you all thought the stint at the temple would have no effect on Ozai's temperament. That reaction surprised me, because it seems obvious to me that the Ozai of the series is not at all the type to lose control of his temper as such—he does despicable things out of anger or hatred, but he is quite deliberate and calculating about it._

_In other news, it looks like this thing may stretch to over 100 chapters. If it does, I might have to do something special for the 100__th__. Any ideas? _


	90. Chapter 90

_A/N: To everyone who answered my call for 100th chapter ideas with suggestions on the story content itself_…_it will be entirely dependent on where I am in the story at that point. After all, it won't be too much longer before I run headlong into actual canon backstory, which will limit my options a bit (committed as I am to not contradicting Mike and Bryan, if at all possible)._

3rd Day, 7th Month, Year of the Pig (Azulon 72)

Ozai turned down lunch _again_, making six times in a row that he has refused to spend time with Zuko and me. If it were only today, I would suppose that Azula's imminent return from school had him preoccupied, but the pattern speaks for itself. I am nearly at my wits' end—I can only assume that he is putting distance between himself and me because of something he learned with the Fire Sages, but I cannot imagine what would warrant this withdrawal.

My only clue comes from something that happened today when I went to ask him if he would lunch with us. He declined with the usual strained politeness, but when I turned to leave, he said, "Wait," and walked up within easy reach of me, not quite meeting my eyes. He lifted his hand as though he meant to brush my face, but let it drop without making contact. Then he said, "Never mind…" and allowed me to leave. He seemed faintly troubled through the whole incident, and it has me wondering: has he taken to suppressing _all_ his passions, not just his temper? Is this some subtle asceticism that he has adopted _permanently_—depriving himself of natural human affection? What purpose could such a thing possibly serve?

Of course, I remind myself, he has never been very demonstrative toward me, or toward the children. For myself, I can easily accept aloofness from him if it means I must never again fear violence. But it grieves me to think of the children, giving their all to earn his praise and love, if it will never be forthcoming. His esteem means so much to both of them; can't he see that?

Even if he can't, _I_ can, and I am resolved to assure the children that, whatever their father says and does—or does not say and does not do—_I_ love them unconditionally, and will always be here for them. And with that in mind, I ought to get to bed. Azula's coach is due to arrive in the morning, and I want to make sure her suite is in order by the time she gets here.


	91. Chapter 91

28th Day, 7th Month, Year of the Pig (Azulon 72)

It seems I have no choice now but to give up on my husband altogether…but I do not feel as devastated about it as I would have expected. I suppose there are many reasons for that, not the least of which is the gradualness of our estrangement. Though I could not discern it then, I recognize now that we have drifting apart for years…since Azula began firebending, I think. Yes, the more I think on it, the more it makes sense—he wanted a second child in order to prove his own worth as Azulon's second-born, and when it became clear how prodigiously talented she was, he must have taken it as proof of the rightness of his ambition. Since then, everything else has grown to mean less and less to him, I am nearly sure of it.

But again, I am not too distraught over it, both because it has been so long in coming, and because I can still take joy from my children. Indeed, I count myself lucky to have had what I did once have with him—many in the nobility never enjoy real passion in their marriages.

As to how I discovered that Ozai's love is a lost cause, that is simple enough: he told me so. Today I finally plucked up the courage to confront him concerning his withdrawal. After learning from his valet that he was training in the firebending arena, I hurried to arrive there before I lost my nerve. As I approached, I heard his voice, repeating the word "again" over and over, with greater sternness each time—as it happened, it was Zuko who was training, under Ozai's direction. Just as I got close enough to see them, Zuko overreached and lost his balance. He was able to catch himself and avoid falling, however.

"What is wrong with you?" Ozai demanded. "Your sister can already perform this maneuver perfectly."

I decided then to make my presence known. "I say his effort is to be commended."

Ozai fixed his eyes on me with an expression of annoyance that seemed calculated to intimidate, but I would not let myself be swayed. Finally, without dropping his gaze, he said, "That's all for today, Zuko. We'll pick up again at the same time tomorrow."

Zuko bowed and scampered off, and I approached my husband. "I hope you're not here to criticize my teaching methods," he said.

"Not as such," I replied. "I am here because I have seen far too little of you of late, and I will no longer stand for being callously brushed off. Ever since you came back from Crescent Island, you've been so…inaccessible. I feel as though I no longer know you, and I want to know what's going on. Have you lost interest in me, is that it?"

"Not exactly," he said.

"Then _what_?" I insisted.

I must have sounded a little hysterical, because Ozai took my upper arms and shook me slightly. "Come now, Ursa, enough of that. Why are you so upset?"

"How can you ask me that? It's because I _love_ you! Despite everything!"

"I see," he said, releasing me. "Poor, foolish woman…people in our position cannot afford such frivolities. Your sentimentality is a weakness, Ursa, and you would do well to rid yourself of it."

I found myself stumbling back a few steps. "So that's how it is. Well, at least now I _know_. I am sorry to have wasted your time, husband." And without waiting to hear another word, I spun about and left him.

I went at once to Zuko's suite, where—as I might have expected—I found him practicing on his own. He paused only briefly to greet me and went right back to his drill.

"Don't overexert yourself, darling," I said, remembering his fainting spell of last year.

"I won't," he said. "I'm being careful. I just want to figure out this one move. Dad said Azula already knows it."

"I heard," I said. "Like I've always said, just do your best."

He tried a few more times and then, much to his own surprise, succeeded at performing the move. "I did it!" he said, elated. "Mom, did you see? I did it!"

"That was wonderful, Zuko!" I said, opening my arms to give him a hug. "I knew you could do it. You work so hard, and now it's paying off."

"Do you think Dad will be happy now?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said, "but I'm glad _you're_ happy with your progress." Then I sighed. "Do you like training with your father? Is he a better teacher than Master Zhi?"

"No," said Zuko. Then he hurriedly added, "But he's not worse, either. I guess he's more stricter."

It seemed to me that Zuko was conscientiously avoiding saying anything against his father, so I let the matter drop. In retrospect, perhaps I should have said more, but at the time I didn't feel it worth spoiling that moment of contentment with my son. Still, it bothers me that Ozai's "teaching methods" so often involve belittling Zuko's efforts when they are not successful. It makes me wonder whether he might do better if he received more gentle encouragement.


	92. Chapter 92

12th Day, 9th Month, Year of the Rat (Azulon 73)

My writing hand is shaking slightly with excitement. Iroh is on his way home for a visit, but it is what will transpire after he leaves again that has my fingers so restless. A successful end to the war may now not be far off…but of course I should begin with the arrival of the message.

Uncharacteristically, Iroh did not see fit to inform me directly via messenger hawk. He must have a lot on his mind! He sent a letter to Lu Ten (and one to the Fire Lord, I presume), and it was Lu Ten who passed the word along to the children and me at lunch.

We were just sitting down at the table in the solarium when he came in, shaking a scroll in his hand. "Big news, Aunt Ursa," he said. "Do you mind if I join you?"

"Not at all, Lu Ten," I said. "You are always welcome to eat with us. We see so little of you these days."

"You might see even less of me soon, if Grandfather stops dragging his feet and gives me my commission," he said, indicating the scroll. "This just came from Dad. He's on his way home…but only for a month or so. After that, he's going after the big prize: Ba Sing Se!"

"That's the capital of the Earth Kingdom," said Azula. "We learned about it in school. There's a big wall all around it. Uncle will have to break it down just to get in."

"Exactly," said Lu Ten. "And once he does, we'll have won the war! I just hope Grandfather gives me my commission before Dad leaves, so I can go with him and help."

"I'm sure he will," I said. "He was very impressed with your performance at your commencement ceremony. I think he just hasn't seen the need to send you out in the field yet."

"Well, whatever his reasons, it's driving me _crazy_," said Lu Ten. "I thought I'd be heading out right after I graduated, and instead I've been hanging out for months with almost nothing to do. I don't know how you can stand it, Aunt Ursa."

"I don't think I could," I said pointedly. "But fortunately for me, I have two children, so idleness isn't a worry."

"Hey, Lu Ten," said Zuko. "If you're bored after lunch, I'll play with you. We could go in the Bamboo Garden and play hide-and-explode."

"You know what? I might just take you up on that offer. It's been ages since I enjoyed a good game of hide-and-explode."

"Lu Ten, if you _do_ go to Ba Sing Se with Uncle, does that mean you'll be a general too?" asked Azula.

"That would be pretty scary," said Lu Ten. "No, Azula, I'll only be a captain. I'll have a company of about a hundred men under my command, mostly non-benders."

"What if they all gang up on you?" Azula pressed.

"Azula, that's not polite!" I scolded her.

"No, it's a fair question," said Lu Ten. "The answer is that they would all be court-martialed for insubordination and probably sent to prison for the rest of their lives. So I don't expect any of that sort of trouble."

"How long will it take you and Uncle to get inside the city and conquer it?" wondered Zuko.

"Only the spirits know the answer to that one, kiddo," said Lu Ten.

"I hope it's not long," Zuko continued. "Maybe you can pay an earthbender to open up the wall for you."

Lu Ten laughed. "I'll be sure to suggest it to Dad when he gets here. Or better yet, you can suggest it to him, and then if it works, everyone will know it was _your_ idea that won us the war."

Zuko grinned enormously, but then Azula cut in. "It won't work. It's a sissy idea."

"Take that back!" Zuko complained. "Mom!"

"Azula!" I warned her, but she pressed on.

"You can't take over a city by _paying_ someone. It's the _army_, dum-dum, not a shopping trip."

"Azula, that's enough," I said. "Apologize to your brother, or you'll be spending the afternoon in bed."

She sighed with childish exasperation. "I'm sorry, Zuko. But I still think it won't work. I hope _that's_ allowed."

"Absolutely!" I said with artificial cheerfulness. "You may think whatever you like, but when you speak, it must be kindly and politely."

We finished our lunch shortly thereafter, and the children dragged Lu Ten away to play with them. As for myself, I considered whether or not to inform my husband about Iroh's impending return and future plans, and decided against it for the time being. As I sit here writing, I still wonder whether perhaps I ought to bring word to him…but he has always been adept and finding out what is going on without my help, and I have no desire to endure the sour mood that he will doubtlessly enter once he does find out.

_

* * *

A/N: Lu Ten gets to start his military career as a captain because he's royalty. Historically, that sort of thing was not uncommon—as recently as Victorian times, English men from the upper classes were automatically promoted to officer rank without ever having to serve as grunts._

_In case you're wondering, Azula's questions to Lu Ten aren't meant to be any creepily specific foreshadowing. They're just the sort of questions that any child might ask an older relative about to go to war, if that child were mentally fixated on power politics._


	93. Chapter 93

18th Day, 9th Month, Year of the Rat (Azulon 73)

Iroh's arrival was today, so naturally I have spent much of the day welcoming him home and catching up with him in conversation. If I were to record everything that we spoke of and did, I would soon find myself writing a novella rather than a diary entry!—so I shall take care to note only the most significant moments.

His ship docked early enough in the morning that he was able to join us halfway through breakfast. Unlike some homecomings in the past, he was well-rested and groomed and ready to spend the day with his family.

"I brought presents," he told Zuko and me. "They're with my things—I told the servants to bring them up once everything's unpacked."

"What'd you bring this time, Uncle?" Zuko asked eagerly.

"Wait and see, nephew!" Iroh chuckled. "Ursa, where is Azula? I have something for her too."

"Oh, Iroh, you just missed her," I said. "The new school term started day before yesterday."

"That's luck for you," he shrugged. "Oh, well, I'll get it to her somehow. I'll send a runner up to the Academy…or maybe I'll drop in myself and surprise her! So anyway, how are all of you doing these days?"

"Well enough," I replied.

"Hey, Uncle," said Zuko. "Guess what I'm learning from Master Zhi?"

"I have no idea; what?"

"How to do spin-kicks! And in my literature studies, I'm reading _The Book of Mountains and Wind_."

"Oh? How are you liking it?"

"It's okay, I guess. I mean, I like the fables, but why does it keep breaking off to have a bunch of poems?"

Iroh started explaining to him about the standard literary style in the Mihan Period, but was interrupted by the arrival of Lu Ten. He was carrying two rosewood boxes about the size of divan pillows. "Special delivery," he said cheerfully.

"Ah, Lu Ten, you've brought the presents," Iroh observed.

Zuko burst out giggling. "Lu Ten, you're not a servant!"

"Did someone say I was? I guess I missed something," said Lu Ten, looking slightly confused. "I took these from a guy who looked overworked enough already. Welcome back, Dad," he added as Iroh got up to greet him.

"It's great to be home, son," said Iroh, taking the boxes. He inspected them both briefly and then handed one to Zuko. "This one is for you, nephew."

It rattled slightly as Zuko accepted it, and he eagerly undid the catch and opened the lid, revealing a shallow, empty compartment. "There's nothing in here," he said, confused. "But I heard _something_…"

"It's a puzzle box!" Iroh explained, grinning enormously. "It's a treasure in itself. Of course, there _are_ other treasures inside, but you must figure out how to get at them. Have you ever played with a puzzle box before, Zuko?"

"No," said Zuko, prodding tentatively at the lid and sides of the box. "But I've heard of them. Part of it slides, right? And then you can open it?"

"That's right," said Iroh. "This particular model has no fewer than _five_ secret compartments, and they must be opened in just the right order or you will not be able to continue. I'll let you try to figure it out for yourself, but if you get stuck, I'll give you a hint."

"Okay," said Zuko, and his smile grew. "That sounds like fun. Thanks, Uncle!" He threw himself at Iroh and hugged him.

"And I'll have to see about getting the other one to Azula," Iroh continued. "I have something for you as well, Ursa, but it was packed separately."

"I've always said you were too kind, Iroh," I said.

"What kindness?" he said. "I like giving nice things to my relatives, and seeing how happy it makes them."

I find myself rambling, so I shall move on to the afternoon, when Iroh and I arranged for the other puzzle box to be delivered to Azula at the Academy, and then went for a walk in the eastern gardens. Zuko was engrossed in solving his own box in his room, and Lu Ten was making an appointment for himself and Iroh to speak to the Fire Lord concerning his commission, so we were able to enjoy one another's company without interruption.

"I have to ask—" I said, "—what _is_ hiding in the box you gave Zuko?"

"Oh, lots of things. Let's see…I got him a jade inkstone…and some of that honey candy he likes…and a little model of an Earth Kingdom merchant junk …oh, and festival poppers! The kind that explode in all different colors. I hope that's all right."

"It should be," I said. "Did you get Azula the same things?"

"Mostly," he admitted. "But instead of the ship model, I got her a little wind chime for her dormitory and some enamel jewelry. Do you think she'll like them?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "She's not really very fond of jewelry. But I think she'll enjoy the puzzle box. She's very smart; in fact if anything she's the smarter of the two of them."

"That's good. She's doing well in school, then?"

"Oh, yes. All her marks are above-average, and she's at the top of her class in firebending. Ozai and I are very proud of her…" The thought of Ozai caused me to trail off, and of course Iroh noticed.

"Oh, dear. You two still haven't patched things up, have you?"

"No, we haven't. And frankly, I've all but given up hope that we ever will. I hardly ever see him anymore, and when I do, I can't bring myself to speak to him, because he's so cold and aloof. And he's never been the warmest person, but…it used to be that would send for me when he felt overwhelmed, because just my presence would soothe him. I can't imagine why that has changed for him." I shook my head and forced a smile. "But please don't be troubled on my account, Iroh. In all other ways, I am quite content. The children are healthy and happy, and I'm staying busy. Did I mention I've taken up practicing the pipa again?"

"No, you didn't. You'll have to play for me before I leave again." He set a hand on my shoulder. "And I wouldn't worry too much about my little brother. He'll come around eventually. I have never seen him simply toss aside anything he has ever been passionate about."

"Thank you," I said. "How _do_ you always know just what to say?"

"Practice," he said with a shrug. "It seems like every time we're preparing for battle, some young soldier comes _this_ close to panicking, and I have to talk him down. You get to know what sort of words will help someone." He chuckled. "To tell the truth, I wish all my men were as level-headed as you; it would make my job much easier."

"There you are!" came a shout from behind us. "Hey, Dad!" I turned to see Lu Ten jogging toward us.

"What news?" asked Iroh.

"We have an audience with Grandfather tomorrow," said Lu Ten, sounding a little nervous. "At noon."

"In that case," said Iroh, "we'll have to order an early lunch. Talking to the Fire Lord isn't something you want to do on an empty stomach."

"I wish I could be as calm as you. I'm already getting butterflies. You can eat before the meeting if you want, but I think I'll throw up if I do. Oh—sorry, Aunt Ursa."

"It looks like you've got yourself another young soldier to talk down from the verge of panic," I observed. "I'll leave you to it and see how Zuko's doing with that puzzle box."

As it happened, he had discovered two of the secret compartments before getting stuck, but rather than asking Iroh for help right away, he wanted to set it aside for the evening and try again tomorrow, when he is refreshed. I praised him for his perseverance and self-reliance, and then had him wash up and change his clothes for supper.

I can think of nothing else of great significance that happened today, so I will close for now. Tomorrow, of course, there will be news concerning Lu Ten's commission and, thus, the imminent march on Ba Sing Se.


	94. Chapter 94

19th Day, 9th Month, Year of the Rat (Azulon 73)

So the matter concerning Lu Ten is settled, but there is much else to tell, so I will write about it in the same fashion that I myself learned of it.

Per Iroh's plan, we ate an early lunch so that he and Lu Ten would not have to face the Fire Lord hungry. (Lu Ten, however, was so taken by nerves that he had little appetite.) When I arrived, Iroh had a small package for me.

"It's your present," he said. "I finally found it in all my luggage."

I opened it to find several little bottles and vials containing flower essences, a bundle of reed pipettes, and an instruction pamphlet: a perfumery kit!

"It's very fashionable in the Earth Kingdom right now for ladies to blend their own perfumes instead of buying them outright," Iroh explained. "In fact, it's considered tacky to show up at a fancy event wearing a market-bought perfume instead of one's own unique signature fragrance. So these kits are becoming quite popular."

"How lovely and thoughtful," I said. "I don't normally wear very much perfume, but this might be a good excuse to start. I'll experiment with it while you're in your audience with the Fire Lord."

Lu Ten let out a little groan at that, and Iroh snickered.

"What's wrong, Lu Ten; aren't you well?" I asked. But I already suspected what was ailing him.

"No, I'm fine," he replied. "I've just never been this nervous about speaking to Grandfather before." He paused. "I _think_ I'm fine, anyway."

"Well, it's a very important meeting," I reasoned. "You're entitled to be rather anxious. I'm sure everything will work out for the best."

"The old man's not as grouchy as he usually pretends," Iroh added, eliciting a burst of tense laughter from Lu Ten.

By and by, of course, noon approached, and Iroh and Lu Ten left for their appointment. I finished my own lunch and returned to my suite to tinker around with the perfumery kit and try out the sample recipes included with the instructions. It was not long before Zuko came knocking at my door.

"Can I see your perfume stuff, Mom?" he asked. "It's not time for my afternoon lessons yet."

"You may look, but be very careful," I said.

He picked up a bottle, read the label, and made a face. "_Skunk-bear?_" he said incredulously. "I thought perfume was supposed to smell _good_!"

"It is," I laughed. "Somehow, skunk-bear musk _does_ smell good if you mix just a tiny bit of it with other ingredients."

"You know what, Mom? I got another part of the puzzle box open this morning."

"Oh? Good for you!"

"That makes three. I bet Azula hasn't gotten that many," he said, sounding slightly defensive.

"You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you're right," I told him. "But I really think it would be better if you didn't worry about it so much."

Zuko sighed. "That's not what Dad says. He says we'll both get stronger if we compete with each other." He suddenly looked up at me plaintively. "I can't do both at the same time!"

"Oh, Zuko," I said, gathering him into my arms. "I'm not mad at you. I just want you to be happy…so do whatever makes you happiest. Just remember that as long as you always do your best, you have nothing to be ashamed of. All right?"

"Okay, Mom," he said, hugging me back. Then he pushed away slightly and added, "I think I should go to my lessons now."

"All right," I said, releasing him. "Go on. Study hard."

"I will, Mom. Have fun making perfume!" And he scampered off, his mood visibly improved.

After that, I became engrossed in my new flower essences, and I'm not sure how much time passed before a messenger came to tell me that Iroh and Lu Ten had finished their audience with Azulon and wanted to share the news with me.

I met up with them back on the veranda where we had lunch. Lu Ten was lying flat on his back near the railing as though he had simply collapsed there. He looked slightly green, but was smiling. Iroh sat nearby, pouring tea. "Ah, Ursa," he said. "Have a cup of jasmine."

"I see you survived," I remarked to Lu Ten as I accepted the cup. "How did it go?"

In response, Lu Ten only made a ragged sigh. "There's bad news and good news," Iroh filled in. "The bad news is that he won't be leaving with me next month. The good news is, he'll get his commission next spring for his eighteenth birthday."

"You know how Grandfather is," Lu Ten added. "He fixed me with that stare of his and said, 'I had _intended_ to make it a surprise, but your stubborn persistence leaves me no choice.'" This was delivered in such an accurate imitation of Azulon's voice that I could not help but burst into laughter. "You know, pretending to be more irritated than he actually was, because if he dropped the mystique for five seconds, the spirits would curse him or something." He rolled over onto one side and nudged Iroh. "Dad, promise me when you're Fire Lord, you won't hold court like you have a stick up—" Fortunately, his eyes flicked back to me and he stopped. "So anyway, I've still got a few months to twiddle my thumbs around here."

"I told you things would work out for the best," I said. "This way, we have plenty of time to plan a magnificent going-away party for you."

"That's a wonderful idea!" Iroh agreed. "And I can plan a welcoming party at Ba Sing Se!"

Lu Ten sat up at this. "That won't be necessary, Dad," he said warningly. "I'll be arriving a captain, remember? I'm not a little kid anymore."

"Good point," said Iroh. "In that case, we can save the celebration for when we conquer the city. I know—we'll make it an engagement party! I'm sure the Earth Kingdom can spare a nice princess for you to marry."

"_Dad!_" Lu Ten protested, blushing right to the tips of his ears. Again, I found that I could not control my laughter.

"Come now, Iroh, hasn't he been traumatized enough today? Let's just worry about one thing at a time," I said.

"All right, all right," said Iroh, grinning. "I'm just poking a little harmless fun."

"I need to do something active," said Lu Ten, hopping to his feet. "Come on, Dad, let's go spar."

Iroh rose also, and it suddenly struck me how much taller Lu Ten is than his father. I don't know why I should have been surprised—Iroh is shorter than me, for goodness' sake! Lu Ten surpassed him in height some four years ago! I suppose it is because I so rarely have the opportunity to see them standing together.

They left the veranda, and so I left also and returned to my suite to experiment some more with the perfumery kit. By and by, Zuko's lessons for the day came to an end and he came and asked if he might do his studywork in the room with me. He was still curious about the flower essences, and a few times I caught him getting distracted watching me, but each time he went right back to his work without having to be told. Once he had finished with that, of course, he wanted to tackle the puzzle box some more, and that brings me up to the present moment.

Soon it will be time for supper. I suppose I should tell Zuko to wash up, and do the same myself.

_

* * *

A/N: Ugh, it took me longer to get this chapter out than I expected. I hope the wait wasn't too bad._

_The idea for the perfumery kit came to me the other day when I was messing around with my own collection of essential oils. Incidentally, it's true that some perfumes contain ingredients that we normally consider to be bad-smelling, because in very small quantities and in combination with other things, they actually smell good._

_I hope it's obvious enough that "studywork" is the equivalent of homework. It doesn't make a lot of sense to __**call**__ it homework in this context because Zuko's schooling technically takes place at his home._


	95. Chapter 95

2nd Day, 4th Month, Year of the Ox (Azulon 74)

I'm amazed I found the time to write at all today; I'm swamped up to my chin making the preparations for Lu Ten's birthday gala and leave-taking. I've had to re-write part of the speeches because of the letter that came from Iroh today—his spies finally got back to him and as it turns out, Ba Sing Se is surrounded by not one wall but two. Between the two walls are hundreds of square miles of farmland, which explains why they have not seen any importation of food into the city. Against a _mere_ siege, then, Ba Sing Se may be able to hold out indefinitely, and it will probably be necessary to forcibly break through both walls. So I have altered the speeches to reflect this new plan.

On the bright side, I _think_ the paperwork from the Girls' Academy has finally been approved by all the necessary parties. How naïve I was to think that it would be a simple matter to arrange a few days' absence for her to attend the gala! But no—for a student of her rank, all the _more_ precautions must be taken to ensure that everything is legitimate, plus all her teachers must be notified separately so that they can prepare take-home studywork for her if they find it necessary…such a hassle!

I think it is finally dawning on Zuko that his cousin is going away for a long time, because he spent nearly every spare moment today with Lu Ten, asking him questions about his upcoming campaign. When I went to Zuko's suite to call him for supper, Lu Ten was there with a map of the world, showing him the sea route he will take to get to the Earth Kingdom.

"…and Ba Sing Se is here," he was saying. "It's not really as big as it looks on the map, of course, and now we know it's actually smaller than we thought, because so much of what's inside _this_ wall is farmland. It's still a very large city, though."

"Are you gonna have to change all your maps to show there's two walls?" asked Zuko.

"Maybe," said Lu Ten. "We'll see. After all, there might not be _any_ walls for very much longer." At that point, he glanced up and spotted me. "Your mom's here. Is it suppertime already?"

"Just about," I replied. "Will you be joining us, Lu Ten?"

"Maybe in a little while," he said. "I still have a letter to write to my lieutenants that I've been putting off for long enough." He made a strange sort of smile. "It still feels weird to say 'my lieutenants.' I haven't even met them in person yet."

"Don't forget your map, Lu Ten," said Zuko.

"Keep it. I've got lots."

Lu Ten never did turn up at supper, but I imagine he simply got caught up in his letter-writing and whatever else he had to do. He must be as busy as I am these days, if not more so.

Tomorrow I plan to order new formal clothes for the children and myself. I am thinking it may be wise to have the children's made slightly long in the sleeves and trouser legs in case either of them undergoes a growth spurt between now and the end of the month.


	96. Chapter 96

28th Day, 4th Month, Year of the Ox (Azulon 74)

As I write this, I am brimming with mixed emotions—pride at the success of the gala, weary contentment that it is over and I can rest, and not least a combination of joy and wistfulness over Lu Ten's departure. Ever since I have lived at the Palace, he has been here, growing from a child to a young man…it will be strange not having him around, and not knowing when he will return.

He was certainly a magnificent man of the hour. With Ozai too wrapped up in his own aloofness to circulate with me and talk to the guests, Lu Ten himself stepped in as my escort. This made for some amusing misunderstandings among those who did not know us well! More than once, I was mistaken for his mother, or his sister, or even his betrothed! But his answer was always the same: "No, this is my dear aunt Ursa. She's been the closest thing I've ever had to a mother."

Eventually, sunset approached and it was time for him and his men to leave. I'm afraid I cannot give a very good description of the ceremony where he formally took command of his company, because it involved much military protocol that I am not familiar with. I will say that there was a good deal of saluting, and mutual oaths of fealty, and at one point Lu Ten crossed forearms with each of his lieutenants in turn, and he produced a flame from his hand while they did not. I found this portion of the ceremony interesting enough to look up its meaning afterward—it is a symbolic gesture, a metaphorical Agni Kai in which Lu Ten is the clear victor and the others are obligated to submit to his authority.

Lu Ten's ostrich-horse was brought around to the front of the Palace. Just before mounting, he turned back to the children and me.

"Well…this is it," he said. "I sure will miss you."

"I'll miss you too, Lu Ten," said Zuko, running forward to throw his arms around his big cousin's waist. "I wish you didn't have to go."

"Hey, don't fret, kiddo. I'll be back before you know it, and then we'll have won the war and Dad and I won't ever have to go away again. I'll bring you a present from the Earth King's palace, okay? Something unique, something that there's only one of in the whole world. Just for you. Sound good?"

Zuko smiled. "Sounds great!"

"What about me, Lu Ten?" said Azula, apparently feeling left out all of a sudden. "Can I get a unique present from the Earth King's palace too?"

"Absolutely!" said Lu Ten. "We'll bring back all kinds of treasure from the city. Well, I'd better get going while there's still enough daylight to see by."

And with that, he heaved himself up onto the ostrich-horse's back, took one last look around the gathering, and said "Men, move out!" And he took his leave of us.

I think tomorrow I will take the children for a picnic in the high slopes outside the city, to take all our minds off of missing Lu Ten. Perhaps I will even invite my husband to join us, though I have little hope that he would take me up on such an offer. His refusal to accompany me while mingling with the guests today was entirely too typical of his recent behavior.

But I must not dwell on such things, lest I sink into melancholy. Better by far to think on what I enjoyed about today, and what I will yet enjoy tomorrow and in the days to come.

_

* * *

A/N: I think my favorite thing about this chapter is the symbolic Agni Kai gesture. It's along the same lines as the European knighthood ceremony, where the monarch taps the knight's shoulders with a sword as a metaphorical substitute for beheading him. (You learn something new every day!)_

_Anyway, the next couple of chapters will be "breathers" of sorts before I delve into the events of "Zuko Alone" and ultimately wrap this thing up. I hope you all enjoy what's to come!_

—_Karalora_


	97. Chapter 97

17th Day, 6th Month, Year of the Ox (Azulon 74)

Our household has expanded temporarily—and most unexpectedly, as far as I am concerned! When Azula's carriage arrived, I went out at once to greet her…only to see _three_ young girls climbing out. After a brief moment, I recognized her school friends Mai and Ty Lee.

"Well, hello," I said. "I didn't expect to see you two today. Azula, what's going on?"

"You don't know?" said Azula, sounding as surprised as I was. "I wrote Dad _weeks_ ago and asked if they could stay with us for the summer. I guess he didn't tell you about it."

"Apparently not," I said with a sigh. "I'm afraid we haven't any accommodations prepared for them. Well, let's get your things inside, girls. We'll figure something out."

I wound up having Haku's old room aired out, with Mai and Ty Lee agreeing to share the four-poster until a second room can be prepared…which may in fact not be necessary, since they are used to sharing quarters at school and seem to enjoy one another's company. We shall see how it goes.

My other initial concern was that Zuko would be upset by the unforeseen development. I found him in his suite and told him, "Azula is here, and I want to warn you that she brought two friends home to stay for the summer: Mai and Ty Lee. I know you haven't met Ty Lee, but do you remember Mai? She lived here with her mother for a while when you were very small."

"I think I remember," he said. "She was just a baby, wasn't she?"

"That's right. She's not a baby anymore, of course."

"Mom, I know _that_."

"Why don't you come and say hello? I'm sure they'd both love to meet you."

He accompanied me back to Azula's suite, where the first thing that met my eyes was something pink flying through the air. This proved to be Ty Lee, practicing airborne somersaults using Azula's bed as a springboard. After I got over my initial shock, I asked her not to do that anymore and then proceeded with the introduction.

"This is Azula's brother, Zuko," I told the girls. "Azula, introduce your friends."

"Sure," she said. "Zuko, that's Mai and that's Ty Lee."

Zuko remembered his manners and bowed rather gallantly. "I am very pleased to meet you."

"Ooh, he's a gentleman!" Ty Lee giggled. Then she leaned over to Azula and whispered too loudly, "He doesn't look like a sissy."

"Who says I'm a sissy?" Zuko demanded suddenly, politeness forgotten.

"No fighting now!" I interjected hurriedly. "I want all of you to get along. I'm going to go see if that room is aired out yet. I'd better not hear that any of you have been quarreling with one another."

It didn't take long to check the room, and I judged it fresh enough that Mai and Ty Lee could move in and start unpacking their things. When I returned to Azula's suite, Zuko had already excused himself.

So far, there has been no trouble among the four of them. But something about this whole incident bothers me. I have started to suspect that Azula was not being truthful with me when she said she had her father's permission to bring her friends home for the summer. I know I could easily verify it with him, but I have no desire to endure his cold attitude any more than is absolutely necessary, and it is no great imposition to have the girls here as guests. So I will let my suspicions slide this time, and look forward to a change of pace for the summer.

_

* * *

A/N: I just want to point out that Ursa is making a Bad Parenting Decision here. She is letting her child probably get away with a big fat lie that is literally disrupting the normal operations of the Palace, just so she can avoid having her feelings hurt._

_And I'll be straight with you guys. Azula **is** lying. She didn't write anybody for permission. She's banking on her parents not communicating with each other enough to catch her out. And it's working._


	98. Chapter 98

13th Day, 7th Month, Year of the Ox (Azulon 74)

The children had a bit of a clash today; I am not entirely sure what to make of it. On the face of it, it seems that the girls are unfairly ganging up on Zuko…but on the other hand, he is older than they, and ought to be able to stand up for himself.

We had all gone out into the gardens to enjoy the sunshine and warm breezes. I took my bag of crumbs over to the koi ponds, while the children ran off to play on their own. Some time later, I heard angry yelling, and then Zuko came running toward me, completely plastered with mud all up and down his front, from his chin almost to his knees.

"Zuko, look at you!" I said. "What in the world happened?"

"It was the girls!" he complained. "Mai said she wanted to show me something and I went to look and then Ty Lee jumped out of a tree and pushed me in the mud and it's all Azula's fault 'cause _she_ put them up to it!"

"Oh, for goodness' sake," I said, wiping his face. "Go on inside and get cleaned up, and I'll talk to the girls. You're not hurt at all, are you?"

He confirmed that he was not, and I sent him on his way, and then found where the girls were giggling in celebration of their triumph. They became very quiet when they realized I was approaching, struck dumb with childish guilt.

"Come with me, Azula," I said firmly, holding out my hand for her to take.

"Why?" she asked, shrinking away a little.

"You'll find out, won't you? Now come on."

I led her far enough away that Mai and Ty Lee would not hear us. Before I could speak, she said, "If this is about Zuko, it was just a prank. And it didn't even happen right. He was just supposed to get scared, not fall in the mud. It's not my fault he's a big klutz."

"He said Ty Lee pushed him."

"Yeah, he _would_ say that."

"Young lady, enough! The matter at hand is not whether he fell or Ty Lee pushed him. You are still at fault for arranging the prank in the first place. I sent Zuko inside to wash up and change his clothes, and when he comes back outside, you are to apologize to him. So your friends can see you do it."

Her face clouded up at that, and she shouted, "You always take _his_ side!"

"Well, someone has to," I said bluntly. Then I left her to her own devices and went to see how Zuko was getting on. He had just about finished changing, but he was none too eager to return to the garden, and I couldn't really blame him.

"I've told Azula she is to apologize to you," I said.

"She won't mean it," he muttered.

"Perhaps not, but she'll still have to say it. All the same, try not to let it get to you when they get up to this kind of mischief. They only do it _because_ they know it will get to you."

"I know. But what am I supposed to do?"

"Well, today, you could have thrown some mud back at them."

He made a wry face. "Yeah, right. Then we would _all_ be in trouble for having a mud fight."

"Try me sometime," I said. "I'm not as unreasonable as you might think. Come on back outside with me. It would be a shame for you to miss this lovely weather because of something Azula did."

So he followed me, and I found the girls again and made Azula say she was sorry for masterminding the prank. Zuko was right—she _didn't_ mean it—but it was embarrassing for her to have to deliver an apology in front of her friends, and with any luck, the humiliation will be a strong disincentive for her not to do such things in the future. I suppose I could have had them also apologize for taking part, but that would have diluted Azula's embarrassment, and I very much doubt that either of them would be prone to that sort of thing without her influence.

For the rest of the day, to the best of my knowledge, all four of them amused themselves without incident. So in the short term, at least, I can claim a success. As for the long term, I shall simply have to stay aware of what the children are doing and make sure that Azula doesn't use the other girls to take unfair advantage of Zuko anymore.

* * *

_A/N: So…anyone want to try spotting the parenting mistakes in this one? It's not that Ursa has had a sudden breakdown in competence; it's that Azula is getting sneakier_ _**and**__ has managed to warp the playing field by bringing in some allies._


	99. Chapter 99

16th Day, 6th Month, Year of the Tiger (Azulon 75)

Now that Azula is home again (with her friends—I am glad to have had advance warning this year!), it really feels like summer. Or perhaps it is simply that today was the hottest day of the year so far—so hot that we had the luncheon indoors after all.

Ah, the luncheon! Much to my surprise, Ozai sat with us for a few moments, to take a few bites to eat and praise Azula for her high marks. He all but ignored me, but he did give Zuko encouragement, in his fashion: "There is no reason why you cannot achieve as highly as your sister, if you make the necessary effort."

Zuko dutifully agreed and promised to try harder…but I don't think his mind was much occupied with thoughts of personal achievement during that meal, for every time I looked at him, he seemed to be looking across the table at Mai. I do believe he is beginning to take a specific interest in the opposite sex, and I must wonder why I didn't see it coming. He will be eleven years old in just a few days, after all. I do not know whether Mai realized she was the object of his nearly undivided attention—if she did, she was not alarmed or upset by it.

I am a little torn—if he is beginning to take an interest in young ladies, then I ought to talk to him about it. But I don't wish to embarrass him by letting him know I noticed him staring. I'm sure I'll think of something.

I am feeling sentimental all of a sudden, thinking of how swiftly time flies. I can still picture Zuko so clearly as a tiny baby, utterly dependent upon my care, and yet here he is now, on the verge of adolescence and, perhaps, having romantic flights of fancy of his own. His birthday next year will be his first completion of the zodiac cycle.

And I know I, too, have changed much in these past eleven years. I was hardly more than a child myself when Zuko was born…since then, I've grown so much and learned so much about myself through my children. I've discovered just how strong I am—I've always believed that there was nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for their sakes, and if I can do it for them, I can do it for other noble causes as well. The very thought fills me with a sort of vigor of the soul, as though the spirits themselves were empowering me. And I feel as though, despite the sorrows I have suffered, everything in my life will turn out well after all.


	100. Chapter 100

24th Day, 6th Month, Year of the Tiger (Azulon 75)

It is with a mixture of excitement and relief that I write this—after ninety-five years, the war is very nearly over. Iroh's army has breached the outer wall of Ba Sing Se and taken possession of many of the tracts of farmland within. He shall probably be able to conquer the city itself by the end of summer, and then we shall all be able to travel there and see it. His letter came this afternoon, along with celebratory gifts for the children. Azula's was an Earth Kingdom fashion doll, and I'm afraid she didn't think much of it—she burned it. I did not punish her because it is only her own loss if she chooses not to accept her uncle's thoughtfulness.

Zuko's gift was, admittedly, the more special of the two: a pearl-handled knife taken from the general whom Iroh defeated. The blade is inscribed with the words "Never give up without a fight," and I cannot think of a better encouragement for my son. I think the girls may have been ganging up on him again, for when I went to call the children in so they could hear the letter and receive their presents, he had somehow fallen into the courtyard fountain and gotten completely drenched, and had nothing to say about it except that "girls are crazy." It must not have been too terrible, though, because he soon forgot whatever misery they might have inflicted on him when he saw the knife. He began play-fighting with it at once, even more enthusiastically than he usually approaches his firebending lessons. It makes me wonder whether we have all been hunting up the wrong tree with respect to his talents.

Azula, however, worries me. According to Zuko, she has taken to throwing rocks at the garden creatures, for no reason that I can imagine. (He even tried doing it himself, in the hope that I would be impressed. I suppose I can't blame him too much for that—Azula gets so much praise from my husband that it is only natural for Zuko to emulate her in expectation of the same.) And she started asking questions today about how the royal succession would proceed if Iroh lost his life in battle. Maybe this only reflects the turn of her education over the past term, but I keep thinking back to Ozai's wrongful ambition for the throne, and I wonder whether he has brought her into his confidence on the matter. Goodness knows they are much closer to each other than I am to either of them these days.

But I mustn't dwell on such troubling things, not now, when the Fire Nation is on the threshold of victory in the war. Once there is peace in the world again, surely even my husband and Azula will find the peace within themselves.

_

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_

A/N: Yeah, lady, enjoy the optimism while it lasts.

_I had considered writing something uber-special for the 100__th__ chapter of the fanfic, but I decided I didn't want to sacrifice the natural flow of the story for some contrived milestone. So the "special," as it were, is that we are finally delving into canonically revealed events._

—_Karalora_


	101. Chapter 101

30th Day, 6th Month, Year of the Tiger (Azulon 75)

This is my fifth try at writing this evening; I have ruined four pages already with my tears, and it is taking nearly all my will power to keep from breaking out in weeping again.

Lu Ten is dead, slain in battle. We received the letter today. It was a simple formal notice, written in a hand I did not recognize, divulging no details save for the time and place it occurred. I can only suppose that the defenders of Ba Sing Se's inner wall took them by surprise. There was no word from Iroh himself—I can only imagine his anguish, and pray to the spirits that it does not turn his mind. I know that grief, if it is great enough, can drive a man mad.

The children are taking the news well enough. I am sure Zuko has cried about it, though the face he shows me is merely one of quiet melancholy. Azula, of course, has not shed any tears, but she has been pensive, and I hold out hope that this, finally, has taught her to value other people in themselves. But I think it has not yet really sunk in for either of them.

I do not know how my husband is reacting, but I am very much afraid he is probably secretly or openly glad about it. It has been so long since he expressed anything but contempt for Iroh. When I went to see him not long after the letter arrived, I was told that he was in his office and did not wish to be disturbed by anyone.

As for myself, I feel as though there is a great, raw wound in my heart. Lu Ten was a man and a soldier, and the possibility of his death was hanging over his head from the moment he left the capital…but I remember the handsome young man who glowed with pride at the gala, and the petulant youth who sulked in his chambers after he was forbidden to romance the servant girl, and the penitent boy who never meant to kidnap his baby cousin, and the dear child who served as a page at my wedding.

Whoever it was who killed him must have seen only the soldier. I have never hated anyone before, but I think I hate that Earth Kingdom man. I do not have to be acquainted with his person or his face; all I need to know is that he robbed me of family.

In all likelihood, my nephew will be given a soldier's funeral, out in the field. Since I cannot be present thereat, here is my eulogy for one I loved very much:

His name was Lu Ten, and he was a prince of the Fire Nation, the son of Princess Choren who preceded him in death, and of Crown Prince Iroh who survives him. He did not live long enough to perform great deeds of the kind that history remembers, but many were the small deeds that brought joy to his family. He was cheerful, and polite, and inquisitive, and gentle with those smaller and weaker than himself. He was a source of pride for his father and grandfather, and no doubt would have brought glory to his people if his life had not been cut short.

He was deeply loved, and he will be sorely missed. May Agni keep his soul in safety until the day we are all reunited in the Spirit World.

_

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_

A/N: I have to be honest—this chapter has been written for

_**months**__, maybe a year or more. I just had to wait for the right time to post it. I actually expected that I would have to re-write parts of it when the time came, to reflect how the story and my writing style had changed in the meantime since those initial plans, but as it turned out, only a couple of words and phrases needed tweaking. I don't know if that means I'm nice and consistent or too static as a writer, but it is what it is._

—_Karalora_


	102. Chapter 102

3rd Day, 7th Month, Year of the Tiger (Azulon 75)

I finally raised the courage to visit the Fire Lord today. The tipping point came about when one of his servants approached me, quite nervous, and said, "Please, Your Highness, might you speak to His Lordship? He has been acting so strangely ever since we received the news of His Highness' passing…and he has hardly eaten a thing in all that time. We who serve him are all beginning to fear he is losing his mind."

"Yes, I will," I said, and the servant bowed and returned to his duties.

I went to the Fire Lord's private quarters and knocked at his door, and heard him growl "I already told you, I require nothing!"

"Sire, it is Ursa," I said. There was a long pause before his reply came:

"Very well then, you may come in." I did so, and found him slumped at his writing-desk, apparently doing nothing. "What is it that you want?" he barked, not looking at me. "Be quick; I am in no mood for idle pleasantries."

"Sire, I came here because I am concerned for your welfare. Your attendants say that you are not eating."

"As I told them, I will eat again when I have the stomach for it. Can I not be left alone with my thoughts?"

"Of course, if you wish it," I said. "But my consideration is that it may not be good for you to be alone at such a time as this. No one should ever have to confront grief alone."

"Nonsense," he said. "Do you imagine that I have been feeling sorry for myself these past four days? I am not the first man to outlive his own grandson as a result of this war, and I certainly will not be the last. You would do better to save your fawning concern for someone who can use it—your children, perhaps."

He did not sound angry, but it was quite clear to me that he did, after all, wish to be left alone, and so I excused myself.

Now, having had time to reflect on his words, I find myself slightly alarmed, and I am not sure why. I doubt that Azulon is losing his mind as the servant said; all of his faculties seem to be in order. Perhaps it is only that the harshness of his manner took me surprise, since we normally get on well when we speak one to one. Or perhaps the weight of my own grief is getting to me. But I cannot shake this odd feeling of vague dread—it is growing, even as I write. He all but vowed that yet more men would lose their grandsons as a result of the war. What if it goes on and on, with no end in sight? What will become of my own children once they come of age not too many years from now and are eligible to become soldiers? I know I cannot protect them forever…but _must_ I watch them march off, perhaps to die in violence like their cousin?

And to think that less than a week ago, I was so certain that all would be well. How could things have gone so wrong, so quickly?

* * *

_A/N: We're almost done, folks. Get ready for the grand finale—the next chapter will be the last of Ursa's diary entries. That will be followed by a couple of epilogue pieces, but the whole 'fic is at most a couple of weeks from completion. I hope you all enjoy it!_


	103. Chapter 103

11th Day, 7th Month, Year of the Tiger (Azulon 75)

I have just received a letter from Iroh. The poor man is obviously suffering very badly—I scarcely recognized his handwriting. He has abandoned the siege of Ba Sing Se and plans to come home, though he does not know how long he will be in returning. He did not say why he expects to be delayed, but I wonder if perhaps he wishes to gather his strength before facing the Fire Lord. No doubt Azulon will not be pleased at this setback in the war effort…but as a father himself, hopefully he will understand. There will be future opportunities to take Ba Sing Se.

Dear me…having written those words, they look so terribly false. As if I should be so blasé about the continuation of a war that has already claimed the life of one of my family members! No—for all I care, Ba Sing Se can remain impregnable and unconquered forever, if only I may have the assurance that the rest of my family will be safe. I have never questioned the necessity of the war before, but I cannot quell these thoughts of mine, even though some might consider them treasonous. I would do anything to keep my Zuko, my Azula, out of harm's way—anything!—no matter the cost to myself.

I am a little afraid to face my brother-in-law. What shall I say to him? To pretend that I can offer any significant comfort would be an insult…but my conscience will not permit me not to try. I cannot bear the thought of leaving him to face his pain alone.

I shall have to continue this later; my husband has just summoned me.

…

Something is afoot—I very much fear that my husband's ambition for the throne is reasserting itself in all this turmoil. I have just returned from an audience with the Fire Lord, which Ozai had requested for all of us. He bade Azula show off her skill at firebending, and then remarked on her talent and likened her to her grandfather in the same breath! It was cheap flattery, and I am almost pleased to report that Azulon was not swayed by it. But he turned the children and me out of the throne room before my husband's purpose was revealed, so I cannot be sure exactly what Ozai was driving at.

I cannot deny that my daughter _is_ a prodigy, but I wish her father would not encourage her to be so smug about it. Zuko feels enough pressure to perform without the constant comparisons to his sister from all sides; in fact, after Azula's demonstration, he volunteered his own, and when he stumbled over a maneuver, it was at that point that Azulon lost his patience. I wish I could do more for my poor, diligent son, but since I am not a trained firebender, I lack the power to strengthen his self-worth where firebending is concerned. I hope all the more now that Iroh is not too long in returning. If anyone can inspire my son's confidence, he can.

…

I am almost too much in shock to write, but write I must, for I do not know when I will be able to do so again. I have known for some time that my husband was becoming a monster, but only just now has the full depth of his descent become evident…and only just now have I been made sure that our daughter is following him in beastliness.

My one consolation is that I have only Azula's word as to the situation, but it is a small consolation indeed. I know the child lies whenever it suits her, but I cannot imagine how it would suit her to lie about this, and it bears a horrifying ring of truth even from her lips.

Had I not happened to pass by Zuko's room at that moment, I might never have found this out until it was too late! I heard the two of them arguing—as usual, Azula was taunting Zuko for the cruel pleasure of upsetting him, and so I pulled her aside to let her know I would have none of it anymore. But she told me that this time, it was no mere mockery. She confessed that she stayed behind to _spy_ on Ozai's audience with the Fire Lord, even after we three were turned out, and her claims about what was said in that throne room are like lead in my heart. I can scarcely bear to write them down!

It seems my husband has at last done the unthinkable, and outright asked to be made the Heir Apparent in Iroh's place! Needless to say, the Fire Lord was greatly displeased at such a brazen and impious request made with such callous disregard for a man who is suffering enough from the loss of his son, and decreed that Ozai should be punished for it. It is the nature of the punishment that appalls me so—if Azula is, in this one instance, to be believed, Ozai is to be made to join Iroh in his grief…by _killing Zuko_!

I find it nearly impossible to believe that Azulon, having lost one of his grandsons, should order the death of the other for any reason. He has always seemed fond of the children…but then he has been acting so strangely of late. Perhaps he is going mad after all. In any case, I cannot afford to _assume_ that it is not true. I must confront Ozai on the matter, monster though he may be, and let him confirm or deny our daughter's story. If it is true, then by the witness of all the spirits who watch over us, Fire Lord Azulon had better sleep lightly tonight! No matter what it takes, I will not permit any harm to come to my son!

_

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_

A/N: Thus ends Ursa's diary. As she predicted, the events of that evening and night afforded her no further opportunities to write.

_And that leaves us with one of the enduring mysteries of the series: what exactly __**did **__happen? All the accounts of what was said in the throne room, and what transpired the night Azulon died and Ursa disappeared, have come from the two most egregiously untrustworthy people in the Fire Nation—Azula and Ozai. I, like probably every other fan, have my own theories, but as much fun as it is to speculate, I really do hope the mystery is solved in the second half of Season 3!_

_Also, stay tuned for not one, but __**two**__ epilogues to wrap up the 'fic._


	104. Epilogue 1

Epilogue 1: From the Personal Journal of Prince Ozai

13th Day, 7th Month, Year of the Tiger

As I sit here on the very verge of laying my father to rest and ascending his throne, I have occasion to reflect upon all that has come to pass—all that I have _brought_ to pass—to win myself this station. At last, I am to have that which I have craved all my life, ever since I learned as a child what it meant to be of royal blood, and what it meant that my brother was my elder.

No one but I will ever know exactly what it has cost me. In time, I will forget it myself. To be Fire Lord is worth any sacrifice. But for today, for this moment, I will think of Ursa, and wish that it had not come to this.

From the day I met her, I knew that she was meant to be mine. I saw her, heard her speak, and knew at once that no other would ever satisfy me. And once we were wed, I knew that I was favored by the spirits, for they would not send a woman of such beauty and understanding and fire of the soul to an unworthy man. It was not until much later that I came to realize she was not a gift but a test—one that I nearly failed. It would have been all too easy to fall in love with her, and lose myself in sentimental weakness. Cultivating the will of steel that I needed in order to resist her was painful, but necessary…as is so much else in life.

Now she is gone, and I am tempted no longer. This is, without a doubt, to my benefit. For the time being, I feel her absence keenly—proof that I was not entirely beyond the reach of her alluring affection after all. Even had I not had to give her up to attain my desires, it seems quite likely that I would have had to be rid of her in order to remain as strong as the position demands. It is _certain_ that I would have had to restrict her access to the children, especially Zuko. Only time will tell whether or not she has spoiled _him_ beyond redemption…but his eagerness to please me is promising. I think I can yet mold him into a worthy successor.

And then there is the matter of my brother. Provided he makes no attempt to challenge me for the throne, I will permit him a graceful retirement. But he will have to be watched carefully. Perhaps I should find him something to do, some regular post that will occupy his time and attention.

And again my thoughts turn to my wife. It was not a moment too soon that I was rid of her, if it is this difficult for me to put her out of my mind. Yet I will permit myself this much: I hope that whatever becomes of her, she will find some sort of happiness. I owe her that much.

It is nearly time for the ceremony. My honor guard has arrived to escort me to the courtyard. When next I put brush to paper, it will be as Fire Lord.

* * *

_A/N: After over 100 chapters told in Ursa's voice, many of which involved her trying to figure out what was making her husband tick, now at last we have some direct insight into Ozai's mind. He's not an easy character to write for because of the difficulty of bringing his megalomaniacal ambitions into the realm of human feelings and choices without making him too sympathetic. I went for a somewhat tragic angle—he is suffering because of his own choices, but not enough to make him learn from his mistakes and change, which will ultimately lead to his downfall. He's a self-made villain, and thus he has no one but himself to blame when he falls…and **no one**—not even his worshipful pet daughter—will actually be sad to see him go._


	105. Epilogue 2

Epilogue 2: A Letter Found Among the Childhood Belongings of the Late Prince Lu Ten

To my dear brother-in-law,

I pray that I have judged you rightly, and that you will discover this letter shortly after arriving home. By now you must have been told—or guessed—all that has happened, and why I could not be there to greet you in person. Please forgive me my absence; I swear to you that, were circumstances not so dire, nothing could have kept me from your side in this hour of your need. My heart breaks for you, Iroh, and it is all the worse to know that not only I cannot be there to comfort you now, but we may in fact never meet again.

It is because of this grim possibility that I must sorrowfully add to your burdens with a mother's desperate request. As I have acted to save Zuko's life at the cost of my presence in it, so I must ask that you watch over him and guide him in my place. Be to him everything that I cannot now be, and that his father will not be. One young life in our family has been destroyed; I entreat you not to let another follow. I will entrust such an endeavor to no one else, and I also hope that in time, my dear little son can help to ease the pain of your loss.

Please also, if you can find it within yourself to do so, provide whatever guidance you can for Azula. I have done all I can think of to reach her, and I fear she may be unreachable…but if I am wrong, surely you will succeed where I have failed.

This brings me to the matter of my husband, your brother, who will have had himself crowned Fire Lord by the time you read these words. You have my sincere apology on his behalf for this grievous injustice to you. I would gladly have bowed to you, Iroh; I cannot say the same of what I fear Ozai has become. I must warn you: for the sake of your own safety as well as that of my children, do not give him any reason to believe that you seek to reclaim your birthright! And yet I hold out hope that there remains in him some vestige of goodness and honor, which you might be able to encourage. I fully trust your wisdom and tact in this matter.

With that I must close, for I have little time left. Again, you have my most heartfelt apologies for all that has happened. May the spirits be kinder to you in the future than they have in the recent past, and may they will it that, after all, our paths shall cross again.

Your loving sister-in-law,

Ursa

_

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_

A/N: It may seem strange that Ursa managed to write a letter to Iroh when she wasn't able to write anything more in her diary. The explanation is that this—making some desperate last-minute arrangements for her children's welfare—was important enough to take a few minutes to do, while writing in her diary was not.

_And now, on a completely different note…_

_Whew! What a long, strange, fun journey this has been. When I first started posting this thing, almost a __**year and a half**__ ago, I never imagined that it would keep going this long, or take some of the turns it did in the process. Some of the major milestones were planned well in advance, as I have noted, but others surprised me. The best parts where when something I wrote just because it felt right at the time turned out to be excellent foreshadowing for something that happened later on…not to mention the times when the series itself has seemed to support my notions!_

_But more than anything else, I'm glad to have gotten so many devoted readers, coming back chapter after chapter to leave reviews and let me know that my efforts haven't been in vain. I write fanfiction primarily for my own satisfaction, of course, but I wouldn't post it if I weren't hoping to entertain others as well. Checking my e-mail the day after posting a new chapter and seeing the review alerts always gives a magnificent boost to my anemic ego. Thanks so much to all of you!_

_As for future projects…well, I don't have any planned at the moment. Not for _Avatar_, anyway. Too much of my mental energy is tied up in wondering why Nickelodeon is taking so bloody long to continue airing the canon story to leave much left over for inventing adjuncts to it. In any case, I very much doubt I'll attempt something this ginormous again, though. When the inspiration bug starts biting again, expect things more along the lines of "Lucky to Be Born" or "Opposites Eventually Attract"—speculative one-shots that fill in the blanks of what we've been shown._

_Once again, many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and review!_

_—Karalora_


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